Online Dating Advice? 227
frankgod asks: "I'm a 25/M/US geek who managed to get through school with my singleness intact. I plan on staying single for a while into the future, but I am considering online dating in addition to other methods of meeting local women for casual dating. Any advice on particular sites and tweaking profiles or search results? I've looked at eHarmony , Lavalife (sparse local results) and Match.com (seems to be best of the bunch.)"
404 Advice not found (Score:5, Funny)
What would be the IANAL equivalent? IASAV (still a virgin)?
Re:404 Advice not found (Score:2)
Re:404 Advice not found (Score:2)
I'm not sure you really want to use phrase "I ANAL" when you're talking about dating, unless that's really what you're into.
eHarmony is religous (Score:4, Informative)
Then at the end of it basically if you are not strongly xtian (it figures from the questions) you are likely as not to get a message saying that they are unable to provide service to you.
I wouldn't mind them only serving the religous, but they should say so up front to save people wasting a couple hours for no good reason!
Google usenet and you'll find many cases such as this one [google.com].
Re:eHarmony is religous (Score:2, Informative)
Yes, it is run by a guy who follows a religion. No, he doesn't push that on you at all. Supposidly, the people rejected are because they are not looking for relationships, just dates. That's a very different thing.
Of course, the information on how the matching is done is proprietary, so we'll never know for sure.
Still, the site is definitly *not* religiously based.
Re:eHarmony is religous (Score:3, Informative)
http://www.catholicdaters.com/ [catholicdaters.com] is specifically targetted at Catholics and works on the same premise, but is targetted at a particular denomination.
Re:eHarmony is religous (Score:4, Informative)
I am NOT Christian, and had no problem joining and getting matches. Actually, I prefer it, because it is one site where I know that I, as a non-Christian, won't be matched with someone who will try to save me.
I don't know where you got your info, but my experience tells me you are 100% wrong.
Re:eHarmony is religous (Score:4, Informative)
Re:eHarmony is religous (Score:3, Informative)
This is false. Eharmony rejects some people after they fill out the profile. I have yet to see anyone provide a good explanation of who gets chosen for rejection. It certainly doesn't reject you based on your religious beliefs. I think many people made this up becuase they were pissed off at getting rejected by the syst
Re:eHarmony is religous (Score:2)
I don't think it rejects non-christians, but I DO think it rejects non-religious types. People who, like me, may have a lot to say about religion and spirituality, but who don't happen to "test as spiritual". I think their algorithms are designed to match people largely in some kind of religiously-compatible way, which breaks down if you give a kind of combination of answers which just doesn't come from a
I've found eHarmony to be the best one out there. (Score:3, Informative)
I have been amazed at who I was matched with at eHarmony. I had the most compatible matches of any service I have ever tried. In fact, I'm now engaged to a match I made over eHarmony.
Forcing you to go through the personality tests and multiple choice questions before you actually get to meet the person really helps ensure the person you meet at the other side of the process will be of a similar way of thinking to yo.
Re:eHarmony is religous (Score:5, Informative)
Technically, the site is slow, buggy, and difficult to work with. The web-based UI is terrible, and sorting and searching matches was annoying at best.
Match-wise, eHarmony is good for East-Coast residents. Mid-west and West-Coast patrons, from what I've seen, are basically up a creek.
I had nearly a hundred "matches" in about 4 months, most of which never responded.
Here is my full write-up of the service. [sesock.com]
While I think the methodology and concept behind eHarmony is solid, the execution needs a lot of work. Instead, you'd probably be better off in DreamMates [dreammates.com] or American Singles [americansingles.com].
Stay the hell away from Friend Finder, btw.
Re:eHarmony is religous (Score:3, Funny)
American Singles??? [kraftfoods.com]
strange.... (Score:5, Funny)
sorry to break it to you buddy
you're an ametur in a crowd of professionals. if that's an accomplishment, all of
and let's not turn this into a 200-reply thread about marriage. it seems to happen a lot whenever the issue is raised.
Funniest thing I've heard today (Score:5, Insightful)
What-r-u-nuts? Get married NOW. That way, you can get that much close to your second marrage; the one that you will be happy with. (Just don't have kids in the first one.)
(Go ahead...mod this as funny. The old guys know I'm not joking.)
Easiest ways to meet women.. (Score:5, Insightful)
Join a band - that's good for a number or two per show you play out. This worked very well for me. The success of Billy Joel, Lyle Lovett and Ric Ocasek should provide enough incentive.
Adult education classes - Don't take ANYTHING geek related - that's why you're having trouble in the first place. Take art history - it'll make you more well rounded.
