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Do Programming Languages Affect Your Sexual Performance? 579

Posted by Cliff
from the object-oriented dept.
bLanark asks: "I've used a variety of programming languanges over the years, but recently started using Java commercially (as opposed to just playing at home). As soon as I was on that Java project, I became a rampant stallion, never left my wife alone, sexually. She even started sleeping in the spare room just to get some rest on some nights! Soon, I was back on C++ (due to a budget cut and re-org). I am no longer a stallion (I won't go into more details!). My theory is that java's so easy, so after conquering an API a day (JDOM, Swing,...) I just came home and carried on conquering. Now, I have to work for a living again, and it doesn't leave much energy. Do other slashdotters have similar experience? Is lisp tantric? Do assembler programmers favour wham-bam-that's-the-end-of-that-non-maskable-inter rupt-where's-the-remote-control-honey-can-you-get- me-a-beer? What's the best programming language for attracting sexual partners? What about Operating Systems? Does MS == S&M?" Does C/C++ dampen your love life? Does Perl please your partner? Can you jive with Java? Inquiring minds want to know.
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Do Programming Languages Affect Your Sexual Performance?

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  • my input/output operators occasionally ;)
  • PHP . . . (Score:2, Funny)

    by Selanit (192811)
    Well, in some circles PHP stands for "Push Harder, Please!"
    • PHP is so easy to setup and use, and simultaneously quite powerful, that I often find myself spent before I can make it to the bedroom! :)

      PHP: Helping Developers World-wide Cream Their Shorts.

  • by Dancin_Santa (265275) <DancinSanta@gmail.com> on Monday April 01, 2002 @02:56AM (#3264465) Journal
    Perl makes you hung like a camel.

    How many more of these idiotic April 1 jokes do we need to wade through?

    Would it make sense to simply forego /. today?
  • sockets (Score:3, Funny)

    by upt1me (537466) on Monday April 01, 2002 @02:58AM (#3264483) Homepage
    I personally like socket programming...
  • From the a Perl glossary [perl.org]:

    TMTOWTDI
    There's More Than One Way To Do It - a major philosophy in the design of Perl. ...

    Sig: What Happened To The Censorware Project (censorware.org) [sethf.com]

  • by darkov (261309) on Monday April 01, 2002 @03:00AM (#3264501)
    What's that? Is it something to with girls? Eeeww!
    • You dont HAVE to have a girl there to have sexual performance. Some buys prefer Visual Basic because a good deal of it is mouse driven. That means they have a hand free. I bet those guys have improved sexual performance then!

  • by crovira (10242) on Monday April 01, 2002 @03:00AM (#3264503) Homepage
    We make smalltalk and Smaltalk makes us.
  • by Krezel (91860)
    One of my friend bought my gf socks with PENGUINS on them because she thought it would spice up our sex life...

    She wears them all the time, and we have a lot of sex, so I guess it works!
  • Well, after a long day at tongue++ I like to come home and give her my Perl...

    (leave me alone, I'm tired...)

  • by Profe55or Booty (540761) <greg.pcrash@cjb@net> on Monday April 01, 2002 @03:03AM (#3264515) Homepage
    you're asking slashdot readers about their sex life? *chuckles*
    • by Anonymous Coward
      The sad this is you could generalise the question to
      "you're asking slashdot readers?"
      and still be chuckling.
  • by Etrigan_696 (192479) on Monday April 01, 2002 @03:04AM (#3264521)
    Didn't have any problems with my sex life being affected by my programming until, while in college, I learned about recursion. Everything went fine until the bed ran out of stack space and it all fell over.
    I figured it was a pointer problem, and it took a while to get it all worked out, but now it's kinda fun.

    Everything went fine till my junior year and I started in on concurrent processing. Now I can't tell if it's a hardware limitation that's keeping me from performing more than 4 operations simultaneously, or if it's a problem with the OS...
    Most likely that problem is in my firmware. Probably something is flashing my firmware and causing me to reboot.

    Maybe during grad school we'll learn about distributed computing....Then I'll need a bigger bed! But I hear it's hard to keep all the process communication under control, because the ports are so busy....
    • Didn't have any problems with my sex life being affected by my programming until, while in college, I learned about recursion. Everything went fine until the bed ran out of stack space and it all fell over.
      Silly luser! You should be using tail recursion [ic.ac.uk] to convert your funcalls to have O(1) space requirements.

      As for me, I tried a lot of continuations after leaving college, but grew disenchanted because you could never be sure if they were GC'ed or if you would be interrupted at an inopportune time....

