What is Your Best Tech Joke? 606
3770 asks: "There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand binary numbers and those who don't. -- OK, I'm having a slow day at work. What is your favorite techie joke? I'm asking you! Make me laugh!"
On the topic of funny tech jokes... (Score:5, Funny)
http://chroniclesofgeorge.nanc.com/ [nanc.com]
enjoy!
My version (Score:5, Funny)
For some reason people don't get it...
Programmers & holidays (Score:5, Funny)
Why is it that programmers always confuse Halloween with Christmas?
Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.
Comment removed (Score:5, Funny)
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? (Score:5, Funny)
A lawyer, a doctor and a computer engineer... (Score:5, Funny)
The car speeds around a corner, slips, smashes through the highway barrier, and flies down a cliff.
By some miracle, the 3 people survived.
The doctor immediately said: "We need to make sure that everyone is ok. Any bones broken?"
The lawyer said: "We need to find out who built that defective road and sue them!"
The engineer said: "Hold on, just wait a minute. Don't jump to conclusions. What we gotta do is push the car back up the hill and see if this happens again."
My Favorite (Score:1, Funny)
Not really much of a geek joke, but.... (Score:3, Funny)
Hi-Tech Coasters - Free!
This is a special, limited offer for free hi-tech coasters to place your cups and mugs upon.
Sized and shaped exactly like 3 1/2" high density disks, these durable plastic coasters will provide years of service while keeping your hardwood furniture free of those nasty rings of dried soda and coffee. Order several to leave around the house - for the living room, next to the computer, etc. Coasters can be custom printed with the word "Macintosh" or "Windows" to suit your individual preferences.
Flash! For extra-large mugs, we now provide coasters that are the exact size and shape as CD-ROM's! Be the first on the block to put your mug down on the hippest coaster today!
For your free coaster, call America Online today at (800) 445-6622. Order now!
Not a joke, but funny... (Score:5, Funny)
WRITE IN C
(sung to The Beatles "Let it Be")
When I find my code in tons of trouble, Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom: "Write in C."
As the deadline fast approaches, And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers "Write in C."
Write in C, write in C, Write in C, write in C.
LISP is dead and buried,
Write in C.
I used to write a lot of FORTRAN, for science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics! Write in C.
If you've just spent nearly 30 hours Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to Write in C.
Write in C, write in C, Write In C, yeah, write in C.
Only wimps use BASIC. Write in C.
Write in C, write in C, Write in C, oh, write in C.
Pascal won't quite cut it. Write in C.
Guitar Solo
Write in C, write in C, Write in C, yeah, write in C.
Don't even mention COBOL. Write in C.
And when the screen is fuzzy, And the editor is bugging me.
I'm sick of ones and zeroes. Write in C.
A thousand people people swear that T.P.
Seven is the one for me.
I hate the word PROCEDURE, Write in C.
Write in C, write in C, Write in C, yeah, write in C.
PL1 is 80's, Write in C.
Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, yeah, write in C.
The government loves ADA,
Write in C.
Not so much 'techie', as 'science' jokes: (Score:5, Funny)
"I think I've just lost an electron!"
"Are you certain?" the other replies.
"Yes! I'm positive!"
and a science/sporting one:
Q: How much force does it take to stop a propeller?
A: About half a Newton.
What's your best tech joke? (Score:1, Funny)
Why, that's easy: Microsoft!
A bit of silliness in C (Score:3, Funny)
{
beat(horse);
}
An Engineer, a Mathematician, and a Physicist... (Score:5, Funny)
The engineer goes first. She builds a circular fence about 100m in diameter, and states that her design is the most efficient under the conditions stated.
With much handwaving, the Physicist proposes to build a fence around the equator of the earth, as the curvature of the 2D surface of the earth in 3D will enable more area to be enclosed per unit of perimeter. His design is thrown out for lack of practicality.
By this time, the Mathematician has finished thinking. The Engineer and the Physicist follow him to the very back of the Texan's property. He takes 4 short sections of fence, builds a tiny fence around himself, and says...
"I declare myself to be on the outside."
This is probably not the best one (Score:5, Funny)
I got a email from a stubborn and clueless tech consultant who insisted on adding '... and creation date < system date' in the SQL query.
I calmly explained to her that 'creation date < system date' always holds true, unless, of course, the user could go to future and create a case there.
She doesn't seem to get the joke, and today I got a email, cc to my and her bosses, saying that we must 'creation date < system date' so that we would not miss those cases created 'in the future'....and she dare quote me on that!
You will pay (Score:3, Funny)
-
You will pay for your sins!
If you have already paid, please disregard this message.
-
Be aloof, there's been a sudden population explosion of lerts.
-
A chicken, a bear, and a programmer walked into a bar. And the bartender said, "What is this, a joke?"
-
Re:A bit of silliness in C (Score:5, Funny)
while ( horse == dead ) { beat(horse); }
Or, in Soviet Russia:
while ( dead == horse ) { horse.beat(YOU); }
Mo Yo Momma (Score:5, Funny)
A real memo, you might have heard it before (Score:2, Funny)
Microsoft Antitrust Trial Decision (Score:4, Funny)
Re:Yo Momma! (Score:4, Funny)
not quite CS... (Score:5, Funny)
The Biologist concludes, "They're mating!"
The Statician says, "No, no, no - The measurement wasn't accurate."
The Mathematician says, "If someone else goes in, it'll be empty."
And mine (Score:5, Funny)
Real Programmers ... (Score:1, Funny)
Don't use Cobol. Cobol is for wimpy applications programmers.
Don't use Fortran. Fortran is for wimpy engineers who wear white socks, pipe stress freaks, and crystallography weenies. They get excited over finite state analysis and nuclear reactor simulation.
Don't use PL/I. Pl/I is for insecure momma's boys who can't choose between Cobol and Fortran.
Don't use APL, unless the whole program can be written on one line.
Don't use LISP. Only effeminate progammers use more parentheses than actual code.
Don't use Pascal, Bliss, ADA or any of those sissy-pinko computer science languages. Strong typing is a crutch for people with weak memories.
Don't eat quiche. Real programmers don't even know how to spell quiche.They like Twinkies, Old Coke, palate-scorching Szechwan food, and Tacos.
Don't write applications programs. They program right down to the bare metal. Application programs are for dullards who can't do systems programming.
Don't write specs. Users should be grateful for whatever they get. They are lucky to get any program at all.
Don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand and even harder to modify, and impossible to use.
Don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much it did for them.
Don't read manuals. Reliance on a reference is a hallmark of the novice and a coward.
