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What is Your Best Tech Joke?
Posted by
Cliff
on Tue Feb 11, 2003 11:47 PM
from the have-fun-with-this-one! dept.
from the have-fun-with-this-one! dept.
3770 asks: "There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand binary numbers and those who don't. -- OK, I'm having a slow day at work. What is your favorite techie joke? I'm asking you! Make me laugh!"
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On the topic of funny tech jokes... (Score:5, Funny)
http://chroniclesofgeorge.nanc.com/ [nanc.com]
enjoy!
My version (Score:5, Funny)
For some reason people don't get it...
And mine (Score:5, Funny)
Parent
Re:My version (Score:5, Funny)
Parent
Programmers & holidays (Score:5, Funny)
Why is it that programmers always confuse Halloween with Christmas?
Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.
sortof a joke (Score:5, Funny)
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? (Score:5, Funny)
Re:Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? (Score:5, Funny)
Parent
A lawyer, a doctor and a computer engineer... (Score:5, Funny)
The car speeds around a corner, slips, smashes through the highway barrier, and flies down a cliff.
By some miracle, the 3 people survived.
The doctor immediately said: "We need to make sure that everyone is ok. Any bones broken?"
The lawyer said: "We need to find out who built that defective road and sue them!"
The engineer said: "Hold on, just wait a minute. Don't jump to conclusions. What we gotta do is push the car back up the hill and see if this happens again."
Re:A lawyer, a doctor and a computer engineer... (Score:5, Funny)
Parent
Not a joke, but funny... (Score:5, Funny)
WRITE IN C
(sung to The Beatles "Let it Be")
When I find my code in tons of trouble, Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom: "Write in C."
As the deadline fast approaches, And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers "Write in C."
Write in C, write in C, Write in C, write in C.
LISP is dead and buried,
Write in C.
I used to write a lot of FORTRAN, for science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics! Write in C.
If you've just spent nearly 30 hours Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to Write in C.
Write in C, write in C, Write In C, yeah, write in C.
Only wimps use BASIC. Write in C.
Write in C, write in C, Write in C, oh, write in C.
Pascal won't quite cut it. Write in C.
Guitar Solo
Write in C, write in C, Write in C, yeah, write in C.
Don't even mention COBOL. Write in C.
And when the screen is fuzzy, And the editor is bugging me.
I'm sick of ones and zeroes. Write in C.
A thousand people people swear that T.P.
Seven is the one for me.
I hate the word PROCEDURE, Write in C.
Write in C, write in C, Write in C, yeah, write in C.
PL1 is 80's, Write in C.
Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, yeah, write in C.
The government loves ADA,
Write in C.
Not so much 'techie', as 'science' jokes: (Score:5, Funny)
"I think I've just lost an electron!"
"Are you certain?" the other replies.
"Yes! I'm positive!"
and a science/sporting one:
Q: How much force does it take to stop a propeller?
A: About half a Newton.
An Engineer, a Mathematician, and a Physicist... (Score:5, Funny)
The engineer goes first. She builds a circular fence about 100m in diameter, and states that her design is the most efficient under the conditions stated.
With much handwaving, the Physicist proposes to build a fence around the equator of the earth, as the curvature of the 2D surface of the earth in 3D will enable more area to be enclosed per unit of perimeter. His design is thrown out for lack of practicality.
By this time, the Mathematician has finished thinking. The Engineer and the Physicist follow him to the very back of the Texan's property. He takes 4 short sections of fence, builds a tiny fence around himself, and says...
"I declare myself to be on the outside."
Re:An Engineer, a Mathematician, and a Physicist.. (Score:5, Funny)
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.
Parent
This is probably not the best one (Score:5, Funny)
I got a email from a stubborn and clueless tech consultant who insisted on adding '... and creation date < system date' in the SQL query.
I calmly explained to her that 'creation date < system date' always holds true, unless, of course, the user could go to future and create a case there.
She doesn't seem to get the joke, and today I got a email, cc to my and her bosses, saying that we must 'creation date < system date' so that we would not miss those cases created 'in the future'....and she dare quote me on that!
Re:This is probably not the best one (Score:5, Funny)
My friend worked part time in college for a software company. The secretary the company had just hired was new to computers, and had a lot of questions and problems with Windows. She probably hadn't even used a computer or Windows before. My friend, being the part time college kid, was assigned to help her.
So she asked him lots and lots of questions, and lots more on top of that. About a week later, when she came to work, she proudly showed my friend the new book she bought to help her learn how to use a computer.