Practice makes perfect, after MANY failures you'll find out what works for you. Always hit on the best looking women in the place - women like confidence. You'll get shot down, but do you really care what some stranger thinks - you shouldn't, so get over it and don't be embarrassed.
Make it a rule that you attempt to get a number EVERYTIME you go out at night - no excuses. Even if she's only a 5 or 6, she may have friends who are a 8,9 or a 10 that you can meet later on if you stay friends. Work out your moves on the low stress situation with the 5 or 6 so that when it really counts, you'll be ok.
Have fun!
Re:Easiest ways to meet women.. (Score:5, Funny)
I actually dont feel that 10 year olds are mature enough for me
Re:Funniest thing I've heard today (Score:5, Interesting)
Yahoo Personals (Score:2, Informative)
Re:Yahoo Personals (Score:5, Insightful)
DON'T.
It's that simple. In my part time job I deal with a HUGE number of people in troubled relationships. Here's some of what I've learned from my experience with dating businesses and seen from people I've worked with:
1) On Internet dating, people chat, e-mail, and talk on the phone. If you do try this, meet the person ASAP. Otherwise you don't get a full image of them in your mind and your imagination fills in the blanks with wishful thinking, instead of the fully rounded personality of a true human, complete with foibles. This is especially true for long distance relationships.
2) A large amount of what you see online, in personal ads, through a dating service is misleading. People often either present themselves as they think will look good, as they want to be, or as they see themselves (which is often inaccurate). Then they try to maintain that personality while they're with you.
3) Dating services can be as bad, or worse, than anything else. I tried Together (this was over 10 years ago), and ended up meeting a lawyer elsewhere who helped me sue Together because they did such a rotten job. I got back more than I paid them!
4) Most of the online services are run by people that know little about relationships and how intricate they are (other than their own experiences -- which does not show most of us how delicate many other relationships are). They are more into marketing than into helping people find soulmates (which is really a stupid term and leads people to think there is just one person for them and this person would be a perfect match).
5) If you have to try this, try eHarmony. I saw another thread where someone said they only match Christians. Not true. I took 45 minutes once to take their tests, and register for 1 month to see what they had. Their questionaires are valid (that's from someone who spent about 10 years working in treatment programs), they do a good job at weeding out kooks and people too unstable for a healthy relationship, and they do a good job at matching you with people who are close enough for you to feel comfortable. They won't match a Buddist with a 7th Day Adventist (unless you, as a Buddist, say it's okay!). Actually, one difference is eHarmony picks your matches, based on what psychologists know works. Their tests are complex enough to make it hard to mis-represent yourself (or be fooled by others), so instead of being fooled by the hot blonde who will suck your wallet dry without ever giving you a thing (and who seemed compatible), eHarmony will match you with people highly likely to get along with you.
I have never seen good matches come from dating services (just complaints), rarely from personal ads, and hardly ever from web sites. I have, though, seen many people who have ended up in screwed up relationships through all of the above.
Re:Yahoo Personals (Score:2)
If your only other option is than sitting at home with Rosie Palm, pay the $20 a month.
Re:Yahoo Personals (Score:4, Funny)
They won't match a Buddist with a 7th Day Adventist...
Why not? Both tend towards vegetarianism. :)
Re:Yahoo Personals (Score:4, Funny)
In addition, those I've met from both groups tend to be pretty thoughtful, honest, respectful, and are used to being outside the mainstream without a burning need to disengage from or denigrate the mainstream. It wouldn't be my first matchmakery choice, but I could see them getting along.
On the other hand, I'd pay good money to see the dating adventures of a Jehovah's Witness and a Hare Krishna.
Overrated advice (Score:4, Insightful)
Because you deal with troubled relationships for work, then you're seeing a higher proportion of failures than successes. Would someone go to a doctor to declare themselves 100% fit (besides hypochondriacs obviously)?
I still agree that there are sites which only serve to push porn, prostitutes and phoneys, but if you find a site that's good and you make the effort to do something, I see that as a positive step.
If personal ads and dating services truly didn't work then why are they still around? There are too many positive stories to simply discount it as a misleading direction. It's not the only by any means, and there are a number of other non-site-related options discussed in this thread, but online dating is no less or no more effective than anything else. It's partly a stigma issue that we're still not certain what the effects are.
Re:Overrated advice (Score:3, Insightful)
Actually, no. But I realized my post would be long enough, so I didn't go into detail. I won't go into what I do part-time, other than to say that it's work I love, and even though my own business does well, I still enjoy my part-time job. I see people in good relationships, but I've seen the same patterns over and over from Internet daters and personal ad daters. I've seen patterns in my real life that indicate the
Re:Yahoo Personals (Score:3, Informative)
Unable to Match You at This Time
eHarmony is based upon a complex matching system developed through extensive testing of married individuals. One of the requirements for it to work successfully is for participants to fall into our rigorously defined profiles. If we aren't able to match a user well using these profiles, the most considerate approach is to inform them early in the process.
