Preserving Memories of a Loved One? 527
An anonymous reader writes "My wife is dying of metastatic (stage 4) cancer. Statistically she has between one and two years left. I have pre-teen daughters. I'm looking for innovative ideas on how to preserve memories of their mother and my wife so that years down the road we don't forget the things we all tend to forget about a person as time passes. I have copious photos and am taking as much HD video as I can without being a jerk, so images and sounds are taken care of (and backed up securely). I'm keeping a private blog of simple daily events that help me remember the things in between the hospitalizations and treatments. In this digital age what other avenues are there for preserving memories? Non-digital suggestions would be welcome, too."
Thoughts. (Score:5, Insightful)
I'm sorry to hear about your wife's condition. Truly.
For your daughters, I would recommend that your wife starts a diary, recording her thoughts. The little things, the big things. Looking at video and pictures is one thing, experiencing the feelings of a loved one as they wrote it is another. Together they may give your children something to look back upon for the rest of their lives.
Interview with question/answers (Score:5, Insightful)
film (Score:4, Insightful)
a simple 35mm film camera (one time use if you have to) developed into prints.
Re:mod parent down (Score:3, Insightful)
This is a retarded question for slashdot.
You might as well have asked it on 4chan FFS
Don't lose out on experiencing her life with her (Score:5, Insightful)
Watching videos is passive (Score:4, Insightful)
Do an old fashioned album of the places you've been the things you've seen, then sit with your daughters on your wedding anniversary and tell them stories. Your story telling will make those memories come alive. Relive the joy of her being alive, not the pain of her death.
Put photographs, little bits of whatever, theater tickets, and so on. My father in law did this for my kids as he was dying while they were being born.
Great family history and lots of memories in those albums.
Ask her to write? (Score:5, Insightful)
Perhaps she may want to leave something written, her memories. I have been talking to my dad about doing precisely that for years, not pressing but not stopping mentioning it from time to time. I don't want his life and that of his ancestors to vanish in background noise. I think it's fair to want a record of what the passage of those people through life was like, even if neither of them won a Nobel prize or became president of the country.
On the other hand, perhaps what remains for you to do is to live the time she has with her and your children. In other words, it's good to preserve things as you are already doing, but don't let that take away time or attention from the life that still has to be lived. Find an equilibrium.
Finally, I salute your courage and attitude.
Careful, don't overdo it (Score:5, Insightful)
You might forget to actually live with her while that's still possible. To make memories instead of trying to preserve...the preservation efforts.
Which is impossible to be anywhere "complete" anyway, so just take what's good, what you see is happening; let her guide it (in a preferred form). And the rest involved will specifically remember what's worthwile to them anyway - not everything there is to remember. What does it matter if you couldn't really remember it at will?
(or even "what does it matter" in grander sense - for example, what can we tell about our great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandmother? You know, the one from the side of you father, then grandfather, then great-grandmother, great-great-grandmother, great-great-great-grandfather, great-great-great-great-grandfather, great-great-great-great-great-grandmother, great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather. The basics would do - century, continent, language...
That won't change thanks to "digital age" in the way people imagine, IMHO; at most roughly as an input to statistical approaches / etc.)
Well, if somebody is really determined, cryonics might work...eventually.
Don't Do It (Score:5, Insightful)
People die, life moves on. Detailing her daily life so that you can remember everything will keep you from doing that. Instead, make a log of your important memories with her, and work on making new ones that you and her can cherish for the rest of her life.
Voice recording, (Score:1, Insightful)
Just something simple, doesn't have to be anything specific... reading a book aloud, or just monologuing on this thing or another, it's really hard to recollect someone's voice, but it will bring back floods of memories even 30 years down the line when you hear it. Could combine with smells for even more impact, keep her scented soap, or perfume (not the fancy one, the everyday one which you'll only notice once it's gone).
Cook Book (Score:3, Insightful)
Being Italian we tend to associate with Food. When my wife lost her mother we've spent the past few months finding recipes from my mother-in-law and building a family cookbook. Now when we make those dishes those memories return.
Some ideas (Score:1, Insightful)
I'm sorry for your situation, I can not being to imagine what your going through.
If your wife feels up to it, maybe have her write/record personal private messages to your daughters for the different milestones in their lives.
Graduations, First "True Love" Advice, First Break Up Advice, etc.
Something personal meant just for the girls, they can let you see it if they want to later.
Most memories we have of our parents are from the stories/advice we all rolled our eyes at when they told them to us, and we rolled our eyes then but they take on greater meaning later.
