Do Programming Languages Affect Your Sexual Performance?

bLanark asks: "I've used a variety of programming languanges over the years, but recently started using Java commercially (as opposed to just playing at home). As soon as I was on that Java project, I became a rampant stallion, never left my wife alone, sexually. She even started sleeping in the spare room just to get some rest on some nights! Soon, I was back on C++ (due to a budget cut and re-org). I am no longer a stallion (I won't go into more details!). My theory is that java's so easy, so after conquering an API a day (JDOM, Swing,...) I just came home and carried on conquering. Now, I have to work for a living again, and it doesn't leave much energy. Do other slashdotters have similar experience? Is lisp tantric? Do assembler programmers favour wham-bam-that's-the-end-of-that-non-maskable-inter rupt-where's-the-remote-control-honey-can-you-get- me-a-beer? What's the best programming language for attracting sexual partners? What about Operating Systems? Does MS == S&M?" Does C/C++ dampen your love life? Does Perl please your partner? Can you jive with Java? Inquiring minds want to know.

I just like testing...

[mrpuffypants]

my input/output operators occasionally ;)

PHP . . .

[Selanit]

Well, in some circles PHP stands for "Push Harder, Please!"

Everyone knows that Perl

[Dancin_Santa]

Perl makes you hung like a camel.

How many more of these idiotic April 1 jokes do we need to wade through?

Would it make sense to simply forego /. today?

J.A.V.A

[Blackneto]

Juggs
Ass
Vagina
Ass

Pretty much the plot of any porno!

sockets

[upt1me]

I personally like socket programming...

Perl philosophy: "There's more than one way ..."

[Seth Finkelstein]

From the a Perl glossary [perl.org]:

TMTOWTDI
There's More Than One Way To Do It - a major philosophy in the design of Perl. ...

Sig: What Happened To The Censorware Project (censorware.org) [sethf.com]

Re:Everyone knows that Perl

[Emperor Cezar]

If that is true then using Linux would make you be hung like a Pengiun, and I know I'm not hung like a Penguin. :p

Sexual Performance?

[darkov]

What's that? Is it something to with girls? Eeeww!

Smalltalkers are the best lovers.

[crovira]

We make smalltalk and Smaltalk makes us.

Penguin Socks

[Krezel]

One of my friend bought my gf socks with PENGUINS on them because she thought it would spice up our sex life...

She wears them all the time, and we have a lot of sex, so I guess it works!

Preferences

[justletmeinnow]

Well, after a long day at tongue++ I like to come home and give her my Perl...

(leave me alone, I'm tired...)

wait wait wait

[Profe55or Booty]

you're asking slashdot readers about their sex life? *chuckles*

Problems I've had

[Etrigan_696]

Didn't have any problems with my sex life being affected by my programming until, while in college, I learned about recursion. Everything went fine until the bed ran out of stack space and it all fell over.
I figured it was a pointer problem, and it took a while to get it all worked out, but now it's kinda fun.

Everything went fine till my junior year and I started in on concurrent processing. Now I can't tell if it's a hardware limitation that's keeping me from performing more than 4 operations simultaneously, or if it's a problem with the OS...
Most likely that problem is in my firmware. Probably something is flashing my firmware and causing me to reboot.

Maybe during grad school we'll learn about distributed computing....Then I'll need a bigger bed! But I hear it's hard to keep all the process communication under control, because the ports are so busy....

i asked my GF

[rosewood]

I said to her, sweety - I feel like im less of a man. I do not understand programing. I can not write Perl even. She told me it was okay... she still loved me anyways

Once Again ZZTop Has Wisdom To Share

[FrankDrebin]

... she wanna Perl Necklace ...

Re:wait wait wait

[Anonymous Coward]

The sad this is you could generalise the question to
"you're asking slashdot readers?"
and still be chuckling.

ASP & .NET ?

[sh0rtie]

only brings.

ASP
Average Sexual Performance

.NET
.Never Enough Titties

Re:I use Commodore Basic 2.0

[danielrose]

but what is:

POKE 53280,0
POKE 53281,0

?? The true test!

Don't know about you...

[DennyK]

...but spending too much time working in VisualBasic seems to make me BSOD more often. Sometimes I can't even get it to boot up!