Re:Yahoo Personals (Score:2)
*sniff sniff*
Smells like a BUSINESS PLAN to me!
My wife... (Score:2)
That said, I did try Together, and it SUCKED with a capital S-U-C-K-E-D. I didn't sue them, but I should have.
It's really hit or miss out there. I met a lot of people from various sites. Some were scary and some were great - just like in "real life". It used to be a lot worse, but as more people get comfortable with it, the pool rounds out.
Maybe you have a suggestion (Score:2)
So how about something "based on what psychologists know works" that we could take together. I guess something like the eHarmony test y
Re:Maybe you have a suggestion (Score:3, Informative)
Re:Yahoo Personals (Score:4, Interesting)
1) I agree, it's best to meet face to face as soon as practical. However, you can know someone for years and still fill in a lot of their personality with wishful thinking. The best advice is to be extremely honest extremely early, and hit the topics that could cause problems as quickly as possible.
2) <sarcasm$gt;Good thing this only happens over the Internet.</sarcasm$gt; Admittedly, in face to face conversation it's impossible for a 300-lb. guy from Detroit to pretend to be a fifteen year old girl, but the point stands. It's the same as any other forum: watch out for falseness and pretension, and don't take anyone at their word.
3) Was this an online dating service? Or a real life one? I've never tried the latter.
4) Evidence? I don't see a huge advantage to having an online service run by someone with a masters in psychology or family counseling, because it's so difficult to apply anything they've learned in their studies to Internet dating. Those who think too highly of their own knowledge will end up running something like eHarmony.com, which (according to another poster) writes off 20% of their potential customers as hopeless.
5) Screw eHarmony. Try OKCupid [okcupid.com]. The system is pretty straightforward. You create an account, then answer as many of the hundreds of questions in their database as you like. You can also say how your ideal match would answer, and how important it is that they answer properly. Then it looks for people who match you well. It works pretty well so long as you're honest with yourself and actually know what you want.
It's absolutely free. No "Premium Memberships" crap.
To summarize my post: I met my girlfriend there, and I resent the implication that this automatically means our relationship is "screwed up".
Re:Yahoo Personals (Score:2)
That's an obvious example. On the other hand, it's easier for someone to create a false personna on the net, and it takes longer to detect because, whether we realize it or not, that first impression sticks.
3) Was this an online dating service?
Re:Yahoo Personals (Score:3, Interesting)
OKCupid is great for finding a bunch of people who are a lot like you. eHarmony sounds to me
Try Craigslist (Score:2)
Sounds like you already know (Score:5, Informative)
Re:Sounds like you already know (Score:2)
That being said, just be aware that the girls on there, like on any site, are probably flooded with messages. Moreso if they have a picture. My roommate got 15 messages the first day she
For those in the Tribe (Score:2, Troll)
Quote: "Highly recommended."
Unfortunately, I don't have any more to add to the anecdote. Happily, I'm married so I don't have to use it
Also, don't rule out Friendster.
Re:For those in the Tribe (Score:4, Informative)
Sorry to .sig reply... (Score:2)
Re:Sorry to .sig reply... (Score:2)
This sounds like a technical spec (Score:2, Insightful)
Your post reads like a functional spec for some implementation:
"the approproiate function should directly or indirectly provide methods to locate female interaction in convenient proximity to the user's house in timely manner."
That's just weird, man.
Stop working so much. Get out and interact and live! Stop thinking like an engineer and treat other people like normal human, living creatures.
Under the Huppah... (Score:4, Interesting)
I have heard a lot of good things about http://www.underthehuppah.com [underthehuppah.com]. Several friends have found dating parters there they are very happy with on the site (I am fortunate enough to already have a wonderful partner, or I would sign up as well).
It's a site geared towards Hebrew Christian and Messianic Jewish dating, but even if you don't fall under one of these categories, it's a great site, with a lot of people.
Good luck!
Re:Under the Huppah... (Score:2)
Are the chicks hot?
(Apologies. Couldn't self-censor myself quick enough, even while typing out the apology, which is a lot longer than the original message).
Advice (Score:5, Informative)
eharmony.com: only for people who are abjectly terrified of meeting people. They jump through tons of hoops to make sure you won't ever have to talk to people you might not like. This site is only for people who are unwilling to take risks. Frankly, I don't know how one can date at all without taking risks so I think this site is dumb.
match.com: the biggest, but also one of the most annoying. Their user interface is horrible (you may have to try several browsers or (eek) IE), they delete your emails, and it's expensive ($20/month). Frankly after sending messages to people for a while it's useful to go back and see who you've emailed before and what you said. Because most of the time, the first email will go unanswered.
