Worst Explanation From Tech Support? 1907
Disgruntled-with-Tech-Support asks: "Let's face it: At some point or another, we've had to deal with some form of tech support. Quite often, it's a hit-or-miss experience depending on the level of support required. Occasionally, strange, bizarre, or nonsensical explanations result from the problems reported, such as this one: I had just had DSL installed, only to find it much slower than the 56K line I was looking to get rid of. On calling the provider, I was told (by someone who likely reading off cue cards) to visit one of their internal websites for measuring bandwidth. While there, I observed that they had both bytes per second and bits per second listed, and that the number of bytes/sec != bits/sec * 8, rather a factor around 13 or 14. I pointed this out as a possible problem, and the guy's reasoning: 'Uh, it looks like the bytes are getting through to you ok, but the bits are getting stuck someplace.' What was your worst explanation from tech support?"
You said it... (Score:5, Funny)
Not to mention the submitter has it backwards (Score:5, Informative)
Shouldn't it be bits/sec = bytes/sec * 8?
Re:Not to mention the submitter has it backwards (Score:5, Interesting)
Re:Not to mention the submitter has it backwards (Score:5, Insightful)
Not necessarily. He may have just assumed the caller was a moron and was either having some fun or trying to get rid of him ASAP.
Re:Not to mention the submitter has it backwards (Score:5, Funny)
Re: Oh wait no I'm not. (Score:5, Funny)
You should have stayed in bed today.
Bits about Bytes (Score:5, Informative)
so the old standard 8,n,1
is really 1 start bit, plus 8 data bits, no parity bit, and 1 stop bit
so 10 bits in this case
the largest commmon byte would be something like
8,e,2 (1 start+8+1(for even)+2 stop bits, thus
12 bits in that byte as transmitted.
Re:Not to mention the submitter has it backwards (Score:5, Interesting)
>>Shouldn't it be bits/sec = bytes/sec * 8?
>no... it's eight bits to a byte.
Yes. Assuming he meant (bits/sec) = (bytes/(sec * 8)). I must assume he did. It's important to me.
1 byte / 1 sec => (8 * 1 bit) / 1 sec = (8 * 1 bit) / 1 sec => 1 byte / sec = 8 bits / sec
And I'd expect more like 9-11 bits to transmit a byte, on average, due to packet overhead and error correction. 8 is optimal, which doesn't happen much. 11-14 wouldn't be shocking if there's a lot of packet loss, as it sounds like there may be.
no, not in this decade. (Score:5, Insightful)
In the 1960's, yes. Now, no, not really- and your linking to a dictionary doesn't prove it. That dictionary definition is decades old.
For over almost 30 years, a byte is 8 bits, a nibble (no, I'm not making that up) is four. A word contains four nibbles or two bytes. Insisting otherwise is anal retentive at best.
Re:no, not in this decade. (Score:5, Informative)
In the 1960's, yes. Now, no, not really
Tell that to Unisys. Their mainframes (at least the ones I have to use) still have their 36 bit architecture, hence a 9 bit byte. Unusual? Yep.
Re:no, not in this decade. (Score:5, Interesting)
If you are a C or C++ programmer however, you will/should be using the definition in the ISO standard (1996 for C++, 1999 for C) in which a byte is the unit returned by sizeof and used by memcpy, memset etc.
On the hardware I am programming today, which sells millions of units, a byte is 16 bits. A char is 16 bits. A short is 16 bits. An int is 16 bits. A pointer is 16 bits but that ain't enough so we have to using segment registers from inline assembler (argh). If they could get away with it they would have probably have made a float 16 bits.
Believe it or not, there are processors that are not Intel 8086 compatible!
People who are not pedantic generate buggy code when arriving on wierdo systems, since computers tend to be pedantic themselves. But I admit that the association of byte with octet is very common, and in my opinion it was a mistake for the C and C++ committees to use the word byte for that unit of storage.
Re: Mebibytes and Megabytes (Score:5, Insightful)
Besides which, kilobyte and megabyte and gigabyte is not jargon. It is a computer term. Sorry but your attempt to revise history has failed.
Re:Not to mention the submitter has it backwards (Score:5, Funny)
octet==byte.
Some of my best lines : (Score:5, Funny)
Me : Because it fucking does.
User : Why do I have to (do something, various)
Me : Because you fucking have to.
User : I can't (do something, various)
Me : Reboot your computer.
User : I just rebooted my computer.
Me : Rebooting the computer without knowing why you are rebooting it won't fix it. Reboot it again.
(waits...)
User : Wow, that fixed it. Thanks!
Me (under my breath) : D'oh.
(actually there was a esoteric bug in SPX connections on a Netware network where computers configured as remote print servers would not reconnect the SPX connection the first time it was attempted after that workstation locked up because the Netware server thought that the SPX connection was still connected. Attempting to reconnect from the same MAC address failed, but the server knew something was wrong at that point and released the SPX connection and the next time the 'print server' configured computer tried to tell the server that it was ready to be a 'print server' it would let it. As it did all this in the boot script (autoexec.bat) it really would fail on the first reboot and work on the second reboot. I could have walked them through typing in the commands by hand, but having them reboot it again was generally (much) faster.)
