Funny Things You've Seen on Resumes? 361
noackjr asks: "Everyone wants a great job, but writing a quality resume requires creativity and a fair bit of work (we won't go into actually having the proper skills, qualifications, or experiences -- let's not cloud the issue). Alternatively, sprucing up your resume with a few choice pieces of quasi-truth might set you apart from other 'qualified' candidates (the HR person will never figure it out, right?). A friend from college included knowledge of 'C, C+, and C++' on his resume. He had worked in C and C++ and just figured there had to be a C+ as well (too bad he didn't list C+-). He ended up getting a $50,000+/yr job with a major US tech firm using that resume. Anyone else come across funny/pathetic attempts to improve a resume?"
Additional Accomplishments (Score:5, Funny)
Mind boggling what people get away with (Score:3, Funny)
Time travel... (Score:5, Funny)
Self Appraisal Goal List (Score:5, Funny)
ASR-33 printout (Score:2, Funny)
One of those resumes got me a decent job...
Re:Additional Accomplishments (Score:3, Funny)
And I don't mind taking the karma hit to say so.
Ph. D. (subject to litigation) (Score:2, Funny)
Re:Self Appraisal Goal List (Score:5, Funny)
'Slashdot Editor'. (Score:3, Funny)
Ah, good ol' Welles (Score:5, Funny)
Re:Programming languages (Score:5, Funny)
I dunno... there's always the Peace one. What was Mother Teresa's GPA anyway?
On a related note... (Score:5, Funny)
"So, tell me, did you implement LRF 1.0 in project xyz?"
I replied that I had not. I told him I was not familiar with LRF, and asked what it was.
"Little Rubber Feet. It's a bulls**t filter."
Re:Mind boggling what people get away with (Score:4, Funny)
he misspelled the names of the schools.
Let me guess: his previous position was writing copy for a spammer...
F R EE VI-AGRA 4 U !!!!
2 funny ones (Score:5, Funny)
Second funny one: A friend of mine was part of the team interviewing folks where he works. During one inDUHvidual's interview, my friend closed his notebook and put down his pen 5 minutes into the interview. The higher muckitymucks noticed this, and after the interview said to him "OK, you noticed something we didn't - what was it?"
The inDUHvidual kept talking about how she had worked at "bom-BUH-deer" aerospace here in town. Yes, she was really a good worker at "bom-BUH-deer".
Bombardier is a Canadian company, and is pronounced according to French rules - "bom-BAR-dee-AY". And they are VERY clear about that to their employees.
Re:Additional Accomplishments (Score:5, Funny)
Re:'Slashdot Editor'. (Score:4, Funny)
Only if you list it twice!
circa May 2000... (Score:4, Funny)
"Significant experience with Internet navigation."
That one went up on the company intranet's quote board!
Clarity in CVs (Score:2, Funny)
She wanted to use Disk Operating System in case the interviewer didn't know what DOS stood for.
She was adament about expanding all acronyms. TCP/IP, Perl etc
What if they don't know?
What if they think it is something else?
What if they think she doesn't know what it means?
The instructor assured her that DOS is good to have experience with but will not be a deal breaker when getting a job.
I wanted to ask her why she thought she could get a job.
The circus (Score:4, Funny)
I was actually in the circus at one time, though it never applied to the jobs I was interviewing for. (Not directly anyway.)
I'm not sure how much it helped in getting my resume noticed, but it was great for interview small-talk. "Were you really in the circus?" was my most common interview question.
True but funny stuff on resumes (Score:4, Funny)
This fellow was over here from China on a Visa, and getting a job was obviously key to his continued stay here. He had a decent amount of background in web programming, resume looked good. I finally got to his job history from China itself, and his formal schooling.
He listed 'Resident Neurosurgeon' as his last job title before coming to America.
Me: "Umm... is this correct? You worked as a neurosurgeon?"
Him: "Oh, yes."
Me: "But... you weren't operating on people, surely? You were training to be a doctor?"
Him: "Oh no, I operated on patients for two years there. I worked on people's brains."
I resisted the urge to make a joke about who did he think he was, some sort of brain surgeon? I later on got a similar opportunity when I hired a Chinese girl who had a PhD in (you guessed it) rocket science.
(No, I didn't hire the brain surgeon. We found a candidate with more experience and less likeliness to jump ship from us if a job opened up in his true area of expertise)
MOD PARENT UP!! (Score:1, Funny)
Declining acceptance of honors granted (Score:2, Funny)
An example of this is in post-doctoral fellowships, which are generally quite prestigious. A person may only accept one at a time (it isn't considered fair to recieve double income for the same work, and it helps to spread the wealth), so one lists the fellowship accepted, and all the others that one turned down. I've come across several resumes that read:
"Hubble Fellow, 2001"
"Chandra Fellowship, 2001, denied"
"Jansky Fellowship, 2001, denied"
etc.
You'd think that just being a Hubble Fellow would be enough to convince people that you're a top-level scientist. We're just one step away from:
"Would have recieved Hubble Fellowship, 2001, had I not been too lazy to write a good essay."
or
"Deserved Chandra Fellowship, 2001, but some jerk on the committee thought otherwise!"
On another note, I've also seen people list "invited talks", in which they had invited themselves, or were obligated to give the talk as part of a class.
Re:MOD PARENT UP!! (Score:2, Funny)
Re:Additional Accomplishments (Score:3, Funny)
Re:Programming languages (Score:4, Funny)
Re:Programming languages (Score:3, Funny)
You misunderstand. He's saying that he knows C, C++, PHP, perl, ++C, and lrep.
Re:You bet I'm a nit-picker! (Score:3, Funny)
I'd be wary of hiring programs too...oh, you mean programmers. Sorry, didn't mean to nitpick.