Spring Street Networks: These guys have a number of sites including personals.theonion.com, personals.nerve.com, and about 12 others. This has some of the most clever, interesting personals out there. They're also cheap. You buy "credits" and use them when you want to (usually $1 to email someone -- but only the first time). So unless you're contacting a lot of people, It's very difficult to work up to the $20/month the other sites charge.
personals.yahoo.com: Also a decent site, personals are less interesting than spring street, but they have more people. The link to yahoo's instant messenger is nice too.
hotornot.com: (and similar) So simple even a monkey could figure it out, so monkeys generally do. It's nice because it's noncommittal. On the other sites, many people are basically looking for a husband, or a commitment from the first. Personally, I can't meet people under those kind of expectations. Maybe after a while, but not up front. So it's eas(ier) to meet people casually. It's also pretty cheap. $6/month, IIRC.
Online dating is a weird thing. It went basically nowhere for me and I gave up after about a year. I moved to a new place and didn't know anyone so thought this might be interesting. However you end up only meeting people one-on-one. Nobody wants to invite someone they met online to go out in a group of friends. Everyone feels weird about it. So, it was an awful way to build a circle of friends in a new place. Expect that you will only get responses about 1/10 of the time. The ratio of guys to girls on these sites is terrible. Also guys will have to write people, often. You have to work hard at it.
Lastly, work on your profile. Most profiles are shit. Pay attention to what you like and dislike in other profiles, and continue to improve yours. Chances are it will suck at the start, but will get better. Also get a good picture of yourself. It's important.
From a generation raised by women... (Score:3, Insightful)
You just haven't found the right partner (Score:2)
The right partner will not be an impediment to you. For instance, when I told my wife that I wanted to leave my comfortable job and start a business, she did not say, "What, are you crazy? We live comfortably! Why do you want to do something unstable like that?" She said, "How can I help?"
God bless her, she had no idea what she was getting herself into. But she stood by me month after month after month of:
My eHarmony Experience (Score:5, Interesting)
First, you fill out a *very* long questionare. Once that was done ( over an hour ), it came back and said it had no matches for me. That's pretty depressing. I gradually expanded the search parameters (there are a few things, such as location, that you can control)... before long I had eHarmony telling me there was no one anywhere in the world for me! I had always suspected it, but you hate to have a computer confirm it.
About three or four days later, it got a hit. The next day, it got four more hits. I've yet to figure out the algorithm.... it's not rate limiting, but the hits seem to come in batches. Some people just signed up, but others seem to have been there for awhile.
Anyway, I've been a member since June, and have gotten over 50 hits with it. Of those 50, only 5 have I dismissed right away. Most of the rest never respond to me (if you take the questionaire, you show up as a match, but can't communicate unless you pay the money. No doubt a lot of the never-responders are people who aren't interested enough to pay).
I've actually communicated with only four people from the system, and only gone on any dates with one of them. It's too early to say how that's going...
For me, it works. I'm not the sort of person who wants to date casually... I'm not going to go out with someone just to have a date on Saturday night. If I'm going out with someone, it's because I'm really interested in them, or at least interested in becoming more interested.
I'm not sure I agree with all the tenants of eHarmony... I think they are more interested in creating "stable" relationships then they are in "good" relationships. Their argument would probably be that they can do the "stable" with statistics, and it's up to the people to decide on the "good". Maybe that's fair.
Re:My eHarmony Experience (Score:3, Informative)
tenants != tenets
sorry, can't help myself, and some people recognize that i'm not just trying to be an asshole or embarass people.
Re:My eHarmony Experience (Score:2, Interesting)
Right now, I am using Match.com. I have had better succes with this one. I've gone out on several dates with different guys yeah, I am one of the few
Best advice that I can give as a woman -- be honest in your desc
Free is better (Score:2, Informative)
and
www.okcupid.com [okcupid.com]
For friends or dating.
Read the ladder theory first (Score:3, Funny)
"The ladder theory is a theory of adult male/female interaction.
It has its basis in many years of sociological field testing.
It was first conceptualized in 1994 in Exeter, CA.
My acknowledgements to Jared Whitson for his role in formalizing the theory"
Re:Read the ladder theory first (Score:2)
Also see The Game [greenspun.com].
Three years experience... (Score:5, Informative)
Springstreet handles the personals for a billion sites, including boston.com, the Onion, Fark, and others.
I have gone on about a dozen "dates" during that time, and met some really cool people. I dated a couple for over three months. Springstreet does cater to a somewhat older crowd than your typical Yahoo! personals. It also has a wide variety, since it pulls from so many sites.