A personal favourite of mine from this week... (Score:5, Funny)
To: Robbie
Subject: MOUSE IS DEAD
HI ROBBIE
PLEASE CAN YOU HELP THE NEW SECRETARY ROSE WITH HER COMPUTER. HER MOUSE HAS
STOPPED WORKING AND SHE CANNOT DO HER WORK. HER EMAIL ADDRESS IS:
medsec@***.com but she cannot access her emails because
she's got no mouse.
MANY THANKS.
Manjeet.
--
i don't understand...was i supposed to email her a new mouse??
Re:Some of my best lines : (Score:5, Informative)
Re:Some of my best lines : (Score:5, Funny)
Most of them never got it, and we'd die laughing under our breaths in the next room...
Re:Some of my best lines : (Score:5, Funny)
My favourites are Pilot Error and Fat Fingers.
Also, heard story about TV repair man turning up at some house and looking at the TV, before wandering over and hitting the TV, which fixes it. Hand a bill for 100 pounds to the homeowner who says it's too much and wants an itemised bill. TV Repair man writes note :-
Hitting Television - 5 Pounds
Knowning where
to Hit Television - 95 pounds
Re:You said it... (Score:5, Funny)
Re:You said it... (Score:5, Informative)
Thank god it wasn't me, I would have cussed him out in Christianity.
Hindi is the language. Hindu is the religion.
I wouldda done worse. (Score:5, Funny)
Re:You said it... (Score:5, Funny)
You should have told him to sco fuck himself.
graspee
Emachines (Score:5, Interesting)
Hold shift at the EMachines logo to see the ram.
This is an AthlonXP 2400+, it goes to fast to read.
Your ram is defective.
I don't think it is. What about my heat problem? Is that red light supposed to be on?
Your ram is defective.
What about my heat issue?!
Your ram is defective.
I took it back to Best Buy:
This computer has heat problems.
You opened the case. The warrenty is void.
It says right here in this E-Mail(waves paper) that I can do that.
The warrenty is void. All we can do is exchange it for a new one.
Well, the ram still doesn't work, but the inside of this one looks different. It hasn't overheated yet. Same model, different motherboard and cpu-fan...
I work in tech support.... (Score:5, Funny)
Re:I work in tech support.... (Score:5, Funny)
Re:I work in tech support.... (Score:5, Funny)
Re:I work in tech support.... (Score:5, Insightful)
Re:I work in tech support.... (Score:5, Informative)
A 1-port on the other hand...
Re:I work in tech support.... (Score:5, Funny)
Re:I work in tech support.... (Score:5, Funny)
Very amusing when we came to print out the end of year support logs, and it shows "532 calls from CUNTs"
Re:LOLLOLOLOLOLROFLLLlll!!!!!!11~~on3 (Score:5, Funny)
Your use of the expression "fucking comedian" leads Us to interpret this as a "profession" or line of work. Previous study has led Us to generate a rough understanding of "comedian." We have nothing really like "comedian" here on Betelgeuse IV; the nearest thing would be translated roughly as "dentist." We also have deduced a wealth of words referring to copulation (again no real equivalent exists here; the closest is "shovelling volcanic ash out of the commode")
However the confluence of the terms "fucking" and "comedian" has confounded even Our most famous dentists.
We would be most grateful for an explanation.
Worst Explanation? (Score:5, Interesting)
Re:Worst Explanation? (Score:5, Insightful)
No they don't. Any Mechanic I've even seen will look at a car for Free and try to tell you what's wrong. If its something which requires hours of diagnosing then yes they will usually charge a fee but its by no means automatic. I've been taking cars to dealers and private mechanics for estimates and second estimateas for years and I've only been charged a few times.
If tech support worked that way they would at least listen to your problem for Free and notify you if a quick fix is available. I'm not against charging for tech support if a problem involved lots of trouble shooting and hand holding on the Software makers part, but they should be making a determination if that's really necessary before they start charging you money or taking your credit card number. Asking for the card up front is just a scare tatic to try to get consumers to not call in. Personally I don't care for the pratice.
Re:Worst Explanation? (Score:5, Informative)
There's a self-defeating statment if I've ever seen one. Regardless, a quick search reveals that many mechanic services do indeed bill for diagnostics. Those who don't either pay their technicians less or charge you a higher hourly rate. The general reason why diagnositc fees are either all or nothing is because it is common to spend differing amounts of time diagnosing the same symptoms. Even a doctor will tell you that (who do, in fact, charge for s/office visits/diagnostic fees/).
Well, a former professional mechanic (me) says different. 99% of problems people have with cars can be diagnosed in 5 minutes or less, usually less. Building a relationship with a customer is worth spending those 5 minutes working for *free* to diagnose their car. I can't even think of how many stupid GM AC pressure sensors I sold just because they always looked the same on the gauges, and it literally took 2 seconds to hook up the gauges.
IN some specific areas, like exhaust and brakes, the free-looky is standard practice.
Besides the dealer (you know, the greediest little fuck on the block), most mechanics will only charge for diagnostics when they can't tell within 3-5 minutes what's wrong. That's the rule of thumb generally applied, actually. In the meantime, though, *every* mechanic shop posts something somewhere that says "We charge *this whole ton of money* for diagnostics", knowing that 99% of their diagnostics will be done for free.
Think about it. You're a customer, and you see a sign that says "Pay us $60 to tell us why your car is fucked up" and the mechanic just walks out and does it without billing you. Now how do you feel? How much does it increase the likelihood that you'll buy from these people who are obviously dedicated to serving the customer rather than bleeding him?