Never work 9 to 5. If any real programmers are around at 9 a.m. it's because they were up all night.
Don't play tennis, or any other sport which requires a change of clothes. Mountain climbing is ok, and real programmers often wear climbing boots to work, in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine room.
Disdain structured programming. Structured programming is for compulsive, prematurely toilet-trained neurotics, who wear neckties and carefully line up sharpened pencils on an otherwise uncluttered desk.
Don't like the team programming concept. Unless of course, they are the Chief Programmer.
Have no use for managers. Managers are a necessary evil. Managers are for dealing with personnel bozos, bean counters, senior planners and other mental defectives.
Scorn floating point arithmetic. The decimal point was invented for pansy bedwetters who are unable to "think big".
Don't drive clapped-out Mavericks. they prefer BMWs, Lincolns or pick-up trucks with floor shifts. Fast motorcycles are highly regarded.
Don't believe in schedules. Planners make up schedules. Managers "firm up" schedules. Frightened coders strive to meet schedules. Real programmers ignore schedules.
Like vending machine popcorn. Coders pop it in the microwave oven. Real programmers use the heat given off by the cpu.
Favourite Oxymoron (Score:2, Funny)
How many programmers does it take to change. . . (Score:1, Funny)
None : That's a hardware problem.
A BBS goodie (Score:5, Funny)
Stupid dog, quit chewing on the phone line*&&^_&$#6k
NO TERRIER
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer... (Score:5, Funny)
"What a sad way to spend one's life," said the priest. "I will say a prayer for them."
"I have a good friend that is an eye surgeon," said the doctor, "maybe I could get them some help."
The engineer thought for a second, "Why don't these guys play at night?"
Object Oriented Jedi (Score:1, Funny)
psych expirement (Score:5, Funny)
They start with an engineer. The engineer grabs the bucket, runs to the sink, fills it with water and throw it on the fire which promptly goes out.
Next up was a physicist. The physicist whips out his slide rule, does some quick calculations, take the bucket over to the sink, fills it and throws it on the fire. The fire goes out exponentially.
Then they let an applied mathematician try it. The Amath guy fills bucket, sets it down next to the fire and leaves. Astonished, the psychologists ask why he didn't put the fire out. The Amath guy repplied that he had reduced it to an already solved problem.
Last up was a mathematician. The mathematician looked at the fire. Then he walked over and looked at the bucket. Then he walked over to the sink, looked at it, and nodded. He then left the room. The psychologists were completely baffeled by this and asked the mathematician about his behavior. "Simple," he replied. "I just proved that a solution existed."
Great engineering humor (Score:5, Funny)
"The Knack" [iastate.edu]
Doctor: "It's worse than I feared."
Mother: "What is it?"
Doctor: "I'm afraid your son has
Mother: "The knack?"
Doctor: "The Knack. It's a rare condition characterized by an extreme intuition about all things mechanical and electrical
Mother: "Can he lead a normal life?"
Doctor: "No. He'll be an engineer."
Mother: "Oh, no! [crying]"
Doctor: "There, there. Don't blame yourself."
Here goes... (Score:5, Funny)
"Computers are like air conditioners: they stop working properly when you open windows."
Instead of jokes, I fight with quotes! (Score:5, Funny)
tenth century A.D., and lasted until about 1957, when FORTRAN abandoned the
practice."
"Windows 98 has detected that the mouse has moved.
Please restart your computer for these changes to take effect."
Gates' Law: Every 18 months, the speed of software halves.
My pid is Inigo Montoya. You kill -9 my parent process. Prepare to vi.
So what part of rpm, linuxconf, chkconfig and make xconfig do you not understand?
"Press any key if you wish to return to Windows or Control-Alt-Delete if you
wish to close it and reboot. After that action, scream at the top of your
lungs as your computer fails to respond to either of those actions."
- The Truthful Windows BSOD
Unix IS user-friendly, it just chooses its friends very carefully.
"Be consistent."
- Larry Wall in the perl man page
"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour.
Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S
relativity."
Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon loaded with reels of tape.
Any attempt to brew coffee with a teapot should result in the error
code "418 I'm a teapot". The resulting entity body MAY be short and stout.
- RFC 2324
"I'm not interrupting you, I'm putting our conversation in full-duplex mode."
- Antone Roundy
The three triangles of the Berlin logo stands for the tripod upon
which Berlin rests: Courage, Honour, and Frozen Pizza.
X windows:
Accept any substitute.
If it's broke, don't fix it.
If it ain't broke, fix it.
Form follows malfunction.
The Cutting Edge of Obsolescence.
The trailing edge of software technology.
Armageddon never looked so good.
Japan's secret weapon.
You'll envy the dead.
Making the world safe for competing window systems.
Let it get in YOUR way.
The problem for your problem.
If it starts working, we'll fix it. Pronto.
It could be worse, but it'll take time.
Simplicity made complex.
The greatest productivity aid since typhoid.
Flakey and built to stay that way.
Strangers have the best candy.
- t-shirt seen at DefCon 8.0
"Perl is Internet Yiddish."
- Yoz Graehme
"And don't tell me there isn't one bit of difference between null and space,
because that's exactly how much difference there is."
- Larry Wall
"I *made up* the term 'object-oriented,' and I can tell you I did *not*
have C++ in mind."
- Alan Kay, one of the inventors/designers of Smalltalk.
A computer without a Microsoft operating system is like a dog without bricks tied to its head.
Cross platform apps are like unisex underwear.
Classic Joke... (Score:5, Funny)
The physicist interrupted him: "...but you didn't take individual variations into account. I did a statistical analysis of their previous performances and bet on the horses with the highest probability of winning..."
"...so if you're so hot why are you broke?" asked the engineer. But before the argument can grow, the mathematician takes out his pipe and they get a glimpse of his well-fattened wallet. Obviously here was a man who knows something about horses. They both demanded to know his secret.
"Well," he says, between puffs on the pipe, "first I assumed all the horses were identical and spherical..."
Good grief (Score:4, Funny)
2 strings walk into a bar (Score:5, Funny)
Rinkworks! (Score:4, Funny)
Oh, and any idle speculators care to guess how many "funny" meta-mods we'll be seeing for the next few weeks? I'm betting at least half...
Indeterministically funny (Score:5, Funny)
Policeman: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
Heisenberg: No, but I know exactly where I am.
A few of my favorite things... (Score:5, Funny)
Timesheet Honesty
A promising young NASA aerospace engineer was killed in a horrific car accident and arrived in Heaven, protesting to St. Peter at the pearly gates. "St. Peter, I'm only 35. I'm much too young to die. I have a wonderful wife and family, so much to live for. Why in the world am I here?"