I also have a profile on okcupid.com [okcupid.com]. It is a little more cheesy, but... I have met a few people off of there. More of them are going for "online penpals", to some degree.
Some suggestions: As a male, you have to really work to set your profile apart from others. Be funny, be original. Look at a bunch of ads and see what catches your eye. Look through both males and females. Copy that. Change it regularly. Quantity is good.
PUT UP A PICTURE. Make it a normal headshot, nothing too strange.
BE HONEST! If you are planning on ever meeting these people, they will figure out what is true and not very quickly. Also, honesty helps make your profile even more appealing. It makes you more human, and more approachable.
Read through personals. Read a lot of them before you ever write to someone. Figure out what you like and what you do not like.
When you start writing to someone, comment on their profile. Ask them questions about it. Usually after about 4-5 days of conversing online (usually via email), I will suggest meeting in person. Suggest going out for coffee, at a public location. Make them feel safe. Do not have a first meeting be too involved - dinner might be too much commitment to someone they have never met. Maybe miniature golf. Something where you are able to talk - a movie is not a good idea.
DO NOT AUTOMATICALLY DISMISS ANYONE! if someone writes you, take the courtesy of writing back. I always wait until I meet them in person before making my final decision. Some people just go not come across well online.
BE PATIENT! I have responded to a ton of people, and had a ton of people respond to me (I was a "featured personal of the day" on boston.com one weekend. Got about eight responses in as many hours). A lot of times they do not pan out. The emails stop, or the first meeting is awkward, or... Get used to rejection. Remember - practice makes perfect! Each time I meet a new person for the first time, it is easier than the last. I am now pretty conformable with it, and I am comfortable when I know it is not going well.
[Oh, and I met one person this past weekend. It did not go really well. I am meeting one person tomorrow for the first time (we first started talking back in June!), and another one this Saturday. That is right, I am single again!]
Re:Three years experience... (Score:2)
You make a number of good points, but this is a really key one. It is hard to pick up on some nuances in online conversation (look at the flaming that goes on here sometimes) and I have had people completely misunderstand things I've said.
Also, I once met someone who described herself as "large." I'm not bothered by heavier women, so after a long phone conversation we met at about 5 am (yes, AM...) and she was quite slim and athletic. When I asked her about the descri
Best two options for local dating (Score:2)
(1) Get AOL account for $14.95 per month with your own ISP. Go to local AOL chat rooms. You will find plenty of girls there and with a month's effort, you will definitely get laid or find a gf or a wife!
(2) www.OKCUPID.com = Free dating site started by geeks but very popular and its 10 times better than match.com or eharmony.com and absolutely free and has thousands of members (hundreds in your local area)! Try it!
Re:Best two options for local dating (Score:2)
No there aren't. I'm in Montana. There's like... 4? Maybe 5 now?
Comparison (Score:2)
After his divorce, my boss tried match.com, e-harmony.com, table for six and at least one or two others. He has been steadily & exclusively dating for many months now. I don't recall which one scored the hit but when I asked him which had the highest percentage of good dates he rated them as e-harmony #1, table for six #2 and match.com #3 but met nice women on eac
What's with the editors? (Score:4, Funny)
Asking
Seriously though, who put you up to this? Shouldn't you have waited till late March to submit this?
match.com tip -- Sign up for free...and cancel... (Score:2)
Keep in mind that they don't want you to quit even if you use the free account and do not use the service anymore. Any numbers look good. Formally removing yourself can be a bit of a pain. Google for directions on what you have to do.
(You pay them because you can look but not contact anyone unless you subscribe.)
ballroom dancing (Score:3, Insightful)
Salsa Dancing (Score:2)
1) Salsa dancing is very, very un-nerdy. It requires some talent, too, so not just anyone can do it, you have to dedicate some time to it. But then you look pretty good when you do pick it up.
2) Girls like it. It's exciting and fun. (Well, lots do, of course some don't).
3) If you go to the right kinds of places, you can casually dance with lots of people in one e
Re:ballroom dancing (Score:2)
shit! they're on to me???
I'm the one in the back row eating a donut...
Stick to jacking off... (Score:5, Funny)
[no pun intended]
It's virtually impossible to find a girl that will put up with a man that does what he want's when he wants (translation: online gaming, working late, etc).
In the beginning, ALL WOMEN are very considerate and "understanding" of your work/play habits. However, as the relationship [inevitably] matures (aka, after the first 6 months), they will begin to pull in the reigns. I've gone into every relationship I've had thinking, "I'm not going to let this one be like the last one; I'm going to call the shots, and do what I want to do; and when I want to do it.".