Comment removed (Score:5, Insightful)
Re:Iomega support sucks ass! (Score:5, Informative)
Details here:
http://news.com.com/2100-1023-208214.html?
Re:Worst Explanation? (Score:5, Insightful)
1- Charge someone money to diagnose what is faulty with someone ELSE's product.
2- Charge someone money to diagnose what it faulty with your OWN product.
Worst reply i've GIVEN.... (Score:5, Insightful)
Re:Worst reply i've GIVEN.... (Score:5, Insightful)
For instance, you don't say: "We are going to reset/restart your unix server" you say: "We are going to bump your server" You don't say: "A backhoe dug up your local T-1 line, and now you're on dialup, credit authorizations are going to take longer" You say: "Please don't call me, call the credit authorization company" There are so many more, but I just can't think of any handy right now.
Key is, you have to dumb things down a bit so the average lay person doesn't take 45 minutes chatting about what could be the technicial difficulty.
Re:Worst reply i've GIVEN.... (Score:5, Funny)
Re:Worst reply i've GIVEN.... (Score:5, Funny)
Me: "Ok, you're going to want to right click on My Computer and click on where it says Properties at the bottom"
Her: "
Me: "Oh on the My Computer Icon on your desktop"
Her: "... Well where on my desktop - My mouse is on my desktop"
Now, I think she means her mouse cursor but she actually means the top of her desk. After I realize that I try to explain "No no, the computer's desktop
She sounded cute too but you know
Re:Worst reply i've GIVEN.... (Score:5, Funny)
I got into trouble a few years back for returning an item to a vendor with the fault description "fucked" written on it. The vendor stated that without a proper fault description they could not accept the item for refund or exchange.
Item was relabelled and sent back to them with the following fault description: Faulty Unit, Continuously Kills Electronic Devices.
Item was subsequently accepted for full refund
Re:Worst reply i've GIVEN.... (Score:5, Funny)
"Electromagnetic interference from solar flares, sir."
The best part?
It was true. They had a 100"+ UTP arial cable.. Dude asked me why he was having packet loss. That summer, the sun was kicking out lots of solar flares..
Re:Worst reply i've GIVEN.... (Score:5, Funny)
Wow, a hundred inches really is a long run. Was it also in danger of being crushed by a dwarf?
Worst excuse I've heard.. (Score:5, Funny)
Re:Worst excuse I've heard.. (Score:5, Funny)
Dude, your hard drive is blown! (Score:5, Interesting)
Re:Dude, your hard drive is blown! (Score:5, Funny)
Harmonic convergence? (Score:5, Funny)
My brother once explained a firewall's operation to a non-tech as "rotating the shield harmonics." The explainee (while obviously not believing it literally) considered this a good enough analogy for his purposes.
Bloody brilliant. Wish I'd thought of it.
Re:Dude, your hard drive is blown! (Score:5, Interesting)
Recently, I spent 96 minutes on the phone "troubleshooting" an integrated NIC that would not illuminate it's link lights.
After escalating twice, the supervisor wanted to check the Windows drivers again, even though the PXE boot in BIOS reported that it wasn't seeing a network connection.
I angrily asked what the connection between Windows drivers and BIOS was. He said it does affect the BIOS if your drivers aren't set properly in Windows! WTF?
I asked him, what about Linux? He said, "We don't support Linux."
It frustrates me to no end to deal with a technician who wasn't even born when I took my first computer class, and have him (or her) treat me like I don't know the first thing about computers or troubleshooting.
My Macintosh can beat up your Windows PC!
Re:Dude, your hard drive is blown! (Score:5, Funny)
"We can take back the motherboard, but not the processor"
"Why can't you take back the processor?"
"Because you've opened it. We only take returns if it is unopened, or we can exchange it if it is defective."
"Can I at least get the sale price for the processor?"
"No, because you bought the 'bundle' processor, not the 'sale' processor."
"That doesn't make sense. They're the same processor, in the same box, with the same SKU..."
"Sorry."
"If I tell you it's defective, are you going to take my word for it like the other half-dozen parts I've returned."
"Yes."
"And if I get that exchange processor, the exchange processor is in a returnable, unopened state, correct?"
"...Yes..."
"Can you see where I'm going with this?"
"...Sales price it is."
My ISP is retarted (Score:5, Funny)
No matter *what* the problem... (Score:5, Funny)
me:"My cable modem is dead."
@home tier1: "Clear your browser cache."
me:"I can ping the gateway everything else is unreachable."
@home tier1: "Clear your browser cache."
me:"I just downloaded 200MB of pr0n in 30 seconds and I'm calling to say thank you!!"
@home tier1: "Clear your browser cache."
me:"Hmmm.. good idea."
Re:My ISP is retarted (Score:5, Interesting)
Re:My ISP is retarted (Score:5, Interesting)
Now this all seems like a pain in the ass. And it is. But in the end, you'll have a badass story about how you battled a multi billion dollar telecommunications giant, and made them kiss your ass. That's right, I'd file for a new hub and to have them write formal letters of apology. Now *that's* being a dick. I would bet at least a memo would go out to not touch other people's things.
CompUSA (Score:5, Funny)
One time the guy tried to explain to me that I would need about $50+ more hardware than necessary to fix what I suspected to be a buggy RAM problem.