Best I've seen (Score:3, Funny)
Rus
For real (Score:5, Funny)
A few years back we were hiring for Java development. One of the lead programmers had a military background so naturally a resume of anohter fellow with a similar military background rose to the top of the pile. After a phone interview by somebody here, the candidate was scheduled for a full day of interviews on site (He was located several states away).
The big day came and he shows up 3 hours late, dressed like a car mechanic - grease and all. His excuse? "I don't trust airplanes so I had to take the train" (Keep in mind that there are no commuter rails anywhere near our part of the state). Umm okay, well lets get started. One of the first questions I had was about a descrepency on his resume. It stated that he had recieved a BS from Yale, but those same years it also listed him as being active in the military. (served in the Navy off the coast of Libya)
"Right, well I was wounded in action and took correspondence courses while in the hospital" was his response. I think I was more surprised to hear that he was wounded in action in Libya than the correspondence courses supposedly offered by Yale!
Anyway, the interview quickly went down hill after the started throwing buzzwords haphazardly around the room. And then came the kicker... during a lull in the conversation, between discussions of his C++ past, he leaned forward and said "You know what? I really can't stand n*ggers. They cause all the problems"
WTF?? Who says things like that, let alone during an interview! I was so shellshocked that the only thing I could manage to say was "Well... okay..." as I slipped out of the room. The worst part was we still had him scheduled for the rest of the day (another 4 hours)
(and I'm posting anonymously because he might be reading slashdot. the dude was a Freak!)
Oh, and he didn't get the job.
Cut Paste Editing - No Really Cut and Paste (Score:3, Funny)
No. He didn't get the job but I still remember him a decade later.
Re:Self Appraisal Goal List (Score:1, Funny)
been waiting for this topic (Score:5, Funny)
Keep in mind. I work in retail. Retail electronics sales. Thank God we do all of our application processing over the Internet now, and no longer accept resumes, except when pasted into the Internet Job Application Form. But now I don't get the utter hilariousness of people seriously thinking they are going to get hired with things like the following (remember. Retail. Electronics.):
"Objective: Seeking a job in Food Services.
Major: Novell Networking"
(ok, majored in college in novell networking? and seeking a "fries with that" job? and applying in an electronics store???)
"Objective: To be an asset to an organization who needs I can fulfill and obtain a position or responsiblity in the sales feeld." (this is exactly how it was typed)
"I have very good communication skills, multitask oriented, self motivated can get along with various people, I do what im supposed to do when it be done and i'm experienced with dealing with people. I'm willing to travel."
"Education: I received a diploma from holy Redeemer in which I studied college prep classes on June 4, 2000." (this person didn't go to school very much?)
"In January 2001 I attended Henry Ford Community college where I studied basic English"
"responsibilities included help elders with personal care keep them company do thnig around there homes if needed. I did not quit or get fired."
"In January I will be starting school at NIT and taking computer classes to help me until I go to school for my real Major."
"Education: Fordson High School. [Enter your major here] GPA: 3.0 [Enter additional school information including honors, campus involvement and other activities here]" (oops, gotta check those default fields!)
"Responsiblties: Install new, used, and repair tires." (huh?)
"Objective: To obtain full time employment as a Prep Cook or in a Hotel Banquet Facility where my abilities will be utilized and where there is room for growth and opportunity." (I figure this guy could make us lunch every day.. hmm.. think: retail. sales. We don't need a cook.)
"Reason for leaving last employer: School stared back!" (I think she meant school started back.. but that still doesn't make sense in any brand of English that I know.. although I know what she meant.. I'd like to see a school that stares back, though. Maybe a good Stephen King novel.)
"Reason for leaving last employer: Hair cut." (????)
"Previous employer: Financial Administrator for the Yemen National Government." (ok, what the hell are you doing applying for a Retail Sales job?)
I've got a hell of a lot more, but these are the ones easily accessible from where I'm sitting right now. Enjoy!
Re:Thank god for the interview (Score:5, Funny)
Re:Pulling Cable (Score:3, Funny)
Re:from the "Yes this is a trick question" dept. (Score:2, Funny)
Re:Ah, good ol' Welles (Score:2, Funny)
Re:Additional Accomplishments (Score:1, Funny)
Dead references (Score:1, Funny)
I won't even get into the pretentious fonts, excessive use of MCSE logos, check-list format skills summary, or four-line bargraph showing time spent with each company.
Too bad it's not online -- I'd post a link.
Re:Additional Accomplishments (Score:1, Funny)
Re:Programming languages (Score:3, Funny)
Re:For real (Score:2, Funny)
Crime... (Score:5, Funny)
Had to blog it (Score:3, Funny)
This sentence from a recent cover letter caught my eye and I felt compelled to blog it.
I am very hard worker and a stickler for details. (Yes, English is their first language but even if it wasn't, that would be no excuse.)
I still have a big stack of resumes and cover letters for people I've interviewed over the years. I'll review them for do's and don'ts next year when I relocate and have to update my own resume. Maybe I'll compile a list of the funny stuff I find along the way.
Winzip? (Score:2, Funny)
Faxing software... (Score:1, Funny)
Every page had a header that said "fuck you".
Kissinger and Arafat won the Peace prize... (Score:3, Funny)
Unorthodox bits from a job ad (Score:3, Funny)
one that passed my way... (Score:3, Funny)
At a former employer, a very small company, we had one resume for a sysadmin position come in that (in violation of good ethics and probably a law or two) was so funny we passed it around for everyone to see. The guy had listed every single bit of hardware he'd ever touched.
I mean, he listed a twenty different brands and models of monitors. I think he even listed different keyboard manufacturers.
IIRC the whole thing was like seven pages long.
Re:Additional Accomplishments (Score:3, Funny)