However, here's the cold hard reality: I will be probably be married within 12 months and my freedom(s) will be gone forever.
Seriously, much like many other geeks, I'm not sure how I let things get to this point. You enter a relationship knowing exactly how things are going to happen, however, within a few months you find yourself fighting tooth and nail just to have a few hours for goofing-off, gaming, etc. My girl gives me plenty of space, and I love her more than anything on the planet - I wouldn't change it for anything...
Disclaimer: Sweetie, if you're reading this, I'm just kidding. hehe.
Oh goodenss.... (Score:2)
If you are not, you are not funny.
This guy is right (Score:2, Insightful)
In the ensuing four years I have met a few women that I like enough that I would have asked them out if I hadn't sworn off dating. I even briefly toyed with taking another shot at dating, but my willpower held. All I had to do to convince myself i
Good Lord, no!! (Score:3, Funny)
Ask Charlton Heston.
Tried online dating (Score:2)
The uncomfortable fact is that a great many people openly lie on online dating services. True, that's not everybody, but it's a high enough percentage that I don't feel it would be ethical for me to recommend it.
Other people have said "be patien
Don't. Just don't. (Score:5, Interesting)
Online dating has been one of the most dehumanizing processes I've ever been through. And I used to be in the military.
First things first -- unless you look like a movie star and are super rich, and spend your time jet setting around the world, resign yourself to spending a good deal of money on online dating now. Most dating sites are "controlled" by a subset of women who don't need to spend any money because every Tom, Dick, and Harry is using their credits to contact them. They won't spend a whole lot of time looking for you, because they don't need to. You'll be in a darwinian struggle with a pile of other guys, and if you're not picture-perfect, your not going to get that date you need to show them your personality.
Also remember there are sometimes very good reasons why some of the women you'll meet online are single. I've wound up dating two women who were out patients from psychiatric institions. Now I'm not the kind of guy who stigmatizes people with mental illness, and I think they diserve love and support too -- but these women were too unstable to support any form of relationship, and had serious problems they needed to deal with before they could consider any form of stable relationship.
Also remember that the women you do wind up getting in touch with online often feel like they have a lot of other choices, so if you don't wow them and fill their hearts with desire on the very first date, your chances of a second date are virtually nil. Very, very, very few of the women you meet online are going to take the time to really get to know you -- if you don't immediately fit their expectations, most (in my experience at least) aren't going to invest the time to get to know you.
And if you hold any tenents outside societal norm, you're probably already out of the race. Online dating sites give people the ability to search on specific qualities, and if you don't show up in the average search, you're not going to get anywhere. I'm an athiest and a non-drinker (neither of which I enforce on or expect of others, BTW). My profile doesn't tend to get too many hits (more for the latter than the former, sad to say). I actually had one woman walk out on a date with me when I told her I was an athiest (the site I use doesn't have a selection in their religion combo box for "athiest" -- the closest is "non religious").
(I really hate to pick on so many women as I seem to have done so in this post. I can only guess that many men on online dating sites are the same -- but I don't date men, so I have no experience with their foibles. What few dates I have been on over the years I've been on online dating sites have usually shared their previous experiences, and one common theme with them is meeting men who are nothing like they claim, especially in the looks department).
Remember as well that you're going to be competing with a lot of people who are lying about themselves to make themselves sound better than they are. You can do the same thing -- but most women aren't going to date you again if/when they discover your dishonesty. Still, you're competing with the geekoid down the street who claims he looks like Mel Gibson and Tom Cuise combined, and that makes it exceedingly difficult for you to compete if you're truuthful (and, presumably, don't look like Mel Gibson and/or Tom Cruise).
Yeah, I'm a bit bitter over my experiences. I quit online dating for a long time, but after leaving the military recently signed back on, just to see if things had changed. I'm sad to say that, based on my experience these past few months, they haven't. Now I'm just a bitter old coot nobody would want to date anyway who hangs around /. telling whomever will listen him sad and loney online dating tale :).
Yaz.
Re:Don't. Just don't. (Score:4, Insightful)
I'm saying this in the most polite manner I can, but if you come across in your personal ad the way you did in that post, it's no wonder you had such bad experiences.
I'm no Adonis. Sure, I was in a bit better shape when I was single, but looks really don't mean much, either in meatspace or online and I met more than my share of fun, attractive, lusty women. One of them I couldn't live without, so I married her.
It took me most of my life to figure this out, but dating is all about attitude. Not looks, not money, not fame. Project a confident, self-assured attitude and it's amazing how differently the world responds to you.
Re:Don't. Just don't. (Score:2)
Don't worry -- I don't. But the opportunity to vent my near-total frustration with online dating came up, and I just had to take it and hopefully warn others away.
