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What's the Best Geek Joke You Know?
Posted by
Cliff
on Thu Jun 23, 2005 05:05 PM
from the limericks-and-jests-and-jokes-oh-my dept.
from the limericks-and-jests-and-jokes-oh-my dept.
super_ogg writes "To break some of the office blues, I decided to tell the worst geek joke I know: 'Why did the Comp. Engineer get X-mas and Halloween mixed up? A: Because Oct(31) == Dec(25)!' Some groaned, some laughed, but only a geek could understand it. I was wondering what are some of the best/worst geek jokes people have out there for the Slashdot community?"
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Best geek joke: (Score:5, Funny)
Here's the best one I know. It's a bit long...but I have faith in you.
Changing a Light Bulb (Score:5, Funny)
A: None. It's a hardware problem.
Re:Changing a Light Bulb (Score:5, Funny)
Parent
Well,,, (Score:4, Funny)
"...if one more person enters the building, it will be empty."
"No, but I know where I am."
"Yeah, her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you, anyway."
"Unix Airlines: You walk out to the runway and they give you a box of tools and some airplane parts. The passengers form into groups and start building twelve different planes."
Have I missed anything?
Re:Well,,, (Score:5, Funny)
Parent
"...but a talking frog is cool!" (Score:4, Funny)
"...but a talking frog is cool!"
As I heard it: An engineer is walking down the road one day, and, seeing a frong on the side of the road, bends down to look at it. Suddenly, it pipes up and talks to him!
"I may look like a frog now, but I'm really a princess - if you kiss me, I'll turn back into my real self!"
The engineer smiles, picks up the frog, puts it in his (pocket protected) shirt pocket and goes on to the lab.
When he gets to the lab, he puts the frog down to get some work done, and she opens her mouth to speak:
"I tell you, I'm a beautiful princess! If you kiss me, I'll turn back, and I'll do anything you want!"
The engineer smiles, and goes on with is work. After he's done, he picks the frog up. She again starts talking to him:
"Look, I'm a princess turned into a frog! If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful woman. I'll do whatever you want! And I'll stay with you forever!"
The engineer peers at the frog, smiles, and tucks it back in his pocket for the walk home. When he gets there, he pulls her out, and she nearly screams at him:
"WHAT THE HELLS THE MATTER WITH YOU? Here I am, I'm a beautiful princess, I'll do whatever you want, and I'll stay with you forever! Why won't you kiss me??"
The engineer says, "Well, I don't have time for a girlfriend,..."
--LWM
Parent
"Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you," (Score:4, Insightful)
His friend explains, "Well, I walk walking along, and this gorgeous blond drives up on the motorcycle, stops in front of me, strips her clothes off and tells me, 'Take what you want!'"
The engineer nods in understanding. "Good choice. Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."
--LWM
Parent
Re:Well,,, (Score:4, Funny)
omgsean123: so anyway, heisenberg is speeding down the street and he gets pulled over by a cop
omgsean123: and the cop is like "do you know how fast you were going?"
omgsean123: and he says "no, but i know exactly where i am!"
Certainly my current fav.
Parent
Re:Well,,, (Score:4, Interesting)
Parent
Ahem... (Score:4, Funny)
Re:Ahem... (Score:4, Funny)
Parent
Good old one. (Score:5, Funny)
Q- Who was the first computer technician?
A- Eve. She had an Apple in one hand and a Wang in the other.
a few (Score:5, Funny)
Those who know binary
And those who don't
A cop pulls over Dr. Heisenburg and says, "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"
Dr. Heisenburg responds, "NO, but I know EXACTLY where I am"
Professor: What is the integral of dcabin over cabin?
Student: Log cabin
Professor: No, its a house boat! You forgot to add the C
Professor: What is the area of a circle
Student: Pi R square
Professor: Pi are not square, Pie are round
As long as we're doing math jokes (Score:5, Interesting)
(12 + 144 + 20 + 3 * 4 ^
Translated:
A dozen, a gross, and a score, plus three times the square root of four, divided by 7, plus 5 times 11, is nine squared, and not a bit more.