St. Peter looked through a huge stack of papers, looked over the top of his glasses and said, "Well, according to all of these hours on your time sheets, you've got to be at least 108."
And my favorite one-liner:
"Engineers aren't boring people; we just get excited over boring things."
-- Anon.
You can find more at the link above, and (SHAMELESS PLUG) at in the random quotes on the homepage of my site: www.hollinger.net
Re:not quite CS... (Score:5, Funny)
They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please". The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea.
So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant."Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer. When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding.
He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please".
Favorite tech catch-all: (Score:2, Funny)
Re:My version (Score:5, Funny)
Math jokes (Score:3, Funny)
Q: What's purple and commutes?
A: An abelian grape
Q: What's yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice?
A: Zorn's Lemon. [wolfram.com]
(with links for the math-impaired)
I don't know the joke... (Score:3, Funny)
I don't know the joke, but the punchline's gotta be:
"Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers!" =)
UNIX email virus (Score:5, Funny)
This is a Unix email virus. It works on the honor system:
If you're running a variant of Unix, please forward this message to everyone you know and delete a bunch of your files at random.
Thank you for your cooperation.
by pjl @ patsoffice . com
Re:This is probably not the best one (Score:5, Funny)
My friend worked part time in college for a software company. The secretary the company had just hired was new to computers, and had a lot of questions and problems with Windows. She probably hadn't even used a computer or Windows before. My friend, being the part time college kid, was assigned to help her.
So she asked him lots and lots of questions, and lots more on top of that. About a week later, when she came to work, she proudly showed my friend the new book she bought to help her learn how to use a computer.
"Hey, look what I bought!" she proudly exclaimed. The book was Microsoft Access for Dummies.
Re:My version (Score:3, Funny)
In C++ (Score:5, Funny)
Re:Why do geeks confuse Halloween and Christmas? (Score:2, Funny)
Blueberry Muffin (Score:3, Funny)
Okay, this is a weird one. But I like it, so it's in my .sig right now.
I have a friend who works at UMN. He and some co-workers were joking about how people expect computers to do everything for them. One of them grabbed a mouse and spoke into it: "COMPUTER! Whatever happened to Blueberry Muffin?"
I can't explain why I think this is so damn funny. In fact, I didn't think it was very funny at first. But the more I think about it, the funnier it gets.
I can't take credit for this one: (Score:4, Funny)
In the United States, the standard railroad gauge is exactly four feet, eight-and-one-half inches wide. Why? Because that's the way they built them in England. Why did they build them that way in England? Because that's how wide English tramways were. And why were they that width? Because the people who built the trams also built wagons, and wagons wheels were that far apart. Why? Because the ancient Roman roads in England had wheel ruts exactly that far apart. Why? Because those ancient ruts were made by the wheels of Roman war chariots, and their wheels were exactly four feet, eight-and-a-half-inches wide. Why? Because Roman war chariots were just wide enough to accomodate two Roman war horses.
The moral of the story is that every specification in the world can trace its history back to some horse's ass.
A lawyer, an accountant, and an engineer.... (Score:5, Funny)
(and for the sexist-humor-impaired, apologies....)
A lawyer, an accountant, and an engineer all go into the men's room (they're all guys, duh :-( ).
The lawyer does his business, then washes his hands, then completely dries his hands with a truly profligate amount of paper towels.
"Lawyers are trained to be thorough," he explains.
The accountant does his business, then washes his hands. But he uses a minimal amount of paper towel, while making sure his hands are as completely dry as the lawyer's.
"Accountants are trained to be thorough and efficient!" he explains.
The engineer does his business, and walks out without washing his hands!
Flabbergasted, the lawyer and the accountant demand an explanation.
"Engineers don't pee on their hands."
Being a geek means never having to ask... (Score:3, Funny)
Being a geek means never having to ask, "Paper or plastic?"
by Loligoljm@delete_this.fc.net)
Lotteries (Score:5, Funny)
Formalizing old wisdom, you'll understand life (Score:5, Funny)
K = P (1)
T = M (2)
P = W/T (3)
Now, do a few simple substitutions:
Put W/T in for P in equation (1), which yields:
K = W/T (4)
Put M in for T into equation (4), which yields:
K = W/M (5).
Now we've got something. Expanding back into English, we get:
Knowledge equals Work over Money.
What this MEANS is that:
1. The More You Know, the More Work You Do, and
2. The More You Know, the Less Money You Make.
Solving for Money, we get:
M = W/K (6)
Money equals Work Over Knowledge. From equation (6) we see that Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches 0, regardless of the Work done.
What THIS MEANS is:
The More you Make, the Less you Know.
Solving for Work, we get
W = M K (7)
Work equals Money times Knowledge
From equation (7) we see that Work approaches 0 as Knowledge approaches 0.
What THIS MEANS is:
The stupid rich do little or no work.
Working out the socioeconomic implications of this breakthrough is left as an exercise for the reader.
Our leader? (Score:5, Funny)
"I do know I'm ready for the job. And, if not, that's just the way it goes."
G. W. Bush, 8/21/2000
Ah yes, the Tomahawk Cruise missle... (Score:5, Funny)
"Ah yes, the Tomahawk Cruise missle... the rich country's car bomb."
by Rand Race (helixp@ nospamplease. bellsouth.net)
Comment removed (Score:5, Funny)
Bad spellers of the world... (Score:5, Funny)
Bad spellers of the world, untie!
by Fjord_Reddfjord_redd @ programmer_dot_net
Don't anthropomorphize computers. (Score:3, Funny)
Don't anthropomorphize computers. They hate that.
by poiu (User #106484)
I'm a dyslexic agnostic with insomnia... (Score:5, Funny)
I'm a dyslexic agnostic with insomnia... I lie awake at night wondering if there really is a dog!
by Q-Hack!kc5aot_HATES _SPAM_@qsl.net (User #37846) http://www.qsl.net/~kc5aot
pun ahoy (Score:2, Funny)
A personal favorite I heard from a coworker years ago:
Q. Why does the condemned man get a last cigarette, instead of one of those
through-the-skin stick-on nicotine thingies?
A. Don't patch the executable.
Working computer hardware .... (Score:5, Funny)
(sadly, source unknown)
My Physics TA has this shirt (Score:5, Funny)
2 + 2 = 5
(for sufficiently large values of 2)
Swearing is the crutch... (Score:1, Funny)
whitehouse.gov. IN CNAME hongkonggov.cn
by xodiakbrad AT geeknet DOT net) (User #95699) http://www.pander.org/
Re:Instead of jokes, I fight with quotes! (Score:2, Funny)
tenth century A.D., and lasted until about 1957, when FORTRAN abandoned the
practice."