  • by rosewood (99925) <rosewood AT chat DOT ru> on Monday April 01, 2002 @03:04AM (#3264524) Homepage Journal
    I said to her, sweety - I feel like im less of a man. I do not understand programing. I can not write Perl even. She told me it was okay... she still loved me anyways
  • by FrankDrebin (238464) on Monday April 01, 2002 @03:05AM (#3264533) Homepage

    ... she wanna Perl Necklace ...

  • by sh0rtie (455432) on Monday April 01, 2002 @03:08AM (#3264547)


    only brings.

    ASP
    Average Sexual Performance

    .NET
    .Never Enough Titties
  • by DennyK (308810) on Monday April 01, 2002 @03:09AM (#3264551)
    ...but spending too much time working in VisualBasic seems to make me BSOD more often. Sometimes I can't even get it to boot up!

    ;-)

    (Sorry, couldn't resist... ;) )

    DennyK

  • brainfuck (Score:2, Funny)

    by Daltorak (122403)
    Feeling masochstic? Try the Brainfuck [muppetlabs.com] language. It's every bit as good as it sounds.
  • by curunir (98273) on Monday April 01, 2002 @03:16AM (#3264585) Homepage Journal
    chicks dig long pointers...nuff said
  • by Bo Vandenberg (247590) on Monday April 01, 2002 @03:16AM (#3264587)
    With a little luck I can get loaded and fulfil my commands ANYWHERE! My Girlfriend doesn't like all this objectification, she wants a functional relationship, but I tell her everyone is doing it now.

    She's really just insecure because she knows my last girlfriend was into BSD. I've tried to give her some pointers on her bad memory and tell her thats just not the garbage she should be collecting.
  • by parliboy (233658) <parliboy.gmail@com> on Monday April 01, 2002 @03:16AM (#3264588) Homepage
    It's not about extensibility -- it's about functionality.
  • by sterno (16320) on Monday April 01, 2002 @03:34AM (#3264596) Homepage
    See the thing is that Sun, being the wise company it is has taken java to a new level by adding the JSAPI (Java Sex API). Some of the new packages include:
    • javax.sex.bondage
    • javax.sex.beastiality
    • javax.sex.toys
    • javax.sex.masturbation

    Fortunately the Java sandbox makes the sex API's perfectly safe. It explicitly blocks execution of the getPregnant() method of the Woman class which is a definite plus. It's this sort of well thought out architecture that really puts Java light years ahead of Microsoft's initatives, despite Microsoft's long history of screwing people.
    • by burtonator (70115)
      you joke...

      but there already is a JSAPI [sun.com]
    • > See the thing is that Sun, being the wise company it is has taken java to a new level by adding the JSAPI (Java Sex API). Some of the new packages include:
      >
      >javax.sex.bondage
      >javax.sex.[...]

      Java? Pshaw! We had that during the golden age of USENET, and didn't need no steenking packages!

      The obvious:

      • alt.sex.bondage.sco.unix
      • alt.sex.bondage.female-admins.nntp
      • alt.sex.bondage.particle.physics
      • alt.sex.bestiality.barney
      • alt.sex.bestiality.hamster.duct-tape
      • alt.sex.sheep.baaa.baa.baa.moo
      Because some old servers evidently couldn't just mdir "foo/bar/baz", they had to "mkdir foo", "cd foo; foo/bar", and "cd bar; mkdir baz" when creating a directory from a news spool, countless freshmen started their USENET careers being asked if they wanted to subscribe to...
      • alt.sex
      • alt.sex.aluminum
      • alt.sex.aluminum.baseball
      • alt.sex.aluminum.baseball.bat
      My faves were from earlier censorship efforts. (IIRC, some of these were originally used when university administrators cut off alt.sex - the affected people posted to alt.sex.[subgroup] and crossposted to alt.sex to get propagation.)
      • alt.sex.fetish.cost.benefit.analysis
      • alt.sex.fetish.head-librarian
      • alt.sex.prevost-derbecker
      • alt.sex.senator-exon
      • alt.sex.unnatural-acts.jesse-helms
      There's a lot of history in a list of old newsgroups. (Ah, the series of newsgroups containing strings of dashes and asterisks to spell a message in ASCII-art in your .newsrc - now that was genius. Sick, twisted genius, but genius nonetheless...)
    • So... this is how they implement those embedded internet enabled applications for tele-dildonics.

  • by oo7tushar (311912) <slash.@tushar.cx> on Monday April 01, 2002 @03:40AM (#3264606) Homepage
    nice software

    Perhaps a direct correlation can be made between speed of compiled code and sex life. Maybe after Java you need some sp33d/action to liven up your life. Perhaps C++ is such a harsh mistress that you can't handle anymore.

    Myself, I'd like to test that theory with any available test subjects. Please, it's for Science.