Parent
dirty tree and a turd (Score:4, Funny)
"Here's your first question."
"Without using numbers represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" the Cajun says. "Dat's easy," and proceeds to draw 3 trees.
"What's this?" the foreman asks.
"Well, tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Cajun.
"Fair enough," replies the foreman. "Here is your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Cajun stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture of the three trees and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" !
"Each of da trees is dirty now! So dirty tree and dirty tree and dirty tree. Dat is 99!"
"All right. Last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Cajun stares into space again, then picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, "Ere you go. One hundred!"
The foreman looks at the attempt. "How in the world does this represent a hundred?"
The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says,
"A little dog come along and crap by each tree, so now you've got dirty tree and a turd and dirty tree and a turd and dirty tree and turd, and dat make one 'undred.
So when do I start work?"
Parent
there's already a geeky joke archive (Score:5, Funny)
a recent one:
pathogen: in maths today we found out that 1+3+3+7 = 14
pathogen: so therefore 1337 = 14
pathogen: so anyone who speaks 1337 is 14
Software Engineer in the shower (Score:5, Funny)
The instructions on his shampoo said: Lather, rinse, repeat.
Helicopter in Seattle (Score:5, Funny)
A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's navigation and communications equipment. Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to get back to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building with lights on and flew toward it, the pilot had the passenger draw a handwritten sign reading "WHERE AM I?" and hold it up for the building's occupants to see.
People in the building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the passenger asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.
The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the Microsoft support building, they gave me a technically correct but entirely useless answer."
Re:Helicopter in Seattle (Score:5, Funny)
The passenger continued, "You must have been in marketing before you became a pilot."
"Yes, I was, how did you know?" the pilot replied.
"Because you didn't know where you were or what you were doing, but expected the computer tech to be able to help you. After he answered your question, you were in the same situation as before, but then you decided it was his fault."
Parent
riddles older than me (Score:4, Funny)
He's changing each tire to see which one is flat.
And the related problem:
How do you recognize a field service engineer on the side of the road who has run out of gas?
He's changing each tire to see which one is flat.
Parent
Its a Dup. (Score:3, Funny)
Talking Frog (Score:5, Funny)
Re:Talking Frog (Score:5, Funny)
Good one. (Score:5, Funny)
Parent
Fun (Score:5, Insightful)
t0rbad> so there i was in this hallway right
BlackAdder> i believe i speak for all of us when i say...
BlackAdder> WRONG BTICH
BlackAdder> IM SICK OF YOU
BlackAdder> AND YOUR LAME STORIES
BlackAdder> NOBODY HERE THINKS YOURE FUNNY
BlackAdder> NOBODY HERE WANTS TO HEAR YOUR STORIES
BlackAdder> IN FACT
BlackAdder> IF YOU DIED RIGHT NOW
BlackAdder> I DON"T THINK NOBODY WOULD CARE
BlackAdder> SO WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT FAG
*** t0rbad sets mode: +b BlackAdder*!*@*.*
*** BlackAdder has been kicked my t0rbad ( )
t0rbad> so there i was in this hallway right
CRCError> right
heartless> Right.
r3v> right
Geek jokes. (Score:4, Funny)
A: "What's up?"
B: "Right Cross Forward."
For a longer joke, I like to go back to my old Applied Math days...
An airplane leaves Warsaw for London. Some crippling illness (take your pick) renders the pilot and co-pilot inoperative. The stewardess goes out among the passengers looking for anyone with flying experience to help make an emergency landing and finds two cropduster pilots.
They get up to the cockpit and get on the radio with the landing tower, who is going to help talk them down. As the instructions start coming in, however, they end up helplessly gazing across the vast expanse of lights, switches and controls in a modern passenger airplane, infinitely more complicated than their old cropduster. "I don't think we can handle this." one of says. "Why not?" asks the radio tower. "Well, you see, we're just two simple Poles in a complex plane."