Don't forget to "scrapbook" anything you can from the past, a trip to the park before the cancer took hold might seem unimportant but it would be good to have memories of their mother that do not all focus on what the cancer did and the last few years she had with them.
Maybe check with her parents and see if they have old school photos and other memories saved. Record/document what she has to say about these milestones from her past. It lets them create the connections with her that would have come to pass.
I hope this helps some.
Don't record your life, live it. (Score:5, Insightful)
Honestly, you are wasting your time behind a camera. There is no innovative technological solution to immortalizing the dead. Everyone who suffers that kind of loss winds up forgetting, and later recalling little moments.
Take a cue from the movie 'Up'. Keep photos and cherished items. Use the tokens you preserve to jog your memory once in a while. But spend the time you have left with your wife fully engaged and enjoying every tiny slice of life as much as you can.
Re:Interview with question/answers (Score:5, Insightful)
Record her talking about how she felt when she met you; when and how you proposed, your wedding day, your honeymoon.
Record her feelings when she found out she was pregnant with each daughter, and when they were born.
Record what she loves about each of you individually and the ways in which each of your daughters reminds her of herself. Having that identity link is so important (my parents died when I was young as well).
Also consider having close friends and relatives record their memories while they are fresh.
It may require a few takes to get this done without tears but I feel that's important.
"The Last Lecture" (Score:4, Insightful)
Would your wife be interested in doing something like this? I assume privately, but maybe she'd want to make it public.
Make her smile as much as you can... (Score:5, Insightful)
Make her smile as much as you can and get as many moments all together as can, this will last your daughters and you a lifetime.
Don't let recordings define her (Score:1, Insightful)
/Too/ diligent recording and there's a risk of letting the HD video define your memory of her, versus single pictures that serve only to spark your memories. Similarly a video is something you sit and watch, whereas a picture requires you to talk about the background and explain the story of whats going on in the picture, could be a more family oriented thing. Although on the other hand, pre-teen daughters might not have very strongly encoded memories of her yet, so maybe definitive footage would be good for things that get fuzzy in memory, like voice.
Put down the camera. (Score:3, Insightful)
Have your wife write her thoughts to your daughters, and you, and help her write them if you have to. Keep journals around, but don't be too pushy. It's the rest of her life, so let her choose. Letters for important future events for your daughters could be really nice.
More importantly, put the camera down, stop worrying so much about the distant future, and worry about the time you have now. Don't use it too much to plan to remember. Use it to live.
Do something fun (Score:3, Insightful)
The most fun, absolutely wonderful things. You, the girls, and your wife. While her health will allow it. Take a trip, for instance. And don't make it all stressfull, and don't invest it with too much meaning. It's a fun jaunt, the whole family
Those memories will last.
Important occasions video or letters (Score:3, Insightful)
A message saying she is proud, that she remembers when she did those things, a bit of motherly advise, a lot of love.
Let her do it, and back off. (Score:2, Insightful)
(I'd say I'm sorry, but I don't know you, her, anyone around you and I although it's bad, I can't really make myself feel anything).
In short. You're not the one that's dying, it's just not up to you. Let her do whatever think it's appropriate (telling her anything about it would be just imposing), and keep your own memories, however you want them (blog probably, although your head would suffice). Don't overdo it - otherwise your risk killing parts of you and your daughters in the process.
And, you seem too depressed to ask on Slashdot. Please, please, please, talk to someone, even a professional (even with the related social stigmata related to that). Don't try to offload this on a bunch of strangers, that's not going to work well anyway. We suck. Even though a lot of us lost someone dear sometime ago (me - about a week ago), it still doesn't make us any good in offering good advice on anything like this.
Seriously. Please 1) don't be an idiot 2) do what's right instead of using strangers to thing for you. Yes, you might fuck up, so what? You'll still remember her for what she was.
Re:Typical (Score:1, Insightful)
Re:Don't Do It (Score:5, Insightful)
Well said. Memories are supposed to fade. It's part of how we cope with loss.
Re:Thoughts. (Score:5, Insightful)
Store these mementos forever.
But also realize that you simply can't hold on to her, and trying to hold on will increase the intensity and duration of your pain.
Memories are supposed to fade over time. Whether we like it or not, the fading helps us to heal, and to face the future.
As happy a place as the past is, it is unhealthy to try and live there forever.
Keep the mementos, but don't fall in love with them.