;-)

(Sorry, couldn't resist... ;) )

DennyK

Re:Everyone knows that Perl

[dimator]

So what does Python do for you? ;)

brainfuck

[Daltorak]

Feeling masochstic? Try the Brainfuck [muppetlabs.com] language. It's every bit as good as it sounds.

It's all about 64 bit C programming...

[curunir]

chicks dig long pointers...nuff said

Java made me a Virtual Machine

[Bo Vandenberg]

With a little luck I can get loaded and fulfil my commands ANYWHERE! My Girlfriend doesn't like all this objectification, she wants a functional relationship, but I tell her everyone is doing it now.

She's really just insecure because she knows my last girlfriend was into BSD. I've tried to give her some pointers on her bad memory and tell her thats just not the garbage she should be collecting.

The most important Lesson of the Day

[parliboy]

It's not about extensibility -- it's about functionality.

import javax.sex.*;

[sterno]

See the thing is that Sun, being the wise company it is has taken java to a new level by adding the JSAPI (Java Sex API). Some of the new packages include:

• javax.sex.bondage
  
• javax.sex.beastiality
  
• javax.sex.toys
  
• javax.sex.masturbation
  

Fortunately the Java sandbox makes the sex API's perfectly safe. It explicitly blocks execution of the getPregnant() method of the Woman class which is a definite plus. It's this sort of well thought out architecture that really puts Java light years ahead of Microsoft's initatives, despite Microsoft's long history of screwing people.

Lisp?

[Anonymous Coward]

I gueth if you're of the homothexual perthuathion you use lisp?

my fav language and it geth two thnap up!

to quote Johnny 5

[oo7tushar]

nice software

Perhaps a direct correlation can be made between speed of compiled code and sex life. Maybe after Java you need some sp33d/action to liven up your life. Perhaps C++ is such a harsh mistress that you can't handle anymore.

Myself, I'd like to test that theory with any available test subjects. Please, it's for Science.

Sex according to apt

[jordancapps]

sex is probably updatedb; locate blonde; talk; date; cd; strip; look; touch; finger; unzip; uptime; gawk; apt-get install condom; mount; fsck; gasp; more; yes; yes; yes; more; umount; apt-get remove --purge condom; make clean; sleep

Well,

[Anonymous Coward]

My girlfriend appreciates a good TCL every now and then...

Re:OMG, ANOTHER APRIL 1 JOKE?

[CRAssEsT]

i take it you program in C

Actually, I wrote my thesis on this.

[Bowie J. Poag]

Here's the general breakdown for how languages affect sexual performance:

BASIC - Slow, but good for beginners.
COBOL - Tends to make you rigid.
FORTRAN - Almost nobody does it.
ASSEMBLY - Too short, and too fast for most people.
JAVA - It will cause your Object to be extended.
C - Sometimes you just wanna do it for the helluvit.
C# - Dont worry, it'll clear up in a few weeks.
Korn Shell - Quick and dirty.
Perl - Allows you to do it any way you want, anywhere, anytime!

Cheers,

Technical Matters (Shame on you /. )

[MadFarmAnimalz]

The article is sadly biased against the geek culture. I really hope /. refrains in the future from using culturally loaded terminology which no geek will ever have had the opportunity to become familiar. The amount of jargon I had to wade through was simply horrific.

I've put together a few links to help fellow geeks make more sense of the article. Call it a jargon file. Feel free to contribute.

sex [dictionary.com]

girl [dictionary.com]

wife [dictionary.com]

Hope this helps. Try reading the article again now.

Re:Sex according to apt

[kaiidth]

You'd get more variety if you went out first:

cd /pub; find /pub -iname 'blonde'

And you might get more results if you tried the old T-shirt trick

cd /pub; more beer; find /pub -iname '*blonde*'

You can probably ignore the 'talk' command in this case - it won't increase your chances after all that beer.

Shell Programming

[CaptCanuk]

#!/bin/bash
date ; unzip ; strip ; touch ; grep ; finger ; uptime ; head ; mount ; fsck ; more ; yes ; umount ; nice ; sleep; expect; fork

#Sexy programming with words like that

Re:Really lame

[kju]

Oh my god. If you aren't interested in sex, don't try it at home.