"Hey, look what I bought!" she proudly exclaimed. The book was Microsoft Access for Dummies.
Parent
Mo Yo Momma (Score:5, Funny)
not quite CS... (Score:5, Funny)
The Biologist concludes, "They're mating!"
The Statician says, "No, no, no - The measurement wasn't accurate."
The Mathematician says, "If someone else goes in, it'll be empty."
Re:not quite CS... (Score:5, Funny)
They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please". The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea.
So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant."Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer. When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding.
He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please".
Parent
A BBS goodie (Score:5, Funny)
Stupid dog, quit chewing on the phone line*&&^_&$#6k
NO TERRIER
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer... (Score:5, Funny)
"What a sad way to spend one's life," said the priest. "I will say a prayer for them."
"I have a good friend that is an eye surgeon," said the doctor, "maybe I could get them some help."
The engineer thought for a second, "Why don't these guys play at night?"
psych expirement (Score:5, Funny)
They start with an engineer. The engineer grabs the bucket, runs to the sink, fills it with water and throw it on the fire which promptly goes out.
Next up was a physicist. The physicist whips out his slide rule, does some quick calculations, take the bucket over to the sink, fills it and throws it on the fire. The fire goes out exponentially.
Then they let an applied mathematician try it. The Amath guy fills bucket, sets it down next to the fire and leaves. Astonished, the psychologists ask why he didn't put the fire out. The Amath guy repplied that he had reduced it to an already solved problem.
Last up was a mathematician. The mathematician looked at the fire. Then he walked over and looked at the bucket. Then he walked over to the sink, looked at it, and nodded. He then left the room. The psychologists were completely baffeled by this and asked the mathematician about his behavior. "Simple," he replied. "I just proved that a solution existed."
Great engineering humor (Score:5, Funny)
"The Knack" [iastate.edu]
Doctor: "It's worse than I feared."
Mother: "What is it?"
Doctor: "I'm afraid your son has
Mother: "The knack?"
Doctor: "The Knack. It's a rare condition characterized by an extreme intuition about all things mechanical and electrical
Mother: "Can he lead a normal life?"
Doctor: "No. He'll be an engineer."
Mother: "Oh, no! [crying]"
Doctor: "There, there. Don't blame yourself."
Here goes... (Score:5, Funny)
"Computers are like air conditioners: they stop working properly when you open windows."
Instead of jokes, I fight with quotes! (Score:5, Funny)
tenth century A.D., and lasted until about 1957, when FORTRAN abandoned the
practice."
"Windows 98 has detected that the mouse has moved.
Please restart your computer for these changes to take effect."
Gates' Law: Every 18 months, the speed of software halves.
My pid is Inigo Montoya. You kill -9 my parent process. Prepare to vi.
So what part of rpm, linuxconf, chkconfig and make xconfig do you not understand?
"Press any key if you wish to return to Windows or Control-Alt-Delete if you
wish to close it and reboot. After that action, scream at the top of your
lungs as your computer fails to respond to either of those actions."
- The Truthful Windows BSOD
Unix IS user-friendly, it just chooses its friends very carefully.
"Be consistent."
- Larry Wall in the perl man page
"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour.
Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S
relativity."
Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon loaded with reels of tape.
Any attempt to brew coffee with a teapot should result in the error
code "418 I'm a teapot". The resulting entity body MAY be short and stout.
- RFC 2324
"I'm not interrupting you, I'm putting our conversation in full-duplex mode."
- Antone Roundy
The three triangles of the Berlin logo stands for the tripod upon
which Berlin rests: Courage, Honour, and Frozen Pizza.
X windows:
Accept any substitute.
If it's broke, don't fix it.
If it ain't broke, fix it.
Form follows malfunction.
The Cutting Edge of Obsolescence.
The trailing edge of software technology.
Armageddon never looked so good.
Japan's secret weapon.
You'll envy the dead.
Making the world safe for competing window systems.
Let it get in YOUR way.
The problem for your problem.
If it starts working, we'll fix it. Pronto.
It could be worse, but it'll take time.
Simplicity made complex.
The greatest productivity aid since typhoid.
Flakey and built to stay that way.
Strangers have the best candy.
- t-shirt seen at DefCon 8.0
"Perl is Internet Yiddish."
- Yoz Graehme
"And don't tell me there isn't one bit of difference between null and space,
because that's exactly how much difference there is."
- Larry Wall
"I *made up* the term 'object-oriented,' and I can tell you I did *not*
have C++ in mind."