On another occasion, I was with a friend, checking out a couple hot-swap IDE cages for a development server I was building and a CompUSA dorkus walks buy and says "They're really overrated, and you probably don't need them, unless you're building a server (guy leaves)"
I didn't know what to say, he didn't help, he just offered a stupid opinion and left. So I left too.
Overheard at Best Buy (Score:5, Funny)
* "This [less expensive] camera can only hold 15 seconds of video because of the 'cache overflow'" - about a Sony Cybershot P7 whose video length is limited only by Memory Stick size
* "Well, the wireless internet is faster because it doesn't have to squeeze through the cable."
and the most egregious of all lies-
"This Lexmark printer is excellent."
Re:Overheard at Canadian equivalent Future Shop (Score:5, Funny)
@FirebirdGM> I just called my Futureshop and asked them how much a 20 GB Hard drive weighed when it was full with information, compared to when it was empty.
@FirebirdGM> The guy that was on the phone told me that it was only a few pounds difference.
@FirebirdGM> And that's why I don't shop at futureshop.
Re:Overheard at Canadian equivalent Future Shop (Score:5, Funny)
I told him that it was only a few pounds difference.
Re:Overheard at Best Buy (Score:5, Insightful)
His response, "if you know how to use a crimper you shouldn't even be in Best Buy!"
Re:CompUSA (Score:5, Informative)
but, uhm... isn't that the case? On a hub, every device must "dumb down" to the slowest link, whereas on a switch, every port can have its own speed settings (duplex, 10 vs 100mbps, etc)
How is this not so?
Re:neh, Fry's (Score:5, Funny)
I was looking for something that was on sale that week, probably an HD. Sunnyvale was out, but the guy I asked check the computer, and Palo Alto still had a dozen or so.
Me: "Can you call them and have them hold one for me?"
Him: "Sir, this is Fry's. You can get there before I can get someone on the phone with a clue."
Plenum Rated vs Normal Cat5 (Score:5, Informative)
Plenums are defined to be any compartment or chamber which is connected to or a part of the air distribution system of a structure. Think things like ducts, flow shafts, and sometimes even the void above a dropped ceiling. The outer PVC jacket on normal Cat5 cable burns at a relatively low temperature and produces large quantities of highly toxic black smoke. Plenum rated Cat5 has a much higher combustion temperature and produces smaller quantites of smoke. The National Electric Code specifies that only Plenum Rated Cat5 can be run through any space connected to the air distribution system. Since air ducts are handy ways to run cable, a lot of Plenum Rated gets sold.
Oh that's easy. (Score:5, Interesting)
Yeah... sure.
That ranks right up there with their classic first question "do you have a firewall?" Answer "yes," and that IMMEDIATELY becomes the problem (despite the fact that it's been running for months with no change in configuration).
Just FYI: I find that confronting them with a few ethereal packet dumps usually gets you to the second tier at least.
Earthlink... (Score:5, Funny)
I had a connection. I had an IP. However, nothing would go through the modem.
I even tried 3 different PCS and a Mac running Jaguar, directly to the modem, and still couldn't get anything through. And yet, I had a working, connected (if not logged in) modem.
So I called their support. Three techs I went through. They kept saying it was my problem, because they could ping my modem.
So I got to a second level guy. Chatted with him a while, told him what I'd done, what the first level guys had me redo.
He tells me he'll have the network guys check into it.
A day passes. Two. I call back.
Oh, it'll be a week before the problem's resolved.
A week. And four days.
I call back. I give my case number.
Drumroll.
I wasn't using an Earthlink-supported modem.
*blink* WTF? Excuse me? You guys SENT me this damn thing in the first place, and it worked fine til 11 days ago, and now it works again after I turned it off for two days.
Never did find out the real reason for it...
Re:Earthlink... (Score:5, Funny)
My lovely chat with tech support at another ISP (idiots). The following is a transcript of my chat with Tom at Earthlink's tech support.
Welcome to Earthlink LiveChat. Your chat session will begin shortly.
Tired of Spam? With Earthlink's free spamBlocker you can customize your settings to eliminate all of your unwanted email!
Tom M says: Thank you for contacting EarthLink LiveChat, how may I help you today?
Gun: Yes, I need to check and see if my forwards to a [yourdomain] account are being blocked based on the server they're being forwarded from. Do you need the IP address, forward address??
Tom M: In order to resolve this issue I need to know what email program you are using. If you are unsure, please open your email as you normally would, click on the Help menu (at the top by File, Edit View, etc) and click on About. In there you will find the name of the program and the version. please let me know what they are.
Gun: they are SMTP and, I imagine, POP3. I'm the administrator, not the end user
Tom M: Could you please be more specific about the issue?
Gun: rfk@[ourdomain].com forwards to rkruse@[yourdomain].com, but mails are not getting through to [yourdomain].com... at least, not to rkruse@[yourdomain].com. Therefore we have a mutual, unhappy customer as I host the [ourdomain].com domain, and you host [yourdomain].com, do you not?
Tom M: Kindly hold on.
Note: ALERT!! ALERT!! I could practically _hear_ the Indian accent as soon as he said this. This means I've reached a level 1 moron at a call center in India. Granted, not all people in such call centers (or call centers in India) are morons, but in this case, I think I ended up with the lowest bidder. Shame on you Earthlink!.
Tom M: Kindly hold on while I verify your account.
Gun: It's not my account, but go right ahead
Tom M: Have you set the forwarding feature in this email address rfk@[ourdomain].com to forward emails to rkruse@[yourdomain].com?