Its the 1st of April, time to laugh. You know how to laugh, do you?

Languages of Love

[binaryDigit]

Java
+ Sex is the same no matter who the partner is
- Sex is the same no matter who the partner is

+ Never have to explicitly clean up/no wet spot
- Automatic cleanup can occur at the most inopertune times

+ Easy to get decent sex without years of practice
- Have to go outside your "protective layer" if you want to get down and dirty

+ Quick foreplay, slow execution
- Slow execution, though with underwhelming performance

Re:Penguin Socks

[daeley]

Could have been worse. She could have asked for Penguins with socks on them. ;)

Re:Everyone knows that Perl

[Spy Hunter]

Personally, I think Unix shell programming has perl/python/java/C++ all beat. Just look at the following chain of Unix commands:

unzip; strip; touch; finger; mount; fsck; more; yes; umount; sleep

(note: I didn't make this up, so don't blame me! I think early UNIX geeks had extremely dirty subconscious thoughts...)

Oh my, I misread the title

[LadyLucky]

as

Ask Slashdot: Do Programming Languages Affect Your Sexual Preference?

I thought it was going to turn reeeaaal ugly.

One word

[SkewlD00d]

Int er face.

Doh, your pun's better than mine.

[NanoGator]

That's better than the cum-pile joke I was about to make...

Sheesh!

[Anonymous Coward]

Can the marketing department at Sun stoop any lower?

Re:Technical Matters (Shame on you /. )

[Draoi]

There's an entry for 'sex' in the Jargon File; http://tuxedo.org/jargon/html/entry/SEX.html [tuxedo.org]

SEX /seks/ [Sun Users' Group & elsewhere] n. 1. Software EXchange. A technique invented by the blue-green algae hundreds of millions of years ago to speed up their evolution, which had been terribly slow up until then. Today, SEX parties are popular among hackers and others (of course, these are no longer limited to exchanges of genetic software). In general, SEX parties are a Good Thing, but unprotected SEX can propagate a virus.

And so on ..... :)

Re:Girls

[darkov]

Actually, I think of girls as 3 port routers*. And I like to use the full bandwidth on all ports.

* You have to be Australian to fully get this pun.

Functional languages?

[cookd]

Ideally, you would use a purely functional language to take care of business. However, when you really get down to the heart of things, there it really can't be done. No matter what you try, there are always side effects. No amount of protection is 100% guaranteed.

For this reason, I have to advocate loyalty to your API. Take your time, get to know a few, but don't do the deed until you are ready to commit. Otherwise, the rest of your life will be utterly confusing -- the side effects of previous programmer-OS releationships will come back to haunt you.

You have been warned!

Re:Everyone knows that Perl

[Anonymous Coward]

When I went to college, there was a girl named Teresa Watt who had an account on the RS/6000. My buddy Rob had tears in his eyes when he showed me that you can actually "finger twatt".

Re:Everyone knows that Perl

[WhiteKnight07]

If your looking for a good April fools joke check this one [google.com] out.

You're Talking Way Too High-Level...

[jejones]

Everyone knows that it's 6809 assembly language programmers who have SEX.

Re: 2 Girls (from experience)

[Suburban nmate]

Speaking from experience, if one or both routers are unable to handle 100% of your bandwidth, its best to alternate, therefore sharing the load, and leaving both properly saturated, swapping when you recieve an ICMP Source Quench Error.

If you can get full bandwidth into one, constantly, then the other can be taken offline for servicing (cleaning out, diagnostics, supervised self-test, etc...).

If you've broadcast all your data, you can just lie back and watch them synchronise. Most satisfying. :) Ali

Re:Girls

[darkov]

You're correct. The reason Australians say "rowter" is that it's not really possible to pronounce it "rooter" in polite company. They may as well have called it a "fucker". So we call it as the Armericans do. Of course, the pun still works, it's just a little more hidden.