Re:film (Score:4, Insightful)
a few takes? without tears? (Score:5, Insightful)
Re:Don't lose out on experiencing her life with he (Score:5, Insightful)
No mod points, but this ^^^^^.
I lost my wife when we were 37. She went out visiting one night, and never came home.
Spend the time you have left with your wife, and the children with their mother *creating memories*, and not memorabilia.
I'm sorry for your family, that you have to go through this when the kids are so young. Be strong, man.
Quality over quantity; memories over archives (Score:5, Insightful)
I would suggest not video taping anything other than the occasional interview; perhaps discretely video record your wife reminiscing with your daughters about their early childhood, and hers.
Instead of focusing on digital memories, spend that time with your wife and daughters forming memories of real events. Frisbee in the yard, swings, running through sprinklers, hiking in the forest. Learning to cook new things together, card games, board games, sewing.
We remember 'firsts' the best, usually. Do new things. Let your memories blur the edges of your wife's condition; your daughters lives will turn out the better for it, their memories of Mom that much fonder.
Stop the video for your kids (Score:3, Insightful)
The last thing I wanted to remember about my mum when she fought a long battle with cancer was her final days. She finally died when I was 18.
Things are not pretty in those final years. Pale, tired, sick, moody but mostly high on drugs. And that is what you are leaving as a final memory to your kids. She was not that woman.
Go through existing photos of when she was a kid and make sure the photo albums (physical or not) are well documented and chronologically ordered. What was happening at the time, who was she with, how good of time was she having and how happy was she.
Go through photos of when the two of you met and dated. Document that. The happy times and the not so happy times. The two of you should go through each photo and describe the event.
I, for some reason, have only three photos of my mum. Two when she was sick (not so fun to look at) and one just before she met my dad. I would love to know where she was, what she was doing (was it during uni on break?), etc.
Keep some good DNA samples (Score:4, Insightful)
Your wife's DNA may contain some beneficial medical information for your daughters, and it may help them to have access to it later on. Further out there, you never know what we may be able to do with DNA in 20 years. It doesn't seem impossible that DNA could be used to generate 3D portraits of deceased people. Imagine if your grand daughters could someday move a slider around on a computer, and see grandma as a child, then move it again, and see how grandma might have looked had she lived to be 80 years old.
Let's get real (Score:2, Insightful)
Do some black and white photos (Score:2, Insightful)
they last very long.
Digital stuff is going do die at some point - and you're wasting resources trying to preserve and migrate it every couple of years.
A print-out photo-book with some written comments of her is worth a 1000 videos.
Re:Thoughts. (Score:5, Insightful)
Re:Make something, anything. (Score:4, Insightful)
If you can, ask a friend to capture videos and photos some of the time so that you can spend the time you have left without being too busy documenting things.
Also, if you have the opportunity, you should consider clinical trials of experimental treatments. Even if they don't help, she'll be providing a lasting legacy by helping improve medicine so that others---maybe even your daughters---won't have to suffer the same fate someday. And if you can, consider a complete gene sequencing. It could provide useful information in the future for genomics studies related to certain types of cancers, again, potentially helping save your daughters from going through what your wife is going through. It's not much, but it's a legacy that might just have a huge impact on your kids someday.
And consider having her record some personal messages for each of the kids at various stages of their lives. Maybe a message for when they have their first dates, for when they lose their first boyfriends, for when they get married, for when they get divorced and remarried (okay, maybe not that last one)... you get the idea. And, of course, one message telling them goodbye. That's the hardest one of all, but it's also the most important.
One final piece of advice: leave nothing unsaid. Live life with no regrets.
Re:Thoughts. (Score:3, Insightful)
save a sweater or shirt with her smell..
Experience. (Score:2, Insightful)
Don't document her deteriation in minute detail (Score:1, Insightful)
Let her write letters for your children to open on special days in their lives (e.g., the days they get married). Save pictures of her from when she was healthy, so your kids can remember her that way. And be present in the rest of the time you have with her, and don't try to be a Leni Reifenstahl.
Re:Important occasions video or letters (Score:2, Insightful)
I second this one. In my safety deposit box, I have some letters prepared for certain events from my grandmother she wrote before she passed. Marriage, First Child, Etc. They're clearly labeled to be opened at certain events. Do the same, key events in their lives. Granted you don't want to go overboard with them (IE every special event), but perhaps for the next few years, you can pre-write Birthday cards through X age for each, Driver Licenses, Graduation, the same list as above.
It'll be a way for her to pass on her knowledge and life experience in a timely manner to them, and be able to still participate in a bit of their raising long after she's gone.