I believe the cookie file credits a Sun reference manual for this gem.
"I'm not interrupting you, I'm putting our conversation in full-duplex mode."
- Antone Roundy
That's good, I'll have to remember that.
"I *made up* the term 'object-oriented,' and I can tell you I did *not*
have C++ in mind."
- Alan Kay, one of the inventors/designers of Smalltalk.
In the same vein:
"C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog" -- Steve Taylor, 1998
A computer without a Microsoft operating system is like a dog without bricks tied to its head.
I love this one. I first saw it as a tagline on Slashdot, do you know who to credit for it?
another one (Score:3, Funny)
lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of
their C programs.
-- Robert Firth
You might be a Physics/Math/Engineering major if.. (Score:2, Funny)
if you have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.
if you enjoy pain.
if you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.
if you chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force."
if you've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.
if when you look in a mirror, you see a physics major.
if it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.
if you frequently whistle the theme song to "MacGyver."
if you always do homework on Friday nights.
if you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.
if you think in "math."
if you've calculated that the World Series actually diverges.
if you hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down its
wave function.
if you have a pet named after a scientist.
if you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
if the Humane society has you arrested because you actually performed the
Schrodinger's Cat
experiment.
if you can translate English into Binary.
if you can't remember what's behind the door in the science building which says
"Exit."
if you have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because
there's a wind-chill factor in
the lab.
If you are completely addicted to caffeine.
if you avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute to the
eventual heat-death of the
universe.
if you consider ANY non-science course "easy."
if when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have
accidentally determined
its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in
the universe.
if the "fun" center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.
if you'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier.
if you understood more than five of these indicators.
if you make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door.
If these indicators apply to you, there is good reason to suspect that you
might be classified as a
physics major. I hope this clears up any confusion.
more from the cookie file (Score:3, Funny)
which cannot be justified on any other grounds."
-- J. Finnegan, USC.
Acts of Gord (Score:2, Funny)
Re:not quite CS... (Score:3, Funny)
"Look", says the engineer, "the sheep in Scotland are black!"
"No, no, no," says the physicist, "some of the sheep in Scotland are black"
"I'm afraid both of you have jumped to the wrong conclusions." says the mathematician. "There exists at least one sheep in Scotland, at least one side of which is black."
funny programming language quotes (Score:2, Funny)
-- FORTRAN manual for Xerox computers
"No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining occurrence different from the one identified by the given indication as an indication-applied occurrence."
-- ALGOL 68 Report
"The '#pragma' command is specified in the ANSI standard to have an arbitrary implementation-defined effect. In the GNU C preprocessor, `#pragma' first attempts to run the game rogue; if that fails, it tries to run the game hack; if that fails, it tries to run GNU Emacs displaying the Tower of Hanoi; if that fails, it reports a fatal error. In any case, preprocessing does not continue."
--From an old GNU C Preprocessor document
/joeyo
The Stranded Engineer (old but priceless) (Score:5, Funny)
The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. Looking around he saw some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it.
So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut milk and stared out to sea waiting for a ship to come to his rescue.
One day, as he was lying on the beach waiting dejectecly for a while, he spotted movement out just beyond the waves
In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from, how did you get here?"
She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? Where, did you get the rowboat? You must have been really lucky to have a rowboat wash-up with you?"
"It is only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, I made it."
The engineer's jaw dropped in disbelief.
"I made the rowboat out of raw materials that I found on the island," continued the woman. "The oars were whittled from gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm fronds, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, but," stammered the man, "what about tools and hardware? How did you do that?"
"Oh, no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that If I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware.
"But, enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?"
At this man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the beach. "Well, let's row over to my place," she said. So they both got into the rowboat and left for her side of island.
The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a palm tree, there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. "It's not much," she said, "but I call it home. Sit down, please; would you like to have a drink?"
"No," said the man, "I just can't take any more coconut milk."
The woman laughed: "Don't worry, I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.
After a while, they had exchanged their stories and the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"
"No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life, and even on the cruise ship".
"Well, if you would like to shave, there is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." So, the man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back down stairs.
"You look great," said the woman, "I think I will go up and slip into something more comfortable." So she did.
And, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman returned wearing fig leafs strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenia.
"Tell me," she said, "we have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely, is there anything that you really miss? Something that all men and woman need...?"
"Actually there is," the man replied, as he moved closer to the woman while fixing a winsome gaze upon her. "Tell me: do you happen to have an Internet connection?"
Re:sortof a joke (Score:2, Funny)
To my eternal shame, I spent about five minutes trying to work out what the word 'FEATURE' had to do with the word 'Herbie'.
But then I got it.
WARNING: Lame math joke ahead! (Score:3, Funny)
A constant and e^x were walking down the street, when suddenly a differential operator jumped out from around the corner. The constant screamed as the differential operator destroyed him.
e^x laughed and said "Ha! You can't touch me!".
The differential operator said, "That's what you think, I'm d/dy".
Logic joke (think smullyan):
One of the most prominent funeral directors in the world died, so his peers all got together and sent a giant wreath in the shape of a giant wreath.
One more:
Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should back go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.
"What's Logic?" the first redneck asks. The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weedeater?" "I sure do." "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good!" says the redneck. The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have ayard, you also own a house." Impressed, the redneck says, "Amazing".
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck is obviously catching on. "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinating thing I ever heard! I can't wait to take that logic class!!" The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting.
"So what classes are you taking?" asks the friend. "Math, History, and Logic!" replies the first redneck.
"What the heck is logic???" asked his friend. "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weedeater?" asked the first redneck.
"No," his friend replied.
"You're gay, aren't you?"
elevators (Score:3, Funny)
Altier:
A toggle switch allows you to open the door. A rope hangs from the ceiling, marked off in dot-dash patterns every 12 feet. Pulling the rope allows you to go up 4 stories, when you miss a tug, and crash.
IBM/DOS:
you enter and push a button for the 8th floor, but it can't get past floor 6.40
Mac 7.X
there is a single button for the floors. you push it, and it takes you to the floor it thinks is good for you.
Mac Copeland
You stand outside the elevator door, drinking pepsi, waiting for it to arrive, while reading the sign about how wonderful it is. You get tiered of waiting, so you take the NeXT one.