I suppose it works for some people, but for the rest of us online dating is just a huge disappointment.
Maybe it's where I live. I really don't know. Nobody seems to want to ta
Re:Don't. Just don't. (Score:2)
slashdot.org/comments.pl?sid=123748&cid=103972 29
Great site for desperate women: (Score:5, Funny)
Really good dating advice... (Score:5, Insightful)
I'm posting here on Slashdot, so obviously my sources of credibility are a little bit shot from the beginning, but hang with me on this, because not only is this good advice, but when you listen to it, you'll realize that it's good advice.
Back when I was 12, I had a crush on a girl in my class, but, like many of you here, I was shy, and embarrassed. Also, at the time, I was a little overweight. (Okay, more than a little ;) ) I had a friend who was cool, and definitely more on the 'in' side of things, and I told him about liking her.
At that point, he told me the most useful dating advice I've ever heard, from then, and up till now. He said, "Ask her out. What's the worse she could say? 'No.'" I've found this to be the key to successful dating, and I'll explain why.
All of the guys who are having trouble dating are like school kids who can't ride a bike, but see other people riding bikes and really want to. The problem is, they're all so afraid of getting skinned knees, that they never even bother to give it a chance. Just like any difficult undertaking, there will always be a chance of getting a little hurt, but, when it comes right down to it, skinned knees aren't the end of the world, and neither is the word 'No'.
So, next time you're out on the street, or at a bar, pool hall, etc., and you see someone you find attractive, walk over to them and ask for their phone number. You know what they'll say? 'No.' But keep doing it for awhile, and you'll soon find that you're a little more comfortable with it, and it doesn't hurt so much. Keep doing it, and you'll learn how to present yourself so she/he is interested, which opens up the dating possibilities.
Doing well with regards to dating doesn't mean you never get hurt, and it doesn't mean you're always successful, but if you get out there and keep trying, you'll meet some really cool people (and some not so cool ones), and you'll end up meeting the woman/man of your dreams. (And sometimes just the woman/man of your dreams for that night ;) ) Good luck!
I failed the eHarmony personality test. (Score:4, Funny)
It isn't perfect... (Score:2, Informative)
They perpetually test your personality, and provide you with a list of likely matches in your area. Dating isn't the primary focus, but for your purposes it should do nicely.
Spend a few days answering the matching questions and browsing through the profiles of people in your area, you'll find some girls to hang out with in no time.
okcupid.com (Score:5, Informative)
Re:okcupid.com (Score:2, Interesting)
Best Advice for Men (Score:2)
1) Purchase a stack of women's magazines
2) Read articles in the magazine about the best place to go to meet a guy.
3) When the women readers follow that advice, be there.
Save your Cash (Score:2)
That being said, here is my experience with those services:
I did the match.com thing for a couple years off and on and here is what I found out - (disclaimer: all based on experience and not on solid fact. Anything that resembles a solid fact, is, in fact, based on opinion) -
- (Fishing): maybe 60% of women (especially those somewhat attractiv
Re:Save your Cash (Score:2)
Ahh, Valhalla. I never found ye on Match.com.
speed dating (Score:2, Informative)
Try speed dating. You get to talk face-to-face and decide who you want to date. See 8minutedating.com, rapiddating.com, hurrydate.com, etc.
I have found this to be very successful. It took me about a half a dozen tries with varying degrees of success to get the hang of it, but I eventually reached the point where I can make a love connection about half the time (where "love" = in bed by the third date). I c
Askling for Dating Advice on /. (Score:2)
The best advice you'll get is varying degrees of go ahead and try the online stuff, or leave your house. Since you
Re:Askling for Dating Advice on /. (Score:2)
Re:Askling for Dating Advice on /. (Score:2)
My experiences (Score:2)
I met my current girlfriend on craigslist [craigslist.org] and dated someone I met on MatchDoctor [matchdoctor.com]. My friends (all in roughly your situation, it seems) have had good experience at OkCupid [okcupid.com], Emode [emode.com], and Yahoo [yahoo.com].
I can't test any of these links at work cause the filter blocks them. I hope they're correct.
Craigslist? (Score:2)
There is hope for the world yet!
Re:Craigslist? (Score:2)
But after trail and error (MANY errors) I had some success on the dating section. I have not posted to the forums. I also have made quite a few friends in the activities section.
It can work well, if done right. (Score:5, Informative)
Secondly, my online dating resume: Currently living with my girlfriend of two years (definately not too distant future fiance -- just a timing thing) who I met through match.com. Had several other longer term and relationships with women I met online through such services. Also have had relationships that started "in real life" (we met at the rock concert type stories). My honest opinion is that it really doesn't matter how you make initial contact with somebody -- once you've met a person, the circumstances under which you happened to have come in contact are pretty irrelivant.