I'll also weigh in on a comment above. Do document, don't over-document. Unless you're going to be editing the footage down to some reasonable quantity, it'll mostly be for naught. Remember, every minute recorded takes a minute to watch. If you have two hundred hours of footage, most aren't going to want to sit through it unless looking for something. Diaries, journals, are excellent in this regard. They can be read much faster than written, can be picked up and put down for most with little need to go back and re-read the last half an hours worth to get back in your mind where you were. That, and if she's going through treatments during these final days, her personal image is going to start to degrade. It's going to be hard to watch it personally, but do you want your children to watch the entire thing? Probably not. Books let you maintain your own image of her, even when she looks her worst. Of course you will want key things recorded and that's OK, but most want to be remembered at or near their best, not arguably their worst.
Re:Typical (Score:1, Insightful)
The only valid and correct response to the story's question, and it's modded flamebait?
Since when did /. turn into a blubbering bunch of weeping vaginas? This guy is only thinking of himself, not his wife.
He is a selfish son of a bitch and he's the one who should be rotting from the inside, not his wife.
re: (Score:1, Insightful)
My mother died 19 years ago leaving 5 children, the youngest of which was 7 at the time. Last weekend I was going through old papers and found a book of stories my mother wrote down for us before she died. She wrote about her memories from her own childhood, old family stories, and (our favorites) stories about us growing up. I still get choked up reading stories about her love for us, and, for me at least, these are my most cherished possession. She saved her writing to hard drive, but these have all been lost over the years. I only have the paper versions, so don't overlook keeping copies in as many formats as you can.
As for advice going forward, I can tell you what I would like to have from her. I wish we had video and pictures to go along with the stories. She never liked having her picture taken, but I wish she would have realized that they were not for her. I hope your wife will allow the intrusion of a camera even if it may not feel completely comfortable at the time. I could not have enough hours of audio/video recordings of her. I understand the warnings of previous posters who think living in the past is unhealthy, and I agree. I would just add that, every once in a while, usually on our mother's birthday, my sisters and I like to sit around and laugh and remember and drink and cry. It doesn't feel unhealthy, and we all wish we had more of her to look back on.
One last thought, if you will indulge me, is that all 5 of us turned out okay. We all miss our mother and remember her often, but we are happy, well adjusted adults. You cannot spare your children the anguish of losing a parent, but have faith that they will get through this. Good luck to you and your family.
Re:Personally (Score:5, Insightful)
I have copious photos and am taking as much HD video as I can without being a jerk, so images and sounds are taken care of (and backed up securely).
I'm not going to go to the extreme of the parent, but it sounds like you are spending a lot of time trying frantically to freeze your wife forever. I'v never been through something like this, but maybe everyone would get more out of it if you just--i don't know--forget that she is dying and spend as much natural time with her as you can. Then you (and your kids) will have memories of Mom as she was when she was happy with her family, rather than hours of video with an elephant in the room.
Re:Thoughts. (Score:5, Insightful)
I would like to offer a different opinion.
Instead of worrying about remembering her later just to do your best to be with her now and do whatever you can to make her limited time better.
Stop with the videos and photos. She's not going to want to be remembered in this state. You and your kids aren't going to forget all about her when she's gone.
Re:Nobody needs die of cancer any more (Score:5, Insightful)
People like you disgust me. It's bad enough that the OP is losing his wife without scumbags like you trying to bilk him out of money.
Last Lecture (Score:2, Insightful)
The best thing I can think of is the "Last Lecture" of Randy Pausch: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji5_MqicxSo
Some ideas (Score:5, Insightful)
Without being overbearing, now is the time to ask questions and make a permanent record of memories she has of her childhood; her experiences are what made her the person she is today, and this type of thing will really help other family members understand her a bit better. And once the person has passed away, this is otherwise almost completely lost unless an old acquaintance takes pity on you (and that's really not something to count on.)
I put together one of the deepest family genealogy sites on the net for my family - many thousands of well researched individuals going back to the early 1500's - and if there's one thing I've learned, it's ask [whatever] before someone passes on, or you'll probably never know.
And you know what? People are usually pretty happy to tell you the story of their life; all you have to do is ask questions and be a good listener. From the standpoint of your kids and later descendants, just add making a record. If photos are involved, make sure you carefully associate the stories with the photos.
Also from a genealogical standpoint, make sure you know as much as she does about her family connections. This information is all too easily lost.