Windows 95
As you enter, a voice chimes out "where do you want to go today?" so you push the button for the 32nd floor, but it takes you to the 16th floor, twice.
Linux
Instead of a Button panel, there is a large paper bag full of parts and tools, with instructions in Finnish.
Irix
Everything appears to be in order, but the button panel is ajar, and none of the floors will light up. A highly paid consultant is able to borrow a widget from Linux's large paper bag full of parts to make them display.
Re:not quite CS... (Score:4, Funny)
Re:My Physics TA has this shirt (Score:2, Funny)
all the time?
eeew, stinky.
YAGOTJ (Score:5, Funny)
A doctor, a civil engineer and a programmer are discussing whose profession is the oldest.
"Surely medicine is the oldest profession." says the doctor. "God took a rib from Adam and created Eve and if this isn't medicine I'll be..."
But the civil engineer breaks in:
"But before that He created the heavens and the earth from chaos. Now that's civil engineering to me."
The programmer thinks a bit and then says:
"And who do you think created chaos?"
Quickie (Score:3, Funny)
Variable joke (Score:4, Funny)
New prisoner is in the cafeteria having lunch. Occasionally somebody shouts out "12!" or "97!" and the rest of the inmates burst into laughter. He asks what's going on, and one of the older inmates explains that they've all be around so long, they've told each other all the jokes so many times that they just numbered them all.
After listening for awhile, the new prisoner decides to try it. "57!" he yells.
Ending 1.... Nothing happens. He asks the old inmate what he did wrong and the older inmate says, "Eh. Some guys just can't tell a joke."
Ending 2... There is a pause, and then the place explodes in a roar of laughter. Prisoners are falling off their seats clutching at their sides, tears pouring down their faces. After a few minutes of this the older inmate pulls himself back onto his bench, wipes a tear from his eye, catches his breath and says "Jesus, we never heard that one before!"
My faulty memory tells me that there's a third ending as well, but I can never remember it.
the funniest post i ever saw on / (Score:2, Funny)
---
Aliens Make First Contact With Mankind
Posted by CmdrTaco on Friday Aug 13, @4:22PM
In an amazing turn of events for the hmuan race, a spacecraft landed in the middle of Iowa just over an hour ago. The three intelligent orbs of light aboard the ship have already given the world knowledge of interstellar travel, an understanding of advanced nanotechnology, and peace in the Middle East. They have promised that none shall go hungry again, that an age of plenty will be had by all, and that our only limitations in the future will be our imaginations.
FP (Score: 0) ."
by Anonymous Coward on Friday August 13, @4:23PM (#32174720)
I wonder if they've ever been inside a black hole [goatse.cx]
----
from an highly inapropriate AC post here [slashdot.org]
Re:Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? (Score:5, Funny)
Silicon. (Score:3, Funny)
He called it the Silicon valet.
Re:And mine (Score:3, Funny)
There are 3 kinds of people in the world. Those who know how to count, those who don't, and those who think stupid math jokes are funny.
more one-liners (Score:3, Funny)
If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Implants?"
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
Techie (Score:3, Funny)
He repies, "It was funny, a sexy woman rides up on it, dropes the bike, and takes off her clothes! Then she said 'Pick one!'"
His buddie replies, "Good choice, the clothes woden't fit anyways."
Re:Our leader? (Score:5, Funny)
"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
"The future will be better tomorrow."
"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
"Public speaking is very easy."
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system."
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
Not tech, but I think many techies can relate... (Score:3, Funny)
So to the back fence they went. First up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
Next was the Missouri contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
Then the guard asks the New York contractor how much. Without so much as moving the contractor says, $2700."
The guard, incredulous, looks at him and says "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
"Easy" says the contractor from New York, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Missouri."
Tasty joke (Score:3, Funny)
Professor: What is the area of a circle?
Student: Pi r square
Professor: Pi are not square Pie are round.
Student: Grrroan.
I apologize for the horrible math humor.
Re:Instead of jokes, I fight with quotes! (Score:2, Funny)
My favorite version of that form is:
A [xxxxx] without [yyyyy] is like going deer hunting without bagpipes.
Re:A lawyer, a doctor and a computer engineer... (Score:5, Funny)
Re:An Engineer, a Mathematician, and a Physicist.. (Score:5, Funny)
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.
one i remember (Score:2, Funny)
Mathematician, physicist, or engineer? (Score:3, Funny)
A quick way to tell whether you're talking to a mathematician, a physicist, or an engineer, is to ask ``Are all odd numbers prime?''
Guillotine (Score:3, Funny)
The lawyer is next, he also is put in place and the string is pulled. Again, nothing happens. He stands up and successfully argues that legally, the prisoner cannot be executed twice for the same crime, and he also is set free.
The engineer is led up to the guillotine, but before the executioners can put his head in place he calls out, "Wait! You've got a problem in the release mechanism!"
-SablKnight
Balloonist (Score:5, Funny)
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces altitude and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and
shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must work in Information Technology" says the balloonist.
"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."
The man below says "You must work in business."
"I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
God's profession (Score:4, Funny)
An electrical engineer points out that the body depends on the electrical nervous system, and that since this is the core of the design, then obviously God is an EE.
A chemical engineer counters this, stating that the neurons, like all the rest of the body, wouldn't work at all without complex chemical interactions, as well as the flow of blood through the vast fluid flow network of the circulatory system.
The lone civil engineer of the group just laughs at all of them, pointing out that God must be a CivE, since nobody else would think to run a toxic waste line through a major recreational area!
Thank you, I'll be here all week. Try the veal!
-SablKnight
Dorm Room Fire (Score:5, Funny)
The Engineer sees a pitcher of water on the desk and pours the entire contents into the trash can, observes that the fire is out, and rolls over and goes back to sleep.
The Physicist does some quick mental calulations, and determines that pouring one quarter of the pitcher in the can would be sufficient to keep the fire confined to the trash can. He then pours precicely one quarter of the pitcher in the trash can and the rolls over and goes back to sleep.
The Mathamaticition wakes up and notices the fire and the pitcher of water. Satisfied that a solution exits he rolls over and goes back to sleep.
An engineer and a salesman go hunting... (Score:5, Funny)
The engineer thinks this is a little odd, but agrees. He finishes unpacking, when he hears some shouting. He goes outside, and across the clearing, the salesman is running directly towards the cabin, being chased by the biggest, angriest looking bear the engineer had ever seen.
"Open the door!" yells the salesman, and the engineer complies. With the bear on his heels, the salesman rushes up to the door, but at the last minute, he darts to the side. The bear, unable to stop, continues into the cabin.