  • by jordancapps (532809) on Monday April 01, 2002 @03:41AM (#3264608)
    sex is probably updatedb; locate blonde; talk; date; cd; strip; look; touch; finger; unzip; uptime; gawk; apt-get install condom; mount; fsck; gasp; more; yes; yes; yes; more; umount; apt-get remove --purge condom; make clean; sleep
    • You'd get more variety if you went out first:

      cd /pub; find /pub -iname 'blonde'

      And you might get more results if you tried the old T-shirt trick

      cd /pub; more beer; find /pub -iname '*blonde*'

      You can probably ignore the 'talk' command in this case - it won't increase your chances after all that beer.
    • > sex is probably updatedb; locate blonde; talk; date; cd; strip; look; touch; finger; unzip; uptime; gawk; apt-get install condom; mount; fsck; gasp; more; yes; yes; yes; more; umount; apt-get remove --purge condom; make clean; sleep

      Hey, whatever floats your boat is OK for you, but I'll skip the "cd" step. I'm only targeting one platform and not into the cross-compiler scene ;-)

  • Losers. (Score:3, Informative)

    by bentini (161979) on Monday April 01, 2002 @03:41AM (#3264610)
    While y'all are fooling around with java...
    I went the original root. I've been playing with self.
    J/K. We al know that functional language users are so well hung that sometimes they have to use a lisp.
  • do it on the bare er.. metal :)
  • by Bowie J. Poag (16898) on Monday April 01, 2002 @03:51AM (#3264636) Homepage


    Here's the general breakdown for how languages affect sexual performance:

    BASIC - Slow, but good for beginners.
    COBOL - Tends to make you rigid.
    FORTRAN - Almost nobody does it.
    ASSEMBLY - Too short, and too fast for most people.
    JAVA - It will cause your Object to be extended.
    C - Sometimes you just wanna do it for the helluvit.
    C# - Dont worry, it'll clear up in a few weeks.
    Korn Shell - Quick and dirty.
    Perl - Allows you to do it any way you want, anywhere, anytime!

    Cheers,

  • The Jargon File... (Score:3, Informative)

    by kubrick (27291) on Monday April 01, 2002 @04:01AM (#3264668)
    has something to say on this matter:

    bondage-and-discipline language n. [tuxedo.org]

  • by MadFarmAnimalz (460972) on Monday April 01, 2002 @04:05AM (#3264676) Homepage
    The article is sadly biased against the geek culture. I really hope /. refrains in the future from using culturally loaded terminology which no geek will ever have had the opportunity to become familiar. The amount of jargon I had to wade through was simply horrific.

    I've put together a few links to help fellow geeks make more sense of the article. Call it a jargon file. Feel free to contribute.

    sex [dictionary.com]

    girl [dictionary.com]

    wife [dictionary.com]

    Hope this helps. Try reading the article again now.
  • I don't know for certain, but the fact that I program in a dozen languages probably explains my polyamory.
  • by CaptCanuk (245649) on Monday April 01, 2002 @04:19AM (#3264702) Journal
    #!/bin/bash
    date ; unzip ; strip ; touch ; grep ; finger ; uptime ; head ; mount ; fsck ; more ; yes ; umount ; nice ; sleep; expect; fork

    #Sexy programming with words like that

  • by binaryDigit (557647) on Monday April 01, 2002 @04:28AM (#3264714)
    Java
    + Sex is the same no matter who the partner is
    - Sex is the same no matter who the partner is

    + Never have to explicitly clean up/no wet spot
    - Automatic cleanup can occur at the most inopertune times

    + Easy to get decent sex without years of practice
    - Have to go outside your "protective layer" if you want to get down and dirty

    + Quick foreplay, slow execution
    - Slow execution, though with underwhelming performance

  • by LadyLucky (546115) on Monday April 01, 2002 @04:38AM (#3264737) Homepage
    as

    Ask Slashdot: Do Programming Languages Affect Your Sexual Preference?

    I thought it was going to turn reeeaaal ugly.

  • I also find myself having sex more often when coding Java for a living. That's primarily because Java leaves me rather ... unsatisfied. OTOH, C++ is better than sex, once you get everything working just right.

    Perl is great for quickies. Python is great for quickies where you don't want to experiment too much. OCaml is great for fetishists. FORTH is perfect for masochists. And of course, then there's playing with LaTeX. Pity the poor Visual Basic programmer .. that's got to be like masturbating in the shower.

    Maybe we geeks should be happy just to make it at all.