Gun: yes
Tom M: I am working on this issue and please hold on.
Tom M: I suggest you contact to the [ourdomain].com technical support regarding this issue.
Gun: I am the [ourdomain].com tech support! I was contacted, now I'm contacting you
Tom M: Okay, it appears that there might be problem at [ourdomain].com email address.
Gun: such as?
Tom M: As you set the forwarding email feature in the rfk@[ourdomain].com, you need to contact to their technical support to resolve the issue.
Gun: one last time... I AM THE TECH SUPPORT
Note: You'd think he would get the point by now, right?
Tom M: Okay, the problem seems to be at their end.
Gun: How so? We're forwarding email all over the world, and it all works except for this guy's. Doesn't sound like a problem on our end. Would you like for me to cat his .qmail file and paste it here for you to confirm?
Tom M: As you set the forwarding feature at this email address rfk@[ourdomain].com, I suggest you contact to this domain [ourdomain] administrator.
Gun: I am this domain [ourdomain] administrator
Gun: please repeat that back to me so that I know you understand... say something along the lines of "Gun has complete and god-like control over the [ourdomain].com domain"
Note: AAAAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHH
Tom M: Can I know where did you set the forwarding feature?
Gun: certainly! we use Qmail as our mta
Tom M: I am sorry to inform you that EarthLink does not given any technical support for Qmail.
Note: Please make the bad man stop.
Gun: hermes [ourdomain].com # pwd /var/vpopmail/domains/4/[ourdomain].com hermes [ourdomain].com #
Re:Earthlink... (Score:5, Funny)
Eliza Support (Score:5, Funny)
Gun: I need to check and see if my forwards to a [yourdomain] account are being blocked based on the server they're being forwarded from. Do you need the IP address, forward address?
Support Rep: What does that suggest to you?
Pixel Modulation (Score:5, Funny)
Great Scott! (Score:5, Funny)
Mind you this tech wasn't an idiot (or an ID ten T), he just wanted to get rid of the customer
"it's a feature, not a bug." (Score:5, Funny)
I almost went through the phone to choke the bastard.
-k
Re:"it's a feature, not a bug." (Score:5, Informative)
I almost went through the phone to choke the bastard.
Uh, only problem is, he was mostly right. While LCDs do in fact have scan rates and frequency settings, no one cares, since they're mostly fixed. Almost all LCDs (at least in the home user market) have a 60 Hz vertical refresh rate. And most LCDs have a fixed resolution, so the scan rate is fixed (it is derived from vertical refresh and resolution). So he mostly knew what he was talking about, assuming the question was "How do I configure XFree86".
Now, if the question was "Can I install Linux on a laptop?" and the answer was "No, because LCDs don't have scan rates", then that's pretty stupid. But that's not clear from the post. Also, how long ago was this? It wasn't that long ago that Linux on a laptop required a lot of kludging, especially to get X running.
Kill the process! (Score:5, Funny)
He didn't seem to realise that the "Idle" entry isn't actually a process...
Server out of water (Score:5, Funny)
Unfortunately this was true as we were still running a water cooled IBM Mainframe.
The clients seemed to accept it without question but I'd have to image they though we were yanking them.
They're not reading from que cards (Score:5, Insightful)
At issue is the level of training provided.
All this is not to say that don't find the horror stories, from a tech's and customer's point of view, funny. Speaking for myself, half the people I speak to assume I can see their monitor and the other half think you can't open Outlook Express without connecting to the internet, despite the big 'work offline' button in front of them...
Satellite Internet (Score:5, Funny)
A friend of mine had satellite internet working for months, and one day it started cutting out on him. The signal strength would show EXCELLENT->BAD->ZERO->EXCELLENT. It'd keep repeating in this cycle so fast, it couldn't even initialize the connection. So it was basically worthless.
After installing all their updates, rebooting 10 times, rebooting the satellite modem 10 times, etc. the tech support guy told me 1) I must not've done what he'd been saying and 2) I have to uninstall everything and start over. If you don't have the CDs we'll have to mail them to you.
Enough of that crap, there was no way I was messing with that software anymore. I already fought with that thing for hours. Time to climb up on the hot roof and look at the dish.
The problem: About 500 bees nesting in the thing. Apparently it was cool...that or they were just getting high on the radiation, I'm not sure which.
The solution: 3 large cans of Raid [killsbugsdead.com].
I called the tech support guy back and he didn't believe me...
Re:Satellite Internet (Score:5, Funny)
I love it. He said it was a software problem, and in the end you were forced to debug your satellite modem.
Not tech support, but an installation... (Score:5, Funny)
At the same time, we switched from satellite to cable TV. Just in case Charter had problems, I told them NOT to remove the satellite dish. At some point during the install, he decided to use the coax coming off the dish-- which he pulled out of the wall, leaving a hole in my garage's wall. Furthermore, he hit the dish-- hard-- and dented it, rendering it worthless.
I wasn't home at the time, and I knew he'd need to access my computer, so I set up an administrator account on Windows for him. (Hey, It was 2001, I hadn't switched to Linux yet.) I left this note for him, exactly these words: "username: Charterguy; no password." It's probably a good thing that he couldn't figure out what "no password" meant, seeing as he would have ruined my computer if he got onto it. (Of course, he left without running any cables or installing the modem, because he couldn't log on to my computer.)
