Preserving Memories of a Loved One? 527
An anonymous reader writes "My wife is dying of metastatic (stage 4) cancer. Statistically she has between one and two years left. I have pre-teen daughters. I'm looking for innovative ideas on how to preserve memories of their mother and my wife so that years down the road we don't forget the things we all tend to forget about a person as time passes. I have copious photos and am taking as much HD video as I can without being a jerk, so images and sounds are taken care of (and backed up securely). I'm keeping a private blog of simple daily events that help me remember the things in between the hospitalizations and treatments. In this digital age what other avenues are there for preserving memories? Non-digital suggestions would be welcome, too."
Old school (Score:5, Interesting)
Non Digital: Handprints in clay...
Anonymous Coward (Score:5, Interesting)
The best thing I had from some older relatives (now gone) were CDs of them telling stories. One of my cousins took the time to get a few of the aunts and uncles together on the phone and asked a few questions to get them to reminisce. After a few minutes they forgot about the tape recorder and began really talking to each other. That set of CDs one of the nicest remembrances I have of them. My wife wishes she had done this with her parents. They grew up during the great depression and had a lot of interesting stories on the way things were and tales of every day living. Unfortunately her mom developed Parkinson's and lost the ability to speak clearly, and her dad died of a sudden heart attack, so we lost all this oral history, as well as the sound of their voice.
put some footprints in concrete (Score:4, Interesting)
On a back porch or whatever. Then the kids can stand in their mom's shoes and compare their feet.
It does help make a connection.
Handprints are more convenient and can hung on a wall if you do them with plaster in pie tins. This also makes them portable in case you move to a new house.
In theory you could make molds of hands, feet, whatever. But people seem to see more realistic depictions such as this or lifesize cutout standees as being creepy. Not so with hand/footprints.
Re:Old school (Score:0, Interesting)
Re:Thoughts. (Score:5, Interesting)
Videos of birthdays, vacations and special events only go so far: you've all seen those videos, camera pans over the people and they're all smiling and laughing, but there's no sharing there, no real connection, it's about as generic as can be.
A video blog set to private on Youtube would be perfect. She can just turn on the laptop webcam and talk about whatever she's feeling that day for a few minutes. My wife and I did that awhile ago when we were on a strict diet and it's very interesting to go back now and see how we looked and felt.
Go to the gym (Score:0, Interesting)
Get yourself in shape so that when she's gone you'll be able to rebound with someone not riddled with tumors.
Seriously, a much better option than trying to remember every detail of her is to get balls deep into someone else as soon as possible, so as to forget about her entirely.
A living memory (Score:1, Interesting)
You might try starting a small scholarship fund, for example:
http://www.goldenislesarts.org/artsineducation.html#scholarship
Support something that she was very fond of and you will not only have a yearly reminder, but she will continue to touch the lives of others into the future.
Re:put some footprints in concrete (Score:4, Interesting)
On the same line of thought, you could make a death mask, or a couple of them.
It's not as creepy as the name might suggest and doesn't require the subject to actually be dead.
It was a project we did in one of my art classes in high school. My mom collects masks, so I gave mine to her and it hangs on her wall with many other more exotic masks.
The process is fairly simple and quickly described in this article [ehow.com]. In my art class, we took it a step further and used the plaster mask as a negative and later filled it with pottery clay, baked it, glazed and baked it again. I glazed mine black, but I'm sure that a ghostly white might be appropriate for the situation.
Making the mask negative (mold) is something that can happen in less than an hour. With a little more work you can probably make one that is re-usable out of other materials, but the plaster style negative is good for making only one ceramic mask. I'd suggest one per child, maybe more.
I'm sure that if the goal was described to someone at your local pottery shop, the appropriate materials would be suggested.
Re:A good idea (Score:4, Interesting)
As a supplement to the above, I advise submitter - I've been there as a kid, as a pre-teen. Whatever you do, do not force the issue with your children. When your wife passes, do not force your wife's memory upon them and insist that everybody constantly juggle her memories in each others' faces. Let them be sullen and withdrawn if they want to. They will recontextualize at their own pace, in their own ways. Attempting to shove their dead mother in their faces may be misguided and akin to pouring lemon juice on a wound. Just be supportive of each other and don't force anything.
And later, when you begin to find romance again, do not force your kids to call her "mom." Nobody will ever replace mom.
* It would be easier if I knew that she died. But, in the throes of schizoprhrenic psychosis, a product of an old-skool "tough-love" family who kicked their children when they were already down, she was last seen attempting to kill herself. She was erroneously released from the nuthouse on her own recognizance, never to be seen again.
** My friends sometimes tell me that they fucked my mom. I tell 'em that it must be the reason that they smell like malt liquor and piss, etc.
Re:Thoughts. (Score:5, Interesting)
That being said, I recommend taking a few minutes to listen to the "This American Life" episode where a mother dying of a terminal disease left letters for her young daughter to be read annually. From the story's description, "At first the letters were comforting, but as time went on, they had much more complicated effects."