Re:Penguin Socks

[The-Bus]

Could be worse... his friend could be having sex with the gf... ;)

Re:Really lame

[Beliskner]

Besides this kindof humour is basically immature teenage male "I'm a virgin and really want to find anyone remotely female to shag" humour

Oh.... my... God... How do you know so much about us? You must be a CIA agent monitoring us, you are the Indymedia spy... We've found you agent 17, you've blown your cover, your licence to kill is revoked.

Re:Penguin Socks

[jonasj]

Could have been worse... the gf could be having sex with the pengu... uhm, never mind.

OO...

[Anonymous Canadian]

My wife believes in Object Oriented sex. She objects every time I bring it up.

Re:import javax.sex.*;

[Tackhead]

> See the thing is that Sun, being the wise company it is has taken java to a new level by adding the JSAPI (Java Sex API). Some of the new packages include:
>
>javax.sex.bondage
>javax.sex.[...]

Java? Pshaw! We had that during the golden age of USENET, and didn't need no steenking packages!

The obvious:

• alt.sex.bondage.sco.unix
• alt.sex.bondage.female-admins.nntp
• alt.sex.bondage.particle.physics
• alt.sex.bestiality.barney
• alt.sex.bestiality.hamster.duct-tape
• alt.sex.sheep.baaa.baa.baa.moo

Because some old servers evidently couldn't just mdir "foo/bar/baz", they had to "mkdir foo", "cd foo; foo/bar", and "cd bar; mkdir baz" when creating a directory from a news spool, countless freshmen started their USENET careers being asked if they wanted to subscribe to...

• alt.sex
• alt.sex.aluminum
• alt.sex.aluminum.baseball
• alt.sex.aluminum.baseball.bat

My faves were from earlier censorship efforts. (IIRC, some of these were originally used when university administrators cut off alt.sex - the affected people posted to alt.sex.[subgroup] and crossposted to alt.sex to get propagation.)

• alt.sex.fetish.cost.benefit.analysis
• alt.sex.fetish.head-librarian
• alt.sex.prevost-derbecker
• alt.sex.senator-exon
• alt.sex.unnatural-acts.jesse-helms

There's a lot of history in a list of old newsgroups. (Ah, the series of newsgroups containing strings of dashes and asterisks to spell a message in ASCII-art in your .newsrc - now that was genius. Sick, twisted genius, but genius nonetheless...)

Re:Sex according to apt

[Tackhead]

> sex is probably updatedb; locate blonde; talk; date; cd; strip; look; touch; finger; unzip; uptime; gawk; apt-get install condom; mount; fsck; gasp; more; yes; yes; yes; more; umount; apt-get remove --purge condom; make clean; sleep

Hey, whatever floats your boat is OK for you, but I'll skip the "cd" step. I'm only targeting one platform and not into the cross-compiler scene ;-)

Re:Perl philosophy: "There's more than one way ...

[alanh]

In my experience, it's more accurately written as:

TMTOWTDIW

There's more than one way to do it wrong.

I'm... fully functional

[Aaaaaargh!]

I've never gotten as much head() and tail() as when I program in Lisp or SML. You procedural guys just don't understand the give and take: sometimes you get the head, other times you have to eat the tail. Some people say Lisp and SML are too strict. If you're just looking for a good time, I'd recommend Miranda...

Re:Everyone knows that Perl

[Palarran]

Sophmoric, but a logical extension...

After fingering twatt, she'll tell you what her .plan is for the evening?

Re:Oh my, I misread the title

[Linux_ho]

Actually, that's why the religious right have been pushing to remove LISP from the CS curriculum of public universities.

Re:Girls

[DemiKnute]

Gee, I guess I shouldn't wear my "Got Root?" tshirt when I go down there, eh?

here's why we need better CS schooling...

[denshi]

Didn't have any problems with my sex life being affected by my programming until, while in college, I learned about recursion. Everything went fine until the bed ran out of stack space and it all fell over.

Silly luser! You should be using tail recursion [ic.ac.uk] to convert your funcalls to have O(1) space requirements.

As for me, I tried a lot of continuations after leaving college, but grew disenchanted because you could never be sure if they were GC'ed or if you would be interrupted at an inopportune time....

Re:Everyone knows that Perl

[brarrr]

where i go to school they take the first letter of the first name and the first 7 letters of the last name to make user accts. simple? ashley baldassi has a most excellent email address.