Four men in a car (Score:4, Funny)
The car stalled out.
The mechanical engineer said, "It must be the pistons; let's repair them and be on our way."
The electrical engineer said, "It has to be the spark plugs; we'll
replace them and be ready to roll in no time at all."
The chemical engineer said. "No, it's got to be bad gas; we'll flush the system and be on our way."
They turned to the computer engineer. "What do you think we should do?" they asked.
The computer engineer shrugged and said, "Let's get out of the car, close the doors, then get back in and try restarting it."
On computer theorist... (Score:5, Funny)
- Is it a boy or a girl?
- Yes.
(translated from french, but should be understandable...)
My favorite: (Score:5, Funny)
They all get out and catch their breath for a minute.
The manager is first to speak, "Well, let me get my cell phone so I can call the tow truck to take it to the garage."
The hardware engineer says, "No, no, no, just pop the hood and we can fix the problem ourselves."
The software engineer says, "Guys, just wait. Before we do anything we should take it up the hill and see if it happens again!"
Heh.
-David
Well... it's sort of a joke (Score:5, Funny)
Re:Well... it's sort of a joke (Score:5, Funny)
Parent
Re:Well... it's sort of a joke (Score:5, Funny)
(I've pasted in the hyphen, probably illegally.)
I was once asked if I wasn't worried about being wiped out.
I explained that I backup in my driveway every morning.
Parent
Traveling on a train through Scotland (Score:5, Funny)
Suddenly, the businessman points out the window in surprise. "Look at that! The sheep in Scotland are black!"
Amused at how readily his new friend jumps to conclusions, the physicist corrects him: "No, all we can be certain of is that some of the sheep in Scotland are black."
The mathematician looks out the window himself, and corrects the both of them: "We know there exists a sheep in Scotland which is black on at least one side."
For the mathematician in us all (Score:5, Funny)
The physicist steps outside to see the fire along with a bucket and water spigot. He simply fills the bucket with water and pours it on the flames until they go out then returns to bed.
The engineer steps outside to see the fire along with the bucket and water spigot. He meticulously calculates the amount of water needed and the rate of flow to most efficiently and effectively put out the fire. After a few minutes and a couple tests, the fire is extinguished.
The mathematician steps outside and sees the fire. He also notices the bucket and water spigot and exclaims "Their exists a solution" and returns to bed.
Wives versus Mistresses... (Score:4, Funny)
The doctor insisted that, from a health perspective, it was far better to have a wife. He talked about stress, relaxation, routine, and other factors.
The lawyer contended that it was better to have a mistress, because that way you retain more of your legal rights, she doesn't own half your property, and so forth.
The mathematician said that he could see both sides of that argument, but really he thought it was best to have both.
"Both?", the doctor and the lawyer exclaimed. "Why?"
"Sure, both. That way, when the wife thinks you're with the mistress, and the mistress thinks you're with the wife, you can sneak off by yourself and do mathematics."
'; print; s/mathematician/computer geek/; s/mathematics/programming/; print;
Worst calculus joke ever (Score:5, Funny)
"What's wrong?" asks e^x.
"There's a Differential Operator in town!" yells x^2. "If I run into him too many times, I'll disappear!"
"Don't worry," responds e^x. "I'll go have a chat with him. No, don't worry about me -- he can't hurt me. After all, I'm e^x."
So e^x walks down the street to the Differential Operator. "My friend tells me you're a Differential Operator," e^x says pompously. "Well, I'm e^x."
"Pleased to meet you, e^x," says the Differential Operator. "I'm d/dt."
Re:Worst calculus joke ever (Score:4, Funny)
Parent
A mathematician and an engineer.... (Score:5, Interesting)
All of a sudden, they stumble upon Archemides with a canteen full of water! Archemides says "One of you can have this canteen and you'll live, but only if you walk half way to it, stop, walk half way to it, etc., etc.
The mathematic, in anquish, lays his head in his arm and start to cry. "It can't be done" he rages.