You say you're making HD video; I suggest you make some audio recordings too. We can't always be watching a display. You might have her read a favorite book or poetry, or something else that can be listened to long-term while you or whoever is doing something else. Also, people are often more comfortable off-camera, especially if they are debilitated.
Just saying... (Score:5, Insightful)
Focus on recording her memories, not yours (Score:5, Insightful)
My wife lost her grandmother a few years ago... here are the things she wishes she could have gotten from her before she passed:
The story of her life : her earliest memories, what she remembers of her parents and grandparents, her brothers and sisters. All this will be relevant to your daughters once they grow up a little more and have children of their own... they'll want to know more about their family background and characteristics... and a lot of that information on your wife's side of the family will be best delivered by her. If you do http://www.geni.com/ [geni.com] or any other genealogical mapping thing, that might be a good way to start filling in blanks.
It's a good opportunity to just set up the camera / recorder somewhere out of the way, and forget about it and have a pleasant discussion face to face. I'd even go so far as to recommend that you get a friend to conduct the autobiographical "interview", because people talk about different things to outsiders than to family... I've always found out more interesting things about my own family by listening to them talk about that kind of thing to strangers.
I've sure you can think of other interview questions, but here are a few to get started:
Have fun! Not everyone gets the opportunity to make peace and say goodbye...
Clothes (Score:4, Insightful)
Save some of her clothes, her favs, both dress-up and casual, including shoes. Put em away well. The little girls will grow up and get to see and maybe wear some of mom's clothes later on. And especially the wedding dress. Who knows, one of them or a grand daughter might want to wear it when they get married. Oh, and her jewelry, you'll need to divvy that up later on when they are near-adults as well. Next, some of her fav books, stuff like that. Any hobbies she had, the creative stuff, keep a representative sample.
But don't make a mausoleum inside the house, don't go that far, and don't keep everything, donate it away. Eventually you will meet a new person, they will be uncomfortable if the whole house is a mausoleum dedicated to the person they aren't and never can be, if you get my drift..
A friend went through this recently (Score:1, Insightful)
A close friend's wife passed away from stage 4 metastatic breast cancer earlier this year. He built a website based on stuff he had found (and things people sent him).
http://karinremembered.org/
As far as I know, he didn't go to any special effort to record things beforehand. The last few months of her life were very stressful, recording little details was the furthest thing from his mind. Remember the memories, use mementos as reminders, but as others have said, you should life the life you have left and afterwards, you'll need to keep on living, not obsessing over hours of footage.
There's already a blueprint for this (Score:1, Insightful)
Watch the movie "My Life" with Michael Keaton. It's a perfect blueprint for what you are trying to do. It's the story of a man diagnosed with terminal cancer right when he learns his wife is pregnant. His main concern is that his son knows who he was and isn't deprived of those life lessons only a father can teach his son (like how to shave). Your wife has a lot of those things she wants to be there for with your daughters (first kiss, first love, how to buy a good bra etc). The movie shows a simple and elegant solution.
Mum dying (Score:3, Insightful)
My mother died a little over a year ago. Photo's are great, but in my case the videos don't do a huge amount for me (although it is interesting to watch how she moved). My brother has her cell phone though, so when we call him we get her voice-mail message....I really miss that voice. Dad went through her travel diaries and typed them up so we all have a copy of those. That's nice because it records the way her mind worked in some of the happier times of her life. The smell of perfumes may also be important, coconut cream always reminds me of her and that phase happened when I was a very young child. Shopping lists, notes, and such are also important. Sometimes it is the way we do little things are say the most about how we were.
Beware of recording to much of her in her final stages. They need to remember her as she lived, not as she was dying. Good luck though. You are in for a rough ride and it will take a long time to regain some sense of balance.
StoryCorps (Score:1, Insightful)
http://storycorps.org/
You can reserve a time to talk with her about her life and sharing it with you.
Re: DON'T Preserve them forever! (Score:5, Insightful)
I lost my mother from a cancer about 9 years ago... And I still miss her and I'm still crying at some times... For example, when my son was born (she would have liked so much to know him).
But I would NOT recommend you to take any step to preserve her memories... Because all that you'll do will be artificial, it won't be her.
You'll have to move on, be ready to be grieving for about one year, the time needed to hit each anniversary and special dates... And it'll be the same for your daughters. And you'll have to help your daughter going through that, by having they think about something more happy (you may talk with them about the good times before the illness then go on to good times they can have with you (their dad) now).
Creating a "sanctuary" is probably the worse thing that you can do... My only advice would be to enjoy all the moments that you can still enjoy with her, try to have some good time during these grim moments...