You can stream the episode from http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/401/parent-trap [thisamericanlife.org] (I'm recommending the "Letter Day Saint" act 1 story).
It's been shown -- memories of smell last longest (Score:2, Interesting)
Your wife should make sure to wear her favourite perfume regularly and buy some bottles for the girls -- put the bottles away until they get a little older. You could also take her pillow and blankets and put them in one of those plastic things that you vaccuum the air out of. Take the blankets and pillow out when one of the girls is feeling badly (after a bad breakup with a boyfriend, say) and let her curl up on the couch with them. If you reseal them in the bag every time, the smell should last quite a while...
Just some off the wall ideas but I can tell you that the thing I miss most about my wife is her smell...
Thoughts on preservation (Score:3, Interesting)
Make sure you have an remote backup of everything digital and a safe local copy ie. not on windows machine that accesses the internet a lot. I recently had to help out a family who'd lost pretty much all of their family photos when once computer lost data. Also at the moment I'm setting up a linux machine for a lawyers office after they had a trojan go through and make a mess of their windows machines. Almost lost 12 years of documents. Either an online secure storage site or dvd's at a relatives house could save your data.If you go the dvd method, buy high quality discs.
When your wife does pass away, allow your girls to choose a couple of personal items of their mothers for themselves to remember her by. Things like hairbrushes or even a favourite jacket or jumper might help them through the grieving process and also help them to remember the personal everyday moments they had with their mother as they grow older.
Parent Trap (A must-hear) (Score:3, Interesting)
Check out Act One of this episode [thisamericanlife.org] of This American Life [thislife.org].
Act One. Letter Day Saint.
Rebecca was 16 years old when her mother Elizabeth died of cancer. But before she died, she wrote letters to Rebecca, to be given to her on her birthday each year for thirteen years. At first the letters were comforting, but as time went on, they had much more complicated effects. David Segal tells the story. David is a reporter for The New York Times. (14 minutes.)
Re:put some footprints in concrete (Score:5, Interesting)
When you sit on the bench, you see that the grave marker, runnig the length of the bench, lies where the feet would rest. One one side of the marker is an adult-sized pair of shoeprints, on the other side is a child-sized pair of shoeprints.
The grave marker instructs the sitter to sit down and tell the deceased child a story.
*sniff*
Re:Watching videos is passive (Score:1, Interesting)
Anonymous,
I am truly very sorry for the ordeal you (collectively) are going through & offer my deepest sympathies.
My wife went through a bout with breast cancer 4 years ago. She found that scrapbooking was a way for her to both stay positive (she mostly focus on our two young children) & to create a unique and very personally expressive medium for the whole family. Since your children are old enough, they could even be involved in the creative process with your wife.
Do what you need to do. (Score:1, Interesting)
Alot of you have gone off topic from his initial request. He didn't ask what he and his wife should do to preserve the times they have. He asked in what ways he can preserve them. So let's stay on topic and let's not tell him how to run his own ship.
One of the non-digital things that comes to mind is food. I'm sure you might have thought of this but if not this could be great for your daughters. Try to learn every dish your wife has ever made down to the T, be it bad or good. If your daughters knew how thier mother cooked they could always have that with them (be it if she was a bad or good of a cook.)
A more modern step, one that your somewhat doing is making a birthday video blog for you and your kids. Try and have your wife create short birthday video blogs for each birthsday (if it isn't to much work for her). It gives your kids the feeling the every birthday, mom is here. (I'd say 25 would be an appropriate age to stop making the blogs. But that's up to you guys however far you want to take it.)
I personally think your on the right path with using technology to preserve your wife. It's a great to express your love and it's almost a new step in a way to remember our loved ones. It's not new that we make videos of loved ones past, but making a collection of different means. Take all the good ideas that people have post this far and soon after to create an even better memory experience for you and family without making your wife feel sad or the time is drawing near. However I know you already understand that.
Enjoy her time be digitally, physically or emotionally. Just do what you think is right. God bless.
Re:Focus on recording her memories, not yours (Score:5, Interesting)
This, this, this, this and this!
I lost a non-immediate family member to cancer in the recent past. She did not want pictures or video taken of her, she wanted everyone to remember how she looked before. What she was willing to share, and what made her happy to talk about, was stories from childhood and other reminiscing. Got her siblings together, and just talked. I got to sit there and just hear stories about my parents from before I was born, about my grandparents, and other branches of the family that I have never met. It was touching, and it kept her from being too sad for just a little while. But do not push the issue, and make it a chore.
We don't know the OP's wife, so none of us can make real suggestions about what to record or preserve, or how to go about that. Her feelings, and those of your kids, are what you need to think about. If she doesn't want to talk about her childhood, don't push it. If she does, and the kids don't want to hear it, don't push them to. Maybe you can get her to write about things, video blog about them, or just all sit around and talk and share. Yes, there are things that your kids may want to know later, but what ever you do, don't make this time with your wife into the equivalent of a childhood 8mm christmas film.
Unless 8mm christmas films are what your family enjoy. I, personally, don't care to watch my childhood as recorded on film. Gives me the creeps.