- Alan Kay, one of the inventors/designers of Smalltalk.
A computer without a Microsoft operating system is like a dog without bricks tied to its head.
Cross platform apps are like unisex underwear.
Classic Joke... (Score:5, Funny)
The physicist interrupted him: "...but you didn't take individual variations into account. I did a statistical analysis of their previous performances and bet on the horses with the highest probability of winning..."
"...so if you're so hot why are you broke?" asked the engineer. But before the argument can grow, the mathematician takes out his pipe and they get a glimpse of his well-fattened wallet. Obviously here was a man who knows something about horses. They both demanded to know his secret.
"Well," he says, between puffs on the pipe, "first I assumed all the horses were identical and spherical..."
2 strings walk into a bar (Score:5, Funny)
Indeterministically funny (Score:5, Funny)
Policeman: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
Heisenberg: No, but I know exactly where I am.
A few of my favorite things... (Score:5, Funny)
Timesheet Honesty
A promising young NASA aerospace engineer was killed in a horrific car accident and arrived in Heaven, protesting to St. Peter at the pearly gates. "St. Peter, I'm only 35. I'm much too young to die. I have a wonderful wife and family, so much to live for. Why in the world am I here?"
St. Peter looked through a huge stack of papers, looked over the top of his glasses and said, "Well, according to all of these hours on your time sheets, you've got to be at least 108."
And my favorite one-liner:
"Engineers aren't boring people; we just get excited over boring things."
-- Anon.
You can find more at the link above, and (SHAMELESS PLUG) at in the random quotes on the homepage of my site: www.hollinger.net
Ok, I don't get it (Score:5, Interesting)
Now someone posts an open invitation to go berserk, and I haven't (in the first 60-odd replies) seen a single Natalie Portman, hot grits, AYB or beowulf cluster. At least someone managed to sneak in an "In Soviet Russia".
Weird, huh.
David.
Re:Ok, I don't get it (Score:5, Funny)
In Soviet Russia, Natalie Portman pours hot grits down YOUR pants!
In Soviet Russia, a Beowulf cluster imagines YOU!
Are we all set now?
Parent
UNIX email virus (Score:5, Funny)
This is a Unix email virus. It works on the honor system:
If you're running a variant of Unix, please forward this message to everyone you know and delete a bunch of your files at random.
Thank you for your cooperation.
by pjl @ patsoffice . com
In C++ (Score:5, Funny)
A lawyer, an accountant, and an engineer.... (Score:5, Funny)
(and for the sexist-humor-impaired, apologies....)
A lawyer, an accountant, and an engineer all go into the men's room (they're all guys, duh :-( ).
The lawyer does his business, then washes his hands, then completely dries his hands with a truly profligate amount of paper towels.
"Lawyers are trained to be thorough," he explains.
The accountant does his business, then washes his hands. But he uses a minimal amount of paper towel, while making sure his hands are as completely dry as the lawyer's.
"Accountants are trained to be thorough and efficient!" he explains.
The engineer does his business, and walks out without washing his hands!
Flabbergasted, the lawyer and the accountant demand an explanation.
"Engineers don't pee on their hands."
Lotteries (Score:5, Funny)
Formalizing old wisdom, you'll understand life (Score:5, Funny)
K = P (1)
T = M (2)
P = W/T (3)
Now, do a few simple substitutions:
Put W/T in for P in equation (1), which yields:
K = W/T (4)
Put M in for T into equation (4), which yields:
K = W/M (5).
Now we've got something. Expanding back into English, we get:
Knowledge equals Work over Money.
What this MEANS is that:
1. The More You Know, the More Work You Do, and
2. The More You Know, the Less Money You Make.
Solving for Money, we get:
M = W/K (6)
Money equals Work Over Knowledge. From equation (6) we see that Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches 0, regardless of the Work done.
What THIS MEANS is:
The More you Make, the Less you Know.
Solving for Work, we get
W = M K (7)
Work equals Money times Knowledge
From equation (7) we see that Work approaches 0 as Knowledge approaches 0.
What THIS MEANS is:
The stupid rich do little or no work.
Working out the socioeconomic implications of this breakthrough is left as an exercise for the reader.
Our leader? (Score:5, Funny)
"I do know I'm ready for the job. And, if not, that's just the way it goes."
G. W. Bush, 8/21/2000
Re:Our leader? (Score:5, Funny)
"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
"The future will be better tomorrow."
"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
"Public speaking is very easy."
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system."