The salesman quickly slams the door shut, and the bear (even angrier now) begins to trash the cabin.
The salesman smiles at the engineer, and says "OK, you finish this one, I'll go find us another."
Did you hear the one about Kermit the Frog? (Score:1, Funny)
One day, Loan Officer Patricia Whack was sitting at her desk in the Farmer's Federal Bank of Wichita, when in walked a frog.
"Hi, my name's Kermit Jagger, and I'd like a loan," he said.
Miss Whack replied, "Well, Mr. Jagger, what do you do for a living?"
"Nothing," said Kermit.
Miss Whack said, "Do you have any source of income?" and Kermit replied, "No, but my Dad, Mick, has been doing business here for years."
In her most polite voice, Miss Whack said, "I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Jagger, but if you're not employed, and have no other source of income, you'll need some form of collateral to secure a loan."
So Kermit got up out of his chair, walked out to his car, fished around in his trunk, came back in, and presented Miss Whack with a tiny elephant, carved from pink granite.
Miss Whack took the figurine, excused herself, and walked into her boss's office. "Frank," she said, "I need to talk to you."
"Sure, Patty, what is it?" replied Frank.
"I've got a frog in my office, named Kermit Jagger, who's asking for a loan, but all he's got for collateral is this pink elephant thing. I don't even know what it is."
Frank took the pink elephant in his hand, leaned back in his chair, and smiled. "It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Re:On the topic of funny tech jokes... (Score:1, Funny)
Attention: Computer Labs Inc., makers of Virucide antivirus software have identified a highly dangerous new Trojan worm, MONKEYPOO. It will usually appear in an e-mail with the subject, "Congratulations.You have won!" it will then prompt you to click a link to collect your cash prize. It can also freely spread across networks.
Monkeypoo will read your address book, and mail a copy of itself to every address it finds, and it will look like you sent it. It will then invoke the secret self-destruct command held over from the original IBM PC's 8086 command set. This short line of code will cause the processor, ram, hard drive and any floppy drives to spin out of control and overheat until key components melt together, and will most likely cause a fire.
James Winklee, a former IBM programmer had this to say. "We developed the self-destruct code so government agencies such as the FBI and CIA could quickly and completely destroy compromised computer systems before an enemy could get their hands on classified information.
When we saw how violently a PC executing the command burst into flames, we decided not to publish it's existence. It has been kept a secret successfully until now. If you get infected with the Monkeypoo Trojan worm, you may notice your computer going completely haywire. Physically unplug it from power as fast as you can, and send it in for repair. Only a professional can remove this one."
While Computer Labs Inc and other antivirus software makers are working on a solution, they haven't got one a home user could successfully run yet. "This is the worst kind of malicious code I have ever seen." said Marcus Polan of Computer labs Inc. Use extreme caution.
It is important that as many computer users as possible receive this warning, so send it out to as many people as you can. The entire Internet and every PC connected to it is at risk.
For the constructive logic crowd... (Score:4, Funny)
"There are three kinds of people in the world. Those who believe in the excluded middle, those who don't believe in the excluded middle, and those who don't not believe in the excluded middle."
(Needs knowledge of constructive logic [cmu.edu]
Chemistry Jokes (Score:3, Funny)
Why do chemists like working at night?
Nitrates are better than day rates.
What's a chemists favorite ride at the carnival?
The ferrous wheel.
Old chemists never die, they just reach equilibrium.
Why does a white bear melt in water?
Because it's polar.
What is a cation afraid of?
A dogion.
Re:A BBS goodie (Score:3, Funny)
BBS Taglines [codepoetry.net]
I use them for the top and bottom of my site. Reads fine raw. =)
Limerick (Score:3, Funny)
Whose speed was much faster than light
She set out one day
In a relative way
And came home on the previous night
If operating systems were airlines (Score:2, Funny)
All the passengers go out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane, push
it until it gets in the air, hop on, jump off when it hits the ground
again. Then they grab the plane again, push it back into the air, hop
on, etcetera.
WINDOWS '95 AIRLINES:
The terminal is very neat and clean, the attendants are all very
attractive and the pilots very capable. The fleet is immense. Your plane
arrives 6 months late. Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushing above
the clouds, and at 20,000 feet it crashes without warning.
MAC AIRWAYS:
The cashiers, flight attendants, and pilots all look the same, feel the
same and act the same. When asked questions about the flight they reply
that you don't want to know, don't need to know, and would you please
return to your seat and watch the movie.
OS/2 SKYWAYS:
The terminal is almost empty, with only a few prospective passengers
milling about. Airline personnel walk around, apologizing profusely to
customers in hushed voices, pointing from time to time to the sleek,
powerful jets outside the terminal on the field. They tell each
passenger how good the real flight will be on these new jets and how
much safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but that they will have to
wait a little longer for the technicians to finish the flight systems.
FLY WINDOWS NT:
All the passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac, placing the
chairs in the outline of a plane. They all sit down, flap their arms and
make jet swooshing sounds as if they are flying.
WINGS of OS/400:
The airline has bought ancient DC-3s, arguably the best and safest
planes that ever flew and painted "747" on their tails to make them look
as if they are fast. The flight attendants, of course, attend to your
every need, though the drinks cost $15 a pop. Stupid questions cost $230
per hour, unless you have SupportLine, which requires a
first class ticket and membership in the frequent flyer club.
MVS AIRLINES:
The passengers all gather in the hanger, watching hundreds of
technicians check the flight systems on this immense, luxury aircraft.
This plane has at least 10 engines and seats over 1,000 passengers. All
the passengers scramble aboard, as do the necessary complement of 200
technicians. The pilot takes his place up in the glass cockpit. He
guns the engines, only to realize that the plane is too big to get
through the hangar doors!
UNIX EXPRESS:
Each passenger brings a piece of the airplane and a box of tools to the
airport. They gather on the tarmac, arguing constantly about what kind
of plane they want to build and how to put it together. Eventually, they
build several different aircraft, but give them all the same name. Some
passengers actually reach their destinations. All passengers believe
they got there.
LINUX AIR:
Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start
their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave
the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of
printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket
yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts,
a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully
adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plan leaves and arrives on
time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You
try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but
all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?"
Used Car vs. Computer Salesman (Score:4, Funny)
A: The used car salesman knows when he is lying.
Hunter-Managers (Score:5, Funny)
They load it all in the plane, but the pilot is nervous. He says, "The plane is overloaded. We'll never make it." But the managers assure him that everything will be fine. Despite his repeated warnings, they finally tell him that they will take the responsibility if anything happens.