Re:Don't lose out on experiencing her life with he (Score:3, Interesting)
I have many memories of doing yard work with him or sitting on the back steps going over the financial pages of the newspaper. Probably one of the few four year olds who knew what a P/E ratio was -- knowledge that served me well in the dot com bubble, I might add.
I may not have a photo of him, but feel connected to him following the markets, doing maths or working in the yard.
Suggestions from my wife (Score:1, Interesting)
My wife is sick too, although she's not likely to die from this Thing any time soon. She was looking over my shoulder while I was reading this and came up with these suggestions for the girls as they grow up. First, can your wife make anything? Craft small things they can wear or carry, especially on their wedding day, like something to go on their wrist or on the dress. Maybe booties or blankets for grandchildren, that sort of thing. If she isn't a craft person, even buying one and then just adding something small to it to make it personal. Record her voice. Pictures will remain, but it's hard to remember the sound of her voice as she's telling that god awful joke she likes so much.
My best wishes and prayers to you and your girls as you go through this.
Re:Some ideas (Score:2, Interesting)
Yeah, I wanted to ask my grandmother on mothers side (weird stupid borked English language) about some memories from when they where young, though maybe I asked mostly about the gandfather. Anyway it never ended with me actually asking her but she rather wrote some stuff down. It was some but not all of course .. One of my grandfathers sisters is still alive so she could eventually give some more details, but who knows for how long. Both parents on my mothers side are dead.
On the other side I guess it doesn't really matter what happened in dead peoples lives, sadly.
I've talked some with my dad but I was younger then, didn't meet him as much as I should had done the last 10 years and since he died of in Alzheimers last November there won't be any more stories of his youth either.
My idea from the beginning was to let the laptop record the conversation to. Less work and everything gets caught.
In an unrelated event, but maybe something I share with many fellow Slashdotters, I sometimes wonder how life will become in a not too distant future. I'm 31, mom is 66, I've got a sister. Dad, both grantparents on my mothers side and grandfather on my fathers side are dead. His mother is above 85 I think so she will most likely not stay for long. I've got no friends, don't work, has never had a girlfriend. So I do wonder how empty life will be once the family is gone. Sure it usually end up being more lonely for everyone, but most often at 70+ or something such? And still with some children and such which may eventually visit or call you atleast sometime.
Should had meet my father more as said, but I knew that already back then, but it's hard to decide and get going and then there is the next day, and the next, ..
Would suck if the filming reminded of death though. Even though it can be good to think about it sometimes so you don't end up just wasting your time.
Re:Thoughts. (Score:3, Interesting)
Re:mod parent down (Score:3, Interesting)
Hmm, I'd probably make some kind of complicated puzzle (or set of puzzles) for her to solve, with a "map" leading to "some buried treasure." (I don't literally mean a treasure map to pirate gold. Too much chance the professional treasure hunters would get involved.)
Lot's of stuff written by me along the way, and just difficult enough that she'd be working on it for a while.
Obviously, the treasure should be something somewhat valuable but probably more for sentimental value than real money.
The fun is in the trip, not the destination. I guess I always dreamed of being Hari Seldon. [wikipedia.org] (Oh, and speaking of Seldon, probably you'd want some way to reveal steps to her over the years automatically if she started falling behind. Not sure how I'd do that.)
Now, my grandmother gave me my grandfather's beloved train set. Unfortunately, I got it way to young, and even if it hadn't been a problem for me I have a much younger sibling who went through a "Destroy Everything" phase. So that's just a regret.
Re:Some ideas (Score:2, Interesting)
I'm sorry for your situation. I do agree that it's important to not spend so much time archiving that you and your children spend her limited time and energy making new memories.
That said, all the digital technology in the world lacks something especially when you're only recording her in her terminal illness. A sketch artist can capture something that the photos can't.
leave messages for milestones. (Score:3, Interesting)
A friend of mine died nine years ago from colon cancer. She had a then 4-year old boy when she passed.
There were a handful of things that she did for her son that were pretty well received as he grew older.
She left letters or recordings for him at various milestones. Graduation. age 21. Age 25. Wedding. Etc. Nothing too specific, but things talking about how she hoped things turned out for him.
A recording of her singing Happy Birthday, that she gave him on CD. He played it every year until he was 12. After that, I don't know if he continued to play it, but it was a nice touchpoint for him as he grew older.
That's really about it. Too much stuff, I think, and the survivors have issues getting over the loss. And too much past stuff, and people seem to feel a little out of touch. It truly makes people think they were loved if their parent thinks about future events before the child even does.
That's all I have.
Re:film (Score:1, Interesting)
Digital image have their advantages. So does film.
In a hundred years all your digital copies will be gone as succeeding generations loose motivation to keep them. Maybe they would do the same with the film, but if it remained hidden in the back of a drawer somewhere it would still exist in a hundred years time. If the USB stick or hard drive was found in the back of a drawer in a hundred years time there would likely be no technology available to read it.
The simpler the technology the less reliant it is on... technology.