Except for her last weeks, my mother was on chemiotherapy... We changed your life to adapt to her cycle... 1 week ill, 2 weeks tired and 1 week when she was feeling well. We didn't celebrate birthdays and other on the official date, we learned to celebrate them during that good week. And we had quality moments in family during these weeks.
Don't talk or think about her death, it won't bring anything good (well, to be a little cynic, you could get run over by a car tomorrow and die before her), try to enjoy all what you can.
Also, keep in mind that by taking photos and videos, you're making memories of her illness, not of the good time BEFORE her illness... And even if memories fade away, the most important won't disappear...
Find the nicest picture of her BEFORE things went bad, and put it NOW in a good place in your living room, if possible among other pictures of the family. Even better, find a picture where you're all together. By doing it now, while she is still there, you won't be making a "sanctuary" but displaying family pictures... It'll help to remember without linking it to the "souvenir" (sorry, I'm french-speaking) of when she died.
You may forget her voice, you won't forget her words. You may forget her face, you won't forget that you loved her smile/hair/... You may forget the last moments, you won't forget the happy one. No need for a time capsule for that...
Re:film (Score:4, Insightful)
Can you explain more about why you think having the roll of film is so important? My wedding was shot digitally, and to be honest I like knowing that there are 5 perfect copies of the original shots in different physical locations so I know I can never lose them. I'd be concerned having only one set of "original" negs - knowing that any copy of them is of lesser quality. I certainly don't think the photos themselves are any worse for being digital.
Re:Personally (Score:5, Insightful)
I agree here. I lost my father when I was 21 in a car accident - my whole family (mother and 2 sisters) were in the car and he was the only one injured.
Spend time with your wife. Let your children experience her as the naturally do. Drop the camera and live the moment. Take pictures when you would if you didn't have the knowledge. The reality of the recording media can sometimes dilute the memory. I'm sure some of the memories of my father did not happen the way I remember - but they are my memories and I look back at them fondly when I think of my father. I'd rather remember the memories fondly rather than potentially have a "digital archive" show me that it really didn't happen the way my memories recorded them (or potentially having my current view of life polluting the memory.)
We as human beings have survived many many hundreds of years without digital archives. We remember or ancestors. You don't want to look back and think - "I should have been on the other side of that camera."
Re:Preserve them forever! (Score:5, Insightful)
Not really. The whole idea sucks. Preserve your memories by spending time CREATING memories. This is about as useful as travel or wedding pics - nobody wants to see more than half a dozen at one sitting.
Re:Old school (Score:4, Insightful)
I'd suggest that you combine this idea with plans for a really great day out - make it so that later the handprint piece is a springboard into the memories of that day together.
Don't ruin the time you have left... (Score:4, Insightful)
If you spend all your time worrying about "preserving her memory" instead of enjoying and getting the most out of your time left with her, you will regret it for the rest of your life. I've had two friends lose their spouses to cancer and they both made the same mistake. They got so caught up in "I gotta record this!" and "oh wait I have to get the camera!" and all that, they ruined all of those special moments by reminding themselves of what was coming.
My advice: live the moments while you're in them. Don't ruin them by trying to save them for later.
Re: DON'T Preserve them forever! (Score:1, Insightful)
Can't say much beyond this. I truly feel for your loss-to-be, although I won't even pretend to understand how you feel (and how you will feel when the time comes). I have lost loved ones but not a wife, and every situation is unique. From my experience the best memories are the ones in your heart; anything extra is usually just an aid. The word 'memories' pretty much says it all.
My recommendation is that you cherish every moment you have left together rather than wasting precious time on recording it, but I'm not in your situation and can't realistically give accurate advice. It is an outsiders perspective though and it's up you to evaluate it's worth and act upon it. If you feel what I'm saying is worthless you should have already stopped reading.
Re:Some ideas (Score:5, Insightful)
This is VERY insightful and I wish I had mod points today. All but only distant members of my family are gone. I have very little left to remember anyone by and it hurts a great deal. What I regret most is the loss of my grandparents and of not being smart enough or mature enough to have sat them down and had them tell me stories that I could record. One of my grandparents in particular had quite a few adventures and had told me about WWII and some of the engineering he did. I have these only in memory now and would so much rather have had them recorded and heard more of them. But I was a kid and later on he got Alzheimers which left him unable to even recognize me or his wife. By then it was too late! I do not recall ever having heard such interesting stories from my parents although I'm sure I did. My parents were all taken early from me and again I was too young and too immature to think this far ahead. I tell others not to make the same mistakes and not to procrastinate - you never know what tragedy may befall someone you care about when you least expect it. To be left with only fleeting memories and to know nothing of the childhood of your family is awful, memories need to be passed down. Stories of rides in biplanes, trips where tires were repaired over and over on rocky muddy roads, WWII stories that were never reported in the papers - all of this should be preserved and more if possible.