The pilot begrudgingly taxies as far down the runway as he can, opens the throttle, and tries to take off. But there's just too much weight. He screams, "It's no use! We're gonna crash unless you dump some weight!" But the managers tell him to keep going, everything is fine.
Finally, the plane gets off the ground. But sure enough, it's too late. The plane can't clear the fence at the end of the runway and crashes to the ground. Amazingly, everyone survives.
The pilot limps out and says, "See?!? I told you it would never work! What a failure!" But the managers say, "Faliure? This was an astounding success! We got two meters higher than last year!"
Of Scotland, Sheep, and Consultants (Score:5, Funny)
Also not exactly tech, but certainly the tech industry:
A shepherd is tending his flock when a black 5 series BMW pulls up in his field. A dude jumps out of the car wearing $2000 loafers, an Armani suit, Gucci tie, Blancpain watch.
"Hey Shepherd" says the Dude, "if I can guess exactly how many sheep you have in this field, can I have one of them?".
The Shepherd looks at the field and says "I'm a punting man; give it your best shot".
The Dude whips out his WAP and calls a satellite flyover service and gives them a telephone number. 10 minutes later, an overhead view is faxed to the Dude and he counts up the animals.
"Shepherd, you have exactly 1218 sheep".
The Shepherd confirms this is correct and the Dude opens the trunk of the Beemer and puts an animal in the trunk.
"Tell me sir" says the Shepherd, "if I can guess what you do for a living, can I have my animal back?"
"Sure", says the Dude, grinning.
"You are a IT Consultant and you work for either Accenture or KPMG"
"Fuck!! Right on" exclaims the Dude "How didja guess?"
"Well" says the Shepherd "Firstly you turned up unannounced, unwanted and with no prior warning. Then you told me what I already knew. And then you proved you knew absolutely nothing about my business. So give me back my fuckin' dog".
Very geeky joke... (Score:5, Funny)
A: Nothing, as (C - C++ == 0). Note, however, that the value of C has been increased...
Late and waaayy too long, but I have to post it... (Score:5, Funny)
Each agreed to send its best knights to the island, where they would duke it out in a free for all to settle who owned the island once and for all.
The first kingdom was very rich, and sent 100 knights, each with two squires. The night before the battle, each knight drilled, ate, boasted and celebrated as the squires cooked, polished armor, cared to the horses, and sharpened weapons.
The second kingdom was not as rich, and was able to muster only 50 knights, each with one squire. The night before the battle, the knights drilled, ate, boasted and celebrated. Each only had one squire, so they had to polish armor, too. The squires sharpened weapons, cared for the horses, and cooked.
The third kingdom was very poor, and could only send one knight and his squire. The knight took care of his armor and drilled as the squire prepared dinner, tended to the horse, and sharpened the weapons. To save time, he had to hang the cooking pot high over the fire with a noose.
The next morning, the knights of the first two kingdoms were too hung over from the celebration to fight. The third kingdom's knight was too tired from preparing for battle. None of them could fight, so the squires had it out. The battle raged on through the day and into the night. After the dust cleared, and the sun rose the next day only the lone squire from the third kingdom remained, tired, injured, near death, but victorious. This only goes to prove...(brace yourselves)...
The squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
OK, you can shoot me now.
Re:Mathematician, physicist, or engineer? (Score:2, Funny)
Telnet session from sun (Score:3, Funny)
root@horvitz #
root@horvitz # sh
# ping elvis
elvis is alive
#
Give me a kick everytime I do it.
Re:This is probably not the best one (Score:3, Funny)
True story from my days working at an ISP.
One of the sales droids was explaining the virtues of the web and e-commerce etc when the customer asked for a small clarification -
"HTML - how to you spell that?"
more work related calculations (Score:5, Funny)
If
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
are represented as their corresponding number:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then,
H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%
K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%
But,
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%
And,
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%
So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top.
And look how far this will take you...
A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%
Re:Blueberry Muffin (Score:3, Funny)
One of My favorites (Score:3, Funny)
Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078
Dear Sir:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to it's modern origin:
1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.
3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:
A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
B. Clams don't have teeth.
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in it's normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin.
However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.
Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities
Re:Mathematician, physicist, or engineer? (Score:2, Funny)
The computer programmer will write a program to find out, and report:
User support (Score:3, Funny)
I was doing tech support and the user was having trouble logging in.
Me: Is the modem working?
User: How can I tell?
Me: Are the lights on?
User: No, it's daytime here!
M$ bashing (Score:3, Funny)
Bill Gates agrees with this, and so St. Peter takes him on a quick tour of heaven. Gates sees people lying around, eating grapes, playing harps, and seeming contented. "This is pretty good," he thinks to himself.
Then St. Peter takes him to Hell. Here, there are long rolling beaches, crystal water, all sorts of babes swimming and smiling at him as he passes by. There's free beer being given out to everyone and it's just a giant party in general.
Gates exclaims to St. Peter, "This is no contest! Hell is so much better, I want to go there!"
"Are you sure, Bill Gates? There is no changing your mind."
"Yes I'm sure!"
So St. Peter snaps his fingers, and a giant pit of fire opens up under Bill gates. He is impaled on a stick and slowly begins to roast over the hellfire.
"Hey!" Gates screams. "This isn't right!! Where are all the women and the beaches!??!!"
St. Peter replies, "Oh that? That was just the demo version."
sometimes a joke open new views on the worlds (Score:2, Funny)
the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
I'm different, just like everybody else.
It's never too late to panic.
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
If it was said on slashdot, it MUST be true!
The configuration files for Tomcat 3.x look like they were designed by a monkey on crack (or a Sendmail developer)
Without C, We would only have Pasal, Basi, and obol
More Copy & Pasting (Score:2, Funny)
Assembly - You code your foot, your gun and the bullet from scratch, then shoot yourself in the head because your hand is big-endian.
C++ - You accidently create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical care is impossible, because you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, "That's me, over there."
sh,csh,etc. - You can't remember the syntax for anything, so you spend 5 hours reading the manual before giving up. You then shoot the computer and switch to C.
Visual Basic - You spend so much time playing with the graphics and windowing system that your boss shoots you in the foot, takes away your workstation, and makes you develop in COBOL on a 3270 terminal.
APL - You hear a quite gunshot, and there's a hole in your terminal, but you don't remember enough linear algebra to understand what happened.
FORTRAN - You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you continue with the attempts to shoot yourself anyways because you have no exception-handling capability.
Pascal - The compiler refuses to let you shoot yourself in the foot.