And, just to add insult to injury, that night, when I went to sleep, I could swear that I was hearing voices! Turns out, he left his radio in my attic. (And those radios last for days on a charge if you only listen on them without transmitting.) I never did find it, so for the next three days, I slept to the sound of field calls.
Mod Interesting, I need karma.
Logitech's 'Black Hole Of Mousepaddery' (Score:5, Funny)
Re:Logitech's 'Black Hole Of Mousepaddery' (Score:5, Funny)
I witnessed a housemate of mine who worked from home have an amazing issue with an early Logitech optical-tracking mouse. (The kind that still used a ball... this was back in '95 or so.)
It would stop working after six hours of use or so. Specifically, it would no longer track left. Up, down, right were all fine, but left failed. He was a tech himself, and tried all the usual stuff... installed latest drivers, checked the cabling, cleaned the ball and rollers, everything. Nothing worked. Being a patient guy, mostly he lived with it. When it happened, he'd walk away from his computer and go have a late lunch, and when it came back it would usually work.
But eventually, that last straw arrived and he couldn't stand it anymore. He called Logitech support. He went through the whole business on the phone, and the whole Logitech troubleshooting script. Eventually the tech basically gave up, and put him on hold while he found a mouse guru to ask.
So my friend is sitting there on hold, toying with this mouse that's not tracking left, shifting restlessly because his ass is sore from sitting there for hours, and suddenly it starts working again right before his eyes. He sits up straight in disbelief, and it stops working. He slumps in disappointment, and it works again. He resorts to handwaving.
From across the room, amidst the cussing, I practically hear the little *ding* as he finally figured it out.
He started work around noon, and in the late afternoon in that season the sunlight would come in under his arm, hit that part of his desk just right, bounce through the seams in the mouse buttons, and dazzle the "left" part of the optical sensor. If he kept it in shadow, it worked fine.
Sometimes it's the little things that get ya.
Re:Logitech's 'Black Hole Of Mousepaddery' (Score:5, Funny)
My call with Logitech:
I worked for a mom-and-pop computer store. Got in a new design of joystick. We were going to put it on a display computer, so I open the box, and the unit is broken. The stick lolls over to the side. One of the springs that holds it upright had failed. (Insert juvenile jokes here.)
I call Logitech. The tech asked me, "Did you try it on another computer?" I patiently explained that the problem was mechanical, and was clearly not a computer issue.
"Well, try it on a different computer." I explained the problem again, careful to be clear and precise.
"Alright, then, try it on a different computer." I clarified that the joystick had never been plugged into any computer. Ever (at least not since it entered the shop). I was completely aware of the defect from the moment I removed the joystick from the box. It had never been attached to any computer.
"Are you refusing to try a different computer?"
Everything after that is a blur.
Ah, this one bugged me quite a lot ... (Score:5, Funny)
His responses were professional, until the point where he mentioned that the 900mhz model was 30% faster than the 700mhz model, and that could possibly justify the increase in the number of time I needed to restart. I then asked if, given two machines, one being twice as fast as the other, but crashing twice as often, these machines were equally usable. At that point he backed from his earlier statement :-)
Regards,
John
It's the OTHER company (Score:5, Funny)
One time I was working with an application server called NetDynamics running on a Solaris machine when NetDynamics tech support said "It's a problem with Solaris, it's a Sun problem". I yelled at him "Sun bought you last year, you ARE Sun!!!" He stammered and said "Yaa, that's true...but it is a problem with Solaris". Ugh.
The Bits/Bytes Multiplier (Score:5, Informative)
The canonical multiplier to go from bytes/sec to bits/sec is ten (10): One start bit, eight data bits, one stop bit. This is how things were over serial/modem connections not so very long ago.
I find it still remains a reasonable rule of thumb. DSL and Ethernet frame data packets differently, of course. There are no start or stop bits surrounding each byte, but there is a multi-byte packet header and trailer. IP framing, of course, adds more overhead, but I find the 10:1 rule is close enough for most purposes. Besides, it's really easy to calculate in your head.
Schwab
Virus problems and my ISP... (Score:5, Funny)
My cable modem connection had stopped work. Given my ISPs track record, this was unremarkable, but after it continued for 2 days, I decided to call the tech support number. After supplying my ID number, the support person told me that my connection was intentionally shut off because I was broadcasting a widely-circulated Windows virus. I promptly informed the tech support person that I did not use the Windows operating system on any of my computers, and that I could not possibly have the virus I was accused of having.
The support rep immediately told me that I had the virus, and that they would not turn my connection back on until I jumped through their anti-virus hoops. I argued for almost 10 minutes with this neophyte that I could not use their Windows anti-virus on my Linux systems, and that even if I could, it would not do a damn bit of good. Did it matter? Of course not.
Finally, in order to get my connection back on, I agreed to perform their anti-virus tricks "to the best of my ability", and install Windows just so I could "remove the virus" from my system. The rep actually thought this was an excellent resolution to the problem, but for some reason didn't believe I would actually do it (could have been my vehement renouncements against the entirety of Microsoft's products). After another 5 minutes of cajoling, I convinced her to turn my connection back on so I could get the anti-virus tools, and access Windows Update.
I was, however, given a stern warning that if I was found to persist in operating with this virus, I would have my account revoked, and my services cancelled. I submissively agreed, and thanked the rep for her time and patience. I haven't heard anything since, and I never did actually install Windows or use the anti-virus crap.