It twists my gut to hear what this person is going through, if there's one disease I'd like to see cured it's cancer followed closely by debilitating disease like Alzheimers that rob a person of their mind...
Re:Preserve them forever! (Score:1, Insightful)
Of course it's good to create memories but it is also important to preserve them. Just because YOU don't want to sit down and look at wedding photos doesn't mean that child who's lost their parents at an early age won't want to when they're more mature than you are. If they don't then fair enough, the effort was made but if they do and the effort wasn't made - what then? Pretten kids aren't mature or old enough to make the kinds of memories they might like, better to try and preserve things in case later on they decide they care - most of us would.
Re:Thoughts. (Score:1, Insightful)
Agreed. Cherish the time you have now. The good times will always stay with you. You and your daughters will remember the person she is always.
Re:Clothes (Score:3, Insightful)
Along this line, things.
I have two such things, a screwdriver and a (cheap) meat cleaver.
The screwdriver I borrowed from a friend before he got cancer, and in the hubbub surrounding his sickness, never got around to giving it back. Now it's my favorite screwdriver, and every time I use it or even see it, I think about him, remember some of the things we did together, his wicked sense of humor, etc.
The meat cleaver belonged to my mother-in-law, and there's a story behind that as well. It's too long to tell here, but it was absolutely appropriate that when we were cleaning out her house, that silly little meat cleaver came home with me and took up residence in my toolbox, exactly where it belongs. Open the toolbox, and there's another memory waiting.
The memories are there. The things are mnemonic devices that refresh those memories.
Re:Thoughts. (Score:1, Insightful)
Aside from that, to further preserve her smell, buy some of her favourite fragrances, soaps, and the like. Ten, twenty years from now they might no longer be sold or have their formula changed so it's not "the same". They also go in zip-lock bags (smaller in a bigger one in a bigger one).
Re:Preserve them forever! (Score:3, Insightful)
This might also touch on one somewhat accepted (how true? - hey, take what you want from it) observation about memories and time perception, BTW. When life gets monotonous (hence also not many memories to speak of; going too far with preservation efforts might push things somewhat towards that area...), it drags on while it unravels...but seems to be a blink of an eye when looking back.
Filling it with experiences tends to make it seem like it flashes by, OTOH. But it's suddenly so full, so long, when remembered.
Take your pick.
Re: DON'T Preserve them forever! (Score:5, Insightful)
I'm dealing with a loss of my mother as well. I tried doing video recordings, but the problem I faced was that they weren't terribly candid. My mother was always a camera whore however, so in one sense it was natural for her to seek and find the camera in the room, then play up to it; in another sense I was never able to capture the candid moments when mom was just being herself.
The OP has likely weighed the worth of capturing the last moments of his wife's life, knowing full well how painful the moments will be (the visual effect of her illness, etc.).
I recommend creating new memories and documenting those with recordings. Go out, take a day trip. These things need not be expensive. Record yourself spending time together be alive and not merely acting. Write letters to each other. Share old memories, remind each other of your life spent together. A written letter, not some blog entry that only exists digitally, will have more value. Create physically tangible pieces of memory, be it toys you buy each other, or polaroids you shot of each other. Things you can hold, things that don't require a computer, will mean a lot to you.
The point of all this is to create new memories that don't anchor you or her to the illness. Make the illness a non-issue.
As for preserving old memories. I recommend that any video or audio you have be archived losslessly to very durable storage medium. I recommend digital tape. Even my old VHS analog tapes have proven more durable that things written to DVD-R. But do keep copies on more easily consumable mediums such as flash cards and DVD-Rs. For photos, I recommend developing your photos, archiving lossless originals as above, and then keeping high quality JPEGs for easy digital access. For personal belongings, I use durable plastic containers that can be sealed. Zip-loc bags are useful too.
The point here is you'll find yourself wanting to archive a lot of diverse materials. Being Slashdot, we immediately think about media, but there's other things too like stuffed animals, christmas ornaments. etc. A wide variety of things. Also, I recommend photographing those things. I would also digitally scan letters and other documents. Save things from your outings. I have movie tickets. They bring back a lot of memories.