COBOL - Using a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be re-tied.
LISP - You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds
FORTH - Foot in yourself shoot.
Prolog - You tell your program that you want to be shot in the foot. The program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't permit it to explain it to you.
BASIC - Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol. On large systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.
HyperTalk - Put the first bullet of gun into foot left of leg of you. Answer the result.
Motif - You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the bullet, its trajectory, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the gun. When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.
Paradox - Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can, too.
dBase - You buy a gun. Bullets are only available from another company and are promised to work so you buy them. Then you find out that the next version of the gun is the one that is scheduled to actually shoot bullets.
PL/I - After consuming all system resources including bullets, the data processing department doubles its size, acquires two new mainframes and drops the original on your foot.
ALGOL - You shoot yourself in the foot with a musket. The musket is aesthetically fascinating, and the wound baffles the adolescent medic in the emergency room.
SCHEME - You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds... but none of the other appendages are aware of this happening.
LOGO - You tell a turtle to draw a picture of a foot and a gun, then shoot the turtle.
ORACLE - You decide to shoot yourself in the foot and go out to buy a gun - except the gun won't work without "deploying" a shoulder holster solution, and relational titanium alloy bullets, and body armour infrastructure, and a laser sight assistant, and a retractable arm stock application, and an enterprise team of ballistics experts and a chiropodist.
Best joke ever (Score:2, Funny)
Oooh! Ooooh! Got another one. (Score:3, Funny)
Then he realizes what's going on. He immediately activates the cabin speakers and says "Ladies and gentlemen, we are having some stability problems with the aircraft. I want everybody who boarded the plane in Warsaw to quickly and carefully get on the left side of the aircraft. We must do this as soon and as safely as possible."
The passengers looked at each other, rather puzzled, but then they unsnap their seat belts and move over to the left side of the airplane. The flight isn't full, so without too much difficulty they get seated. As they cross over, the airplane's oscillation seems to damp out.
The copilot, who was preparing to declare an emergency and try to return to the airport, turned to the pilot. He asked "Captain! How did you know that would solve the problem?"
Captain said "Well, I just remembered that you get instabilities when you have Poles in the right side of the plane."
Ba da bum.
tech riddle (Score:4, Funny)
Question: Who was the first computer technician?
Answer: Eve. She had an Apple in one hand and a Wang in the other.
Pudding (Score:3, Funny)
The man's first wish is to live forever and it is granted.
Then he realizes that eventually the universe will end so he wishes for the hubble constant to be zero and it is granted.
Satisfied, he sits back and wishes for a bowl of pudding. Poof, a bowl of pudding materializes out of nowhere, the hubble constant goes negative, and the universe colapses.
Some funny Haiku (Score:4, Funny)
No keyboard present, Hit F1 to continue Zen engineering?
The Tao that is seen; Is not the true Tao, until You bring fresh toner.
Three things are certain: Death, taxes, and lost data. Guess which has occurred.
Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams.
Seeing my great fault Through darkening blue windows I begin again.
The code was willing, It considered your request, But the chips were weak.
Printer not ready. Could be a fatal error. Have a pen handy?
A file that big? It might be very useful. But now it is gone.
Errors have occurred. We won't tell you where or why. Lazy programmers.
Server's poor response Not quick enough for browser. Timed out, plum blossom.
Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return.
Login incorrect. Only perfect spellers may enter this system.
This site has been moved. We'd tell you where, but then we'd have to delete you.
Wind catches lily scatt'ring petals to the wind: segmentation fault
ABORTED effort: Close all that you have. You ask way too much.
First snow, then silence. This thousand dollar screen dies so beautifully.
With searching comes loss and the presence of absence: "My Novel" not found.
The Web site you seek cannot be located but endless others exist
Stay the patient course Of little worth is your ire The network is down
A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone.
There is a chasm of carbon and silicon
the software can't bridge
Yesterday it worked Today it is not working Windows is like that.
To have no errors Would be life without meaning No struggle, no joy
You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is not here.
Hal, open the file Hal, open the damn file, Hal open the, please Hal
Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will.
Having been erased, The document you're seeking Must now be retyped.
The ten thousand things How long do any persist? Netscape, too, has gone.
Rather than a beep Or a rude error message, These words: "File not found."
Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
A geek with a bike... (Score:2, Funny)
The second geek answers, "A beautiful girl rode up to me in the street, jumped off, stripped naked and said 'take anything you want!'"
less techie version.. (Score:3, Funny)
He walks back into the bar and says "I'll have a beer please bartender"
The bartender says "Look, I told you, we don't serve string, and you're a string aren't you?"
He replies "no, I'm a frayed knot".
Philip Greenspun told me this one (Score:3, Funny)
The civil engineer says, "The nation's highway system is the greatest invention because lets people go from place to place , whenever they want to go."
The electrical engineer, says, "The telephone system is the greatest invention because it lets people communicate from place to place, instantly."
The computer scientist is puzzled for a while, and says, "The world's greatest invention bar none is the Thermos."
"The Thermos?" asks the electrical engineer.
"You put hot coffee in it in the morning and in the afternoon, it's still hot. You put cold lemonade in it in the morning, and in the afternoon, it's still cold."
"But why is that the world's greatest invention?" asks the incredulous civil engineer.
The computer scientist replies earnestly, "How does it know?"
REALLY Dumbest Math Joke (Score:3, Funny)
What's the integral of 1/cabin dcabin?
A houseboat!
(log cabin + sea)
A Mathematician, a programmer and an economist (Score:2, Funny)
He calls the mathematician into his office and asks him "what is the total of 1 + 1?" The mathematician quickly says "That's easy, 2".
Next the programmer is asked the same question, "what is the total of 1 +1?" The programmer says, "I could answer that easily enough, but I think it would better if I developed a calculator that you could run yourself and get the answer."
Finally the economist is asked the same questions "what is the total of 1 +1?" The economist closes the door to the office, shuts the blinds, turns on a radio and then whispers in the mans ear "What do you want them to total?".
God's profession (Score:2, Funny)
The engineer insisted that the subtle structures of the various organs, the efficiency of reuse of basic design, and the way in which all the parts worked together as a whole clearly showed that God was most engineer like.
The computer programmer pointed to the complexity of the brain and the mind as proof that God was most like a programmer.
The civil engineer pointed to the urinary system.
"Who else but a civil engineer," he said, "would run a liquid waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Surgeons (Score:2, Funny)
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.
The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to opperate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded.
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangable."
An engineer dies (Score:2, Funny)
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, sorry, you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"