The engineer looks at the mathematician in disgust, shrugs his shoulders, walks half way, stops, walks half way, stop, etc., etc. Finally he stops next to it, leans over, picks up the canteen and drinks.
Archemides and the mathematician both are in shock. Archemides exclaims "but how did you do that -- it's impossible!"
Again, the engineer shrugs. "I got close enough for practical purposes!"
Re:A mathematician and an engineer.... (Score:4, Insightful)
Parent
Two Strings Walk Into a Bar (Score:5, Funny)
The first string says, "I think I'll have a beer quag fulk boorg jdk^CjfdLk jk3s d#f67howe%^U r89nvy~~owmc63^Dz x.xvcu"
"Please excuse my friend," the second string says, "He isn't null-terminated."
Difference between civil and mechanical engineers? (Score:5, Funny)
A civil engineer builds targets.
--LWM
Windows / Mac (Score:4, Funny)
Anyway
A group of 4 MS programmers and a group of 4 Apple programmers are going on a train to an expo. The MS programmers buy a ticket each, and then watch the Apple programmers proceed to buy one ticket between them.
The MS programmers are intrigued and when they get on the train, they watch the Apple programmers to see what they do when the guard comes to check the tickets. It turns out that, before the guard comes, they all cram into the toilet. The guard knocks on the door, and asks for the ticket. The guard takes it from under the door, and slides it back.
The MS programmers are all impressed, so on the way back, they buy only one ticket. Only to watch the Apple folks get on the train without buying a ticket at all.
When they get on the train, the MS people cram into the toilet, as they saw the Apple folks on the earlier journey. The Apple programmers then knock on the door, and say "Ticket please". The MS programmers slide the ticket under the door, as they saw the Apple programmers do earlier.
"Thank you", they say. "You steal our methods, but you don't understand them."
Bad.... (Score:4, Funny)
their favorite animal, one could guarantee the health and prosperity
of the offspring conceived thereupon. And so it goes that one Indian
couple made love on a buffalo hide. Nine months later, they were
blessed with a healthy baby son. Yet another couple huddled together
on the hide of a deer and they too were blessed with a very healthy
baby son. But a third couple, whose favorite animal was a hippopotamus,
were blessed with not one, but TWO very healthy baby sons at the conclusion
of the nine month interval. All of which proves the old theorem that:
The sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of
the squaws of the other two hides.
My Favorite Joke (Consultants...) (Score:5, Funny)
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd... "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure." The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM Thinkpad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 130 page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says....... "You have exactly 1586 sheep." "That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car. Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?" "OK, why not." answered the young man. "Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd. "That's correct." says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business.... Now give me back my dog."
3 Engineers discuss God (Score:5, Funny)
The MechE says, "God must be a mechanical engineer! Look at the bones and muscles of the human body! It is a marvelous machine!"
The EE says, "No! God is an electrical engineer. Look at the nervous system. It is a miraculous electrical computing system!."
The CivE says, "You are both wrong. God is a civil engineer. Who else would put a waste facility next to an entertainment complex?"
Putting animations of erect penises in software. (Score:4, Funny)
One time he forgot to take out the animation from some software we had to present to librarians during a librarian's conference. Indeed, nothing was as funny as seeing hundreds of librarians cringe at the sight of such infantile humor.
Heh (Score:5, Funny)
Golf joke: The Doctor, the Priest and the Engineer (Score:5, Funny)
Engineer: What's with these guys? We've been waiting for 15 minutes!
Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!
Priest: Hey, here comes the green keeper. Let's have a word with him. Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?
George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!
Doctor: Wow! Thanks for the scoop George.
Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.
After a short pause
Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
I thought of a better version (Score:4, Funny)
A: You are all deaf.
Parent
Re:Required Star Trek Reference (Score:4, Funny)
Q: What did Spock find in the Enterprise's toilet?
A: The Captain's log.
</4th Grade>
Parent
Re:Here's one (Score:5, Funny)
Next tie please proofread before posting.
Parent