    • > I also find myself having sex more often when coding Java for a living. That's primarily because Java leaves me rather ... unsatisfied. OTOH, C++ is better than sex, once you get everything working just right.
      >
      > Perl is great for quickies. Python is great for quickies where you don't want to experiment too much. OCaml is great for fetishists. FORTH is perfect for masochists. And of course, then there's playing with LaTeX. Pity the poor Visual Basic programmer .. that's got to be like masturbating in the shower.
      >
      >Maybe we geeks should be happy just to make it at all.

      Only one thing to add - you forgot one language: APL is for those 16-orificed critters from Proxima Centauri ;-)

  • And now the trolls are posting stories.

    --Blair
  • One word (Score:3, Funny)

    by SkewlD00d (314017) on Monday April 01, 2002 @04:53AM (#3264770)
    Int er face.
  • .. now we're going to hear a bunch of people claiming to have sex on a regular basis.

    Listen: No matter how many times you've done it, you have to have had a PARTNER to claim you're an expert on it, k?
  • When it comes to software, if size really mattered, Microsoft would have a mon... Nevermind. :)

    Well this one had to be done sooner or later. Apologies if it's already been done, gf kept me up all night. (sex, and cos I can't sleep with only half a duvet.)

  • Sheesh! (Score:4, Funny)

    by Anonymous Coward on Monday April 01, 2002 @05:16AM (#3264822)
    Can the marketing department at Sun stoop any lower?
  • If you have emacs installed do the following on the command line
    man $(locate condom)
    This is one of those things that proves emacs really is a great OS because it can supply all our needs.
  • Ideally, you would use a purely functional language to take care of business. However, when you really get down to the heart of things, there it really can't be done. No matter what you try, there are always side effects. No amount of protection is 100% guaranteed.

    For this reason, I have to advocate loyalty to your API. Take your time, get to know a few, but don't do the deed until you are ready to commit. Otherwise, the rest of your life will be utterly confusing -- the side effects of previous programmer-OS releationships will come back to haunt you.

    You have been warned!
  • This is probably one of the famous /. april 1st jokes but it does make sense to a degree. It probably was/is not the languages that he was programming but it was what he was programming. In the C++ world, he was doing the 8-10hrs/day coding where when he was doing the java he was doing 8-10hrs/day of conquring something new. Once he mastered all the APIs and the actual coding becomes a little more standard for him, then the sex drive would go to.

    I am far from an expert but I feel much better as a person (happier, energetic, etc) when I get do to things that extend my mind or chanllege me. Doing the "punch-the-clock and work at my desk" crap does nothing for the geek. But trying to get Your linux box to administrer the Win2k/XP boxes without having admin rights (and being able to do it) is more geeker and more interesting to the local geek.

    But your opinions may very...
  • Sorry, but this got to be a April fools story...
  • by jejones (115979) on Monday April 01, 2002 @07:03AM (#3264971) Journal
    Everyone knows that it's 6809 assembly language programmers who have SEX.
  • In CLOS, a GF supports multiple methods with fast dispatch times, and you can use them without having to go through the whole bondage-and-discipline routine forced on you by other "high level" programming languages like C++. And don't get me started on "before", "after", and "around" methods or garbage collection. Needless to say, GFs are pretty sweet.

  • I program in PHP [phpconsulting.com]. I have four children. I've been more productive programming in PHP than any other language. Ask my wife... :)


  • Do I get more karma when I detect the obvious, hilarious, APRIL FOOLS ARTICLE IN SLASHDOT?

    AM I THE FIRST?

    GIMME SOME CAAAAANDY!
  • Punch card coderse do it real slowly and in as many holes as possible.
  • OO... (Score:3, Funny)

    by Anonymous Canadian (165757) <{rick} {at} {rickharris.org}> on Monday April 01, 2002 @10:48AM (#3265409)


    My wife believes in Object Oriented sex. She objects every time I bring it up.

  • by Tom7 (102298)
    All I know is that perl programmers tend to be greasy and undershowered.
    I don't think that helps much in bed...
  • by booch (4157) <slashdot2010@NOsPam.craigbuchek.com> on Monday April 01, 2002 @11:52AM (#3265681) Homepage
    I think the quality of your sex life depends more on the interfaces you choose to use than the language you choose to use.
  • I've never gotten as much head() and tail() as when I program in Lisp or SML. You procedural guys just don't understand the give and take: sometimes you get the head, other times you have to eat the tail. Some people say Lisp and SML are too strict. If you're just looking for a good time, I'd recommend Miranda...
  • C programmers... (Score:3, Insightful)

    by wedg (145806) on Monday April 01, 2002 @01:33PM (#3266229) Homepage Journal
    ...are probably so complex and obfuscated that their partners are so confused they don't know where to begin, much less what to actually do. Without written instructions, that is. :)

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