It's a lot of heartbreaking work. At the moment, I can't even look at the material I've collected, but I know someday I will want to revisit it.
Re:mod parent down (Score:4, Insightful)
I'm not looking for insightful comments from a focused group of individuals who have been through this. There's plenty of that. I am asking a group of people in a community I have long lurked/participted in. Of course I understand the responses are going to run the gamut, but I usually find there is a post or two that are insightful that are from members of a community I obviously must feel reflects me in some manner. So your responses were expected along with the many other types of responses that make this community what it is.
Re:Thoughts. (Score:3, Insightful)
Note and learn to cook her favourite Recipes (Score:4, Insightful)
I'm surprised not to have seen this...
Note and learn to cook her favourite recipes! My Mum did this for my Grandma as did Grandma before her. It still brings a smile when I cook something I enjoyed visiting 'Oma' as a small child. Its a nice bit of family history/tradition too ... the recipes are hand-written and some have fun stories ('the day your Dad ate 2 whole cakes') associated with them.
Re:Thoughts. (Score:5, Insightful)
Re:Thoughts. (Score:4, Insightful)
For the anecdotal evidence of that, my grandpa died 7 years ago, and when we got his handwritten journals a few years ago they meant more to my family, myself included, than everything else combined. I can't exactly explain why, but that's the way it was.
Thought about doing this for my own (Score:2, Insightful)
On first thought that is a scary thing and the road you now have to travel for the (statistically) next 1 to 2 years is not really an easy one.
But on the other hand you now have an opportunity not many of us have. Thing is, we are all dying. There is a fair lot of people here on this board who will be dead long before your wife passes away. And many of them would have wished to have known this two years in advance. Statistically there are about 160000 people who will not see the next sunrise. And some of them might be readers on slashdot.
So you have some albeit limited time left to focus on the important things in life.
- Don't waste time focusing on the sickness. Like talking about this. What I learned about talking with my children is that whatever you tell them they will perceive 10fold. So if the sickness is an important thing during the time to come it will be ten times as much important for your children as it is for you. And don't try to hide the sickness from your children. I don't know how much they can realise already, but children understand much more than we can imagine. At least on an empathic level. Try to be "normal" about your wife.
- Focus on the time you have as a family. And focus on your children. Supposing you are doing a standard 9 to 5 job having the weekends off you should start using the weekends for short trips, like camping and stuff. I don't know what the physical condition is your wife is in right now, but start _doing_ things. If it is possible, go on as many bicycle trips as you can. Travel around. My wife and me are currently in the process of bying a campmobile. Since I am working on a freelance basis the weekends are the times we can share as a family. And with my oldest son starting school this year our holiday time will be focused on the main holiday seasons, which are extremely expensive. So buying a campmobile and doing weekend trips seems like a good thing for me.
- Give your kids memories of good times. By spending time together. They will remember their family in a way everybody should have been able to remember their family. In the end this is what matters. How did we perceive our parents while they were with us. And the foundation for this is being laid while the kids are young.
As mentioned in the title I thought about doing this for my kids for various reasons. My way of doing this will be to start taking short videoblogs for my two sons. With the built in camera of my mobile (htc legend). These videoblogs will be short and will focus on letting them take part in my daily life. And maybe I will try to incorporate the fact into these videos that my sons will get older. So I will try to record videos for times when they are older. For storing purposes I will put them on cd and on sd-cards. Copied multiple times with one set of copies being stored in a safe-deposit box. My wife will know about this and I will put instructions about that into some sort of testament.
But how many of them you take it will always be like looking through a box full of pictures of lost ones. They cannot replace the real thing. In the end it will be your job as a father to help your kids focus on the future. This is where our road heads to. And the future is where your kids will need you.
Yt,
Gunnar
Re:Focus on recording her memories, not yours (Score:3, Insightful)
I have one photo of my father, age about 12, with his dog. The stories he told about the troubles he and the dog got into in a small town in Iowa are absolutely priceless.
Re:Thoughts. (Score:3, Insightful)
She's not YOUR wife (Score:4, Insightful)
If the OP wants to choose to remember his wife in this way, and help preserve a legacy for his/her daughters by recording everything he can about her, than that is his choice. The fact that this information is not of interest to YOU is entirely irrelevant. This data isn't for you to consume, and I'm not sure how you could possibly evaluate the worth of this.
Given that his wife is in Stage 4, and the daughters so young, the ability to create memories is likely not great, and getting worse. If recording memories is all he can put together, so be it.
SirWired