What do you expect for minimum wage, a script, and a bunch of college kids majoring in business?
The LISA daemon could be your problem (Score:5, Informative)
Comment removed (Score:5, Insightful)
Worst tech support explanation (Score:5, Interesting)
I've also had good experiences with tech support, especially on other peoples computers cause I'd be calling for warrenty work. I'd call up say "Hey this computer has a problem starting up, so I swapped out a few things like the PSU, RAM, CPU, and motherboard, the motherboard is probably fried since when I tried a different one it worked, so where could I get a new motherboard since the PC is still under warrenty?" The guy went from ultra depressed (thinking "Oh no, not another problem that will probably require 2 hours to finally get to the conclusion that someone has to look at the computer") to really happy and excited like "Wow thanks for testing out all that stuff, so it's deffinitely the motherboard? Just bring it to such and such store and they'll install a new one for you."
PC tech support seems so much easier to deal with since they seem to know more about how the computer works. I guess it's easier for them since the problem is always on the users end and they have to deal with a lot of different situations. With internet tech support all they know how to deal with is configuring e-mail and setting auto detect IP address in Windows 98 and above. They rarely have to deal with a customer calling up telling them there is a problem on their end and even if the customer described exactly what was wrong, they wouldn't be able to do anything.
Widescreen idiocy (Score:5, Funny)
"That's not a bug," said the tech support peon. "Here's a tech note which explains why you'll have bars above and below the picture when you play a widescreen movie on your monitor."
I told him, "That tech note only applies to 4:3 displays. I'm on a widescreen display. It should still give me thin black bars on the top and the bottom, but it shouldn't put bars on the sides as well. This is Apple's high-end monitor and I paid good money for it. I want to see this problem logged as a bug."
He gave up and had second-tier tech support call me back.
"First, I want you to reformat your hard drive and reinstall your operating system, then try it again," the second-tier guy told me. I figured, what the heck, I have backups, doing a reinstall will take less time than trying to convince him I don't need to reinstall. So I reinstalled. The problem remained, of course.
"The problem is that the Mac can only show a movie at up to twice its original size," the second-tier guy told me. "Your Cinema Display is bigger than that."
"Listen," I said. I have a sixteen-by-nine movie. I have a display that's 1600x1024 resolution. The movie is playing in a 1280x720 box in the middle of the screen. Now, what's the biggest resolution a 16x9 movie should be able to play on a 1600x1024 screen?"
There was silence on the line.
"I'll give you the answer. 1600x900. Right? That goes from edge to edge and leaves thin black bars at the top and bottom, each exactly sixty-two pixels tall. Not thick black bars around all four sides like I have now. Right?"
More silence, then: "I'll work on this and call you back."
He never called me back.
Earthlink (Score:5, Funny)
International weirdness (Score:5, Funny)
- Explain the concept of time zones. Mail went down in the UK at 10am. EST was 4am, and I call UUNet. The guy goes, "What do these people in the YOOKAY want mail at 4am?" It's 10am there, sir. "But it's so early in the frickin' morning! We always do our maintenance between 4 and 6." Yes, and that's 10 to noon in England. "But it's still dark out there, right?" The supervisor I demanded to speak to later told me she had to explain the concept of time zones with a flashlight and an orange.
- Confused Sweden and Switzerland. Austria and Australia. "I am am sorry, sir," said the snooty tech to the head of our Australian Division on a conference call, "I show no 'Sydney' in Australia, maybe you meant Salzberg?" His response, "What are you, kid, TWELVE???"
- One tech said on the conference call, "My boss said to tell the frogs to sip their wine and just wait." On the call? Two techs from Transpac. Merde.
I also got boldfaced lied to, like "Our routers don't keep logs," or "I'll call you right back." Of course, not all was rosy overseas.But all in all, I loved working International.
Actual line from Microsoft... (Score:5, Funny)
True story (Score:5, Interesting)
Called Microsoft.
After a 45 minute call to setup an account, then a wait to get a callback, then another 45 minute conversation with a very nice Indian gentleman, we fixed the problem.
Microsoft Visio and Microsoft Windows are incompatible. This is a known issue. The fix is to drill down to some obscure registry key and add a 1 to it. Then everything works fine.
And somehow Linux is the OS with the reputation for obscure configuration and software conflicts. Go figure.
Gateway Sucks (Score:5, Interesting)
Thus began an odyssey that I hope never to repeat with any company, and certainly will never repeat with Gateway. They're never getting another dime out of me or my family for as long as I'm alive.
Below is why. The first two logs detail a chat session between Gateway and myself, conducted using a particularly nasty piece of customer service software called eGain. You can see how it made the live person on the other end of the chat session sound like a robot.
After that follows a series of e-mail correspondence. This log has been edited both to cover my tracks a bit, and to get around the slashdot filters, as the characters per line ratio of the post is otherwise too low.
Chat Session 1
Question: I updated my BIOS and the system boots, displays gateway logo, but does not POST.
A Chat Agent will be with you shortly.
Wendell: Hello Fahr, welcome to the Gateway Chat Support Service. I am Wendell here to help you with your issue.
Fahr Vergnugen: Hi. Have a system here that's not terribly happy.
Wendell: Can you please tell me the exact problem you are facing with your Computer?
Fahr Vergnugen: Need S/N?
Wendell: Fahr, please provide me your Serial number.