Anyway, first some observations:
1) Meeting people online is mainstream these days -- there's a perception that there's a social stigma, and that only freaks meet people online -- but I found both of these, while they may have been true in the past, to no longer hold much water. You definately don't have to make an excuse as to why you've resorted to looking online -- if done correctly, it's one of the best ways to get exposed to a large pool of people in a short amount of time -- and the more people you come in contact with, the greater chance that you'll bump into somebody compatible.
2) My own observation, and confirmed over and over again by women I know who use online singles sites: The experience for women on these sites is radically different from men. Women get TONS of messages from men. So to get a reply you really have to make yourself stand out. The good news is that most of the contact the women receive are either cut and pasted blurbs that some guy sends to a ton of women, from guys that come across as sleazeballs just looking to get laid, or otherwise just generally undesireable messages. Guys on the other hand generally very rarely get messages unless they initiate the contact.
So advice (based on my own experience, and the experience of women who I met online, or friends I know who look for relationships online):
* Your online profile is VERY important. As a guy, it isn't likely to get many people to contact you on its own, but it's vital for making yourself stand out from others when you contact somebody and want to hear back from them -- take the time to really describe who you are as much as possible, and include the things that make you different from other people -- write with a voice that shows your personality, and be honest (but leave out unnecessary self criticism). Everybody says post a picture -- but I think I've had just as much success either way. I think that most cases where having a picture posted would make a difference as to whether you get a reply or not, it's probably not a person something would work out with anyway.
* Be picky about who you contact. You're going to have to spend a significant amount of time preparing a message to them (see below) if you want a response, so find somebody who's profile really interests you and inspires you to write something interesting to them. Also want to try to find people who look like they're interested in somebody like you -- If all somebody talks about is they're love of the outdoors, and you never leave the city-- then you're probably not going to have a lot of luck. You'll server yourself well trying to find profiles that stand out from the generic ones (you'll learn the generic ones pretty quick).
* When you contact somebody, take the time to REALLY write them or your changes of getting a reply are small. Don't just tell somebody that you "liked their profile"-- tell them WHY, what about them interested you-- and be sincere. Also, tell them why you think that they might like you... not generic stuff, but specific things about you that seem to fit who thi
Don't do it man (Score:2)
Other than that, good luck!
Don't pay a dime (Score:2)
1. your college's Unix network (who, finger and talk are all you need to meet girls) (personal score: 2)
2. IRC: become a regular on a channel or two (personal score: 4)
3. Is Yahoo Personals still free? (personal score: 2)
4. ivisit...just buy a decent webcam (personal score 1)
The most important thing to keep in mind is to not be in "desperately seeking" mode, just be yourself.
For the LDS folks (Score:2)
Yes, there are more than a few of us on here. :P
I've had plenty of fun using LDS Mingle [ldsmingle.com], LDS LinkUp [ldslinkup.com], and LDS Singles [ldssingles.com]. It's a lot less awkward than asking out that cute girl in your ward. Mingle and Singles are both directed at dating, though LinkUp is a lot less formal, kinda like "Friendster for Mormons".
If you aren't LDS... then start looking for some of those specialized dating sites. There are sites for Jews, Catholics, aethists, right-wingers, left-wingers, apoliticals... pretty much any classificati
Pub Quiz (Score:2)
Over a period of a year, life started to improve drastically. I got several pay rises and a promotion at work. It was as if a bolt of lightning had hit me and put some self-belief in my thick skull.
One day I had been for a interview for a new job. It was a long way away, and I didn't get home until late in the evening. It wa
Expand your social circle (Score:2)
25 Tips for Edating (Score:3, Informative)
One of my essays, 25 Tips for Edating [unsolvedheart.com] is probably helpful.
YOu should check out edatereview [edatereview.com] for inside tips (and a fun laugh).
Postscript: one reason I decided to give up on edating is that it's frustrating to get such a miserable response rate. Also, I had a programming project that has been occupying all my time as of late. That's the typical geek life for you.
Re:babel fish translation (Score:2)
Re:boo hoo (Score:2)
Re:tweak??? (Score:3, Funny)
Daniel
Don't knock single parents (Score:5, Insightful)
What don't you like? (Score:2)
Fraud [Re:adultfriendfinder?] (Score:2)
many duplicate ads (e.g. the same blond babe lives in Perioa, New York City, Bakersfield, Idaho Falls, Bombay, Nepal, etc)
many "sissy-boys" showing their private parts (publically flashing without risk of arrest)
many woman trolling for extra income