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
Parent
Ah yes, the Tomahawk Cruise missle... (Score:5, Funny)
"Ah yes, the Tomahawk Cruise missle... the rich country's car bomb."
by Rand Race (helixp@ nospamplease. bellsouth.net)
Bad spellers of the world... (Score:5, Funny)
Bad spellers of the world, untie!
by Fjord_Reddfjord_redd @ programmer_dot_net
I'm a dyslexic agnostic with insomnia... (Score:5, Funny)
I'm a dyslexic agnostic with insomnia... I lie awake at night wondering if there really is a dog!
by Q-Hack!kc5aot_HATES _SPAM_@qsl.net (User #37846) http://www.qsl.net/~kc5aot
Working computer hardware .... (Score:5, Funny)
(sadly, source unknown)
My Physics TA has this shirt (Score:5, Funny)
2 + 2 = 5
(for sufficiently large values of 2)
The Stranded Engineer (old but priceless) (Score:5, Funny)
The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. Looking around he saw some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it.
So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut milk and stared out to sea waiting for a ship to come to his rescue.
One day, as he was lying on the beach waiting dejectecly for a while, he spotted movement out just beyond the waves
In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from, how did you get here?"
She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? Where, did you get the rowboat? You must have been really lucky to have a rowboat wash-up with you?"
"It is only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, I made it."
The engineer's jaw dropped in disbelief.
"I made the rowboat out of raw materials that I found on the island," continued the woman. "The oars were whittled from gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm fronds, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, but," stammered the man, "what about tools and hardware? How did you do that?"
"Oh, no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that If I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware.
"But, enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?"
At this man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the beach. "Well, let's row over to my place," she said. So they both got into the rowboat and left for her side of island.
The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a palm tree, there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. "It's not much," she said, "but I call it home. Sit down, please; would you like to have a drink?"
"No," said the man, "I just can't take any more coconut milk."
The woman laughed: "Don't worry, I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.
After a while, they had exchanged their stories and the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"
"No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life, and even on the cruise ship".
"Well, if you would like to shave, there is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." So, the man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back down stairs.
"You look great," said the woman, "I think I will go up and slip into something more comfortable." So she did.
And, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman returned wearing fig leafs strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenia.
"Tell me," she said, "we have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely, is there anything that you really miss? Something that all men and woman need...?"
"Actually there is," the man replied, as he moved closer to the woman while fixing a winsome gaze upon her. "Tell me: do you happen to have an Internet connection?"
YAGOTJ (Score:5, Funny)
A doctor, a civil engineer and a programmer are discussing whose profession is the oldest.
"Surely medicine is the oldest profession." says the doctor. "God took a rib from Adam and created Eve and if this isn't medicine I'll be..."
But the civil engineer breaks in:
"But before that He created the heavens and the earth from chaos. Now that's civil engineering to me."
The programmer thinks a bit and then says:
"And who do you think created chaos?"
Balloonist (Score:5, Funny)
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces altitude and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and
shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must work in Information Technology" says the balloonist.
"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."
The man below says "You must work in business."
"I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
Dorm Room Fire (Score:5, Funny)
The Engineer sees a pitcher of water on the desk and pours the entire contents into the trash can, observes that the fire is out, and rolls over and goes back to sleep.
The Physicist does some quick mental calulations, and determines that pouring one quarter of the pitcher in the can would be sufficient to keep the fire confined to the trash can. He then pours precicely one quarter of the pitcher in the trash can and the rolls over and goes back to sleep.
The Mathamaticition wakes up and notices the fire and the pitcher of water. Satisfied that a solution exits he rolls over and goes back to sleep.
An engineer and a salesman go hunting... (Score:5, Funny)
The engineer thinks this is a little odd, but agrees. He finishes unpacking, when he hears some shouting. He goes outside, and across the clearing, the salesman is running directly towards the cabin, being chased by the biggest, angriest looking bear the engineer had ever seen.
"Open the door!" yells the salesman, and the engineer complies. With the bear on his heels, the salesman rushes up to the door, but at the last minute, he darts to the side. The bear, unable to stop, continues into the cabin.
The salesman quickly slams the door shut, and the bear (even angrier now) begins to trash the cabin.
The salesman smiles at the engineer, and says "OK, you finish this one, I'll go find us another."
Tutorial (Score:5, Informative)
It's quite helpful.
Parent
Re:A bit of silliness in C (Score:5, Funny)
while ( horse == dead ) { beat(horse); }
Or, in Soviet Russia:
while ( dead == horse ) { horse.beat(YOU); }
Parent