Fahr Vergnugen: Okay, older PII-233Mhz / LX chipset board. tried to slap in a newer celeron, it didn't take, decided to update the bios.
Wendell: Okay , Fahr.
Fahr Vergnugen: sure 0009589521
Wendell: Thanks , Fahr.
Wendell: Can you please tell me the problem you are facing with your System?
Fahr Vergnugen: grabbed BIOS 4A4LL0X0.15A.0023.P18 from the gateway support site (was running P11) and flashed the board.
Wendell: When this issue happens is there an error message? If so, could you please tell me the exact error message?
Fahr Vergnugen: now, the system fires up, displays a gateway logo, and a small progress bar in the top left fills from grey to white, and the system acts like it's going to POST normally, but it never happens.
Fahr Vergnugen: the bar takes between 3 and 4 minutes to reach 100%.
Wendell: When this issue happens is there an error message? If so, could you please tell me the exact error message?
Fahr Vergnugen: and from there it just sits. If I hit TAB to view system messages, it acts normally, but again, no POST. Nothing happens.
Fahr Vergnugen: no error message. Just doesn't beep and post.
Fahr Vergnugen: I think it's probably pretty shafted, but I thought I'd check with you guys.
Wendell: Fahr, please hold on while I search for your resolution.
Fahr Vergnugen: np, holdin' on.
Wendell: Thank you for waiting. Please review the following information, which I think will help you.
Wendell: [Item sent - Astro and Profile 2 - Computer stops responding after power-on self-test (POST)] http://www.gateway.com/support/techdocs/astro/trsh oot/1106.shtml
Wendell: Did you get the page , Fahr?
Fahr Vergnugen: yep, but no help I can tell already, since it assumes I can get to Windows, which is not the case.
Wendell: I realize your time is valuable, please wait one minute while I research this further.
Fahr Vergnugen: np
Wendell: Fahr, I apologize for the delay
Haha - this reminds me... (Score:5, Funny)
The part I was looking for was an RJ45DB9 connector. I had one on me (my personal one), but needed to buy another one (for the business).
The fun started when I went into the store:
Me: Yeah, I'm looking for a DB9-to-RJ45 connector. I don't see them on your shelf, maybe--
SalesTroll: Sir, there's no such thing as that part.
Me: Uh ... no, I need to connect a rollover cable to it. There is such a part. I didn't see it here, but was wonderi--
SalesTroll: That does not exist! I don't know where you got the idea--
Me: *pulls out my hardware - lo and behold, the hardware that "doesn't exist"!
SalesTroll: *confused and shocked expression*
Me: Please grab a manager for me and ask; you may well have one in the back, as you do some networking here.
SalesTroll: *Goes to a manager and mutters something ... manager looks at me and loudly says, that doesn't exist. SalesTroll then pulls out my hardware. Manager looks confused, comes over.*
Manager: Wow, that's weird ... I've never seen anything like this. They must be really rare.
Me: Uh, no, they're used for Cisco devices all the time--
Manager: Oh, those're like Macs, right?
Me: *holding back laughter and murderous thoughts* Uh, no. *I take my hardware back* I'll order online, thanks.
Ah, such fun.
Dude, you're getting owned. (Score:5, Funny)
Mod parent up (Score:5, Funny)
# Tech Support: "Type 'fix' with an 'f'."
# Customer: "Is that 'f' as in 'fix'?"
# Tech Support: "Tell me, is the cursor still there?"
# Customer: "No, I'm alone right now."
# Co-Worker #1: "A boolean variable has two possible values: true or false."
# Co-Worker #2: "Umm...true?"
Re:Rinkworks.com brings you... (Score:5, Funny)
Customer: "When my computer boots up, all I get is a black screen that says, 'boot2/'."
Tech Support: "What operating system are you using?"
Customer: "I'm using Windows 98 and NT 4.0."
Tech Support: "Ok, I'm the Mac tech. The Windows tech is gone, but I can try to help you."
Customer: "Ok, what should I do? I've reformatted the hard drive and have fresh installs of both operating systems."
Tech Support: "Sir, have you put any cheese or mustard in your a drive?"
Customer: "What? Did you just ask me if I put cheese or mustard in my floppy drive?"
Tech Support: "Yeah, we've had that happen a lot lately."
Customer: (staring blankly at roommate, who was laughing uncontrollably on the floor) "I think I'll wait for the PC tech to get back. Thanks for the help." (click)
Re:Best BOFH answer. (Score:5, Funny)
Re:They all start here (Score:5, Funny)
I ask her what makes her think the server isn't working (she did not use a server).
She says that the little box on the screen is moving around like it always does before she logs in (Windows NT) but that it says "No Server Input".
I say: huh?
I've never seen Windows show that screen before...
So, I try to pull up the machine via PC Anywhere... no go.
I try to ping it... no go.
I ask her to describe it again. She says it looks like it always does, but it says "No Server Input".
Frustrated... I climb into the car and drive to her site.
When I look at the monitor, well... it looks nothinkg like a Windows dialog box (which is usually grey in color).
It is a nice colorful Red-Blue-Green "rainbow" colored box... that says "No Signal Input".
You guessed it (I hope)... the monitor is on, but the computer isn't.
So, I boot the computer and all is fine.
When she asks me what I did to fix it (she disapeared as soon as I got there, like most of them do... especially if you need their password)... I told her that I had to reboot the server.
Didn't have the heart to tell her...