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Android Cellphones

Ask Slashdot: How Can I Prepare For the Theft of My Android Phone? 374

Posted by Unknown Lamer from the self-destruct-fuse dept.
New submitter Adam Jorgensen writes "Last week my 4-week old Moto G phone was stolen while getting onto the train at Salt River in Cape Town, South Africa. That in itself is no big deal. Cellphone theft is a huge problem here in South Africa and I've had at least two previous cellphones stolen. The big deal this time, for me at least, was that this was the first time I've lost an Android phone to theft. When I actually sat down and thought about it, losing a fully configured Android phone is actually a big deal as it provides ready access to all kinds of accounts, including ones Google account. This could potentially allow the thief to engage in all kinds of malicious behavior, some of which could have major implications beyond the scope of the theft.

Luckily for me it seems that the thief did the usual thing: Dumped the SIM card, wiped the phone, and switched it off. It's probably had its IMEI changed by now and been sold on to some oblivious punter, possibly some oblivious punter in another country. Still, the potential for serious issue is making me have second thoughts about replacing the phone with anything capable of doing much more than calling. My question is this: Are there any serious solutions out there for Android that secure against theft?"

He continues:

By serious I mean solutions that go beyond the laughably easy to defeat 'Find My Phone' and 'Remote Wipe' options provided at present. Presently I'm thinking along the lines of:

  • Full encryption of phone contents
  • Some kind of 'Travel Safe' mode that would lock the phone down and trigger a full wipe of not unlocked correctly (Including wiping the phone on next boot if not unlocked before being switched off/running out of battery).

So, any ideas?"
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Ask Slashdot: How Can I Prepare For the Theft of My Android Phone? More

Ask Slashdot: How Can I Prepare For the Theft of My Android Phone?

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  • Seriously? (Score:5, Informative)

    by LordLimecat ( 1103839 ) on Monday March 10, 2014 @08:14PM (#46451065)

    Encrypt the phone, and set a numeric PIN of 6 or more.

    Done and done.

    • Re:Seriously? (Score:5, Funny)

      by dfsmith ( 960400 ) on Monday March 10, 2014 @08:15PM (#46451077) Homepage Journal
      Thanks! I set my PIN to "7".

      • Re:Seriously? (Score:5, Funny)

        by K. S. Kyosuke ( 729550 ) on Monday March 10, 2014 @09:16PM (#46451473)
        You've set it awfully low, most phones these days go at least up to "11".

    • Re:Seriously? (Score:5, Informative)

      by LordLimecat ( 1103839 ) on Monday March 10, 2014 @08:15PM (#46451079)

      Followup, in case you dont know how to do that:
      http://www.howtogeek.com/14195... [howtogeek.com]
      Its been available for quite some time IIRC.

      • The major with built-in storage encryption for a smartphone is that it can't encrypt/decrypt on the fly, it's only encrypted when the phone is completely off. OTF encryption would be pretty incongruous to the functionality of a phone; the only way it would work would be with an asymmetrical encryption setup (yeah, try exchanging keys with your mom and see how that goes) or for it to demand your key to unlock with every call, SMS, notification, etc.

    • None of the things will protect against theft.

      The thief will still pick your pocket. When they get back to their evil lair, they will find it is password protected. If they try to break the protection (which is easy with the right tools) they will find it is encrypted. Then they will trash the device or perhaps attempt to sell it. For you it doesn't matter, your device is still stolen and must be replaced.

      There are tons of tools out there to make backups so restoration is easy on a new device. But your de

      • Re:Seriously? (Score:5, Insightful)

        by Anonymous Coward on Monday March 10, 2014 @08:55PM (#46451367)

        None of the things will protect against theft.

        The thief will still pick your pocket. When they get back to their evil lair, they will find it is password protected. If they try to break the protection (which is easy with the right tools) they will find it is encrypted. Then they will trash the device or perhaps attempt to sell it. For you it doesn't matter, your device is still stolen and must be replaced.

        There are tons of tools out there to make backups so restoration is easy on a new device. But your device is still stolen and must be replaced.

        Encryption has jack shit to do with recovering the hardware.

        Your data and personal information contained on the phone can be proven far more valuable and far more difficult to recover from if leaked.

        Neither of these facts belie your ignorance here. Use your damn head. Encryption helps mitigate a rather specific problem with phone theft.

      • Re:Seriously? (Score:5, Funny)

        by evenmoreconfused ( 451154 ) on Tuesday March 11, 2014 @07:39AM (#46453431)

        None of the things will protect against theft.

        No. The only way I know to do that is what I do: forget it at home every day.

    • Exactly, if the phones encrypted they're going to have to wipe it to use it. Ok, yea, if the NSA gets the phone, I'm sure they could guess the password eventually, but I doubt you're a political dissident or whatever. You could also get one of many programs that let you remotely control or locate your phone. Yes, if they turn it off you're not going to find it but at least you have a decent chance. The number of criminals that are smart enough to plan for such things are few and far between.

      • I doubt you're a political dissident or whatever.

        Well...

        • Haha. :)

        • Political dissidents are actually legal in South Africa, as long as they are peaceful (though many aren't). We are certainly not a functioning democracy, but this is one of the more progressive African Countries. We even have multiple political parties, and the giant struggle party that tends to rule African countries is losing some support.

          Back on topic, I quite like Samsmung's feature that lets me remote track and remote wipe the phone. I heard something about google or others providing such a service. Mi

    • Re:Seriously? (Score:5, Informative)

      by slashgordo. ( 2772763 ) on Monday March 10, 2014 @08:48PM (#46451331)
      After encrypting the phone with a good passwd/pin, go to all apps -> Google Settings app -> Android Device Manager, and enable "Remotely locate this device" and "Allow remote lock and erase". Then if it does get stolen, you can use the Device Manager app or https://www.google.com/android... [google.com] to find it or remotely wipe it. Then go to your Google account settings at https://security.google.com/se... [google.com] , select your device and "Revoke Access". If you used an application specific password for your Android device, go to https://accounts.google.com/b/... [google.com] and revoke it. Change your Google password. If you used 2-step verification, move the Google Authenticator to a different device, and re-seed the keys with a new QR code. It is scary how much important private stuff we keep on these portable smartphones, tablets, etc these days, and how screwed we could be if that falls into the wrong hands.

      • Re: (Score:2, Insightful)

        by CodeBuster ( 516420 )

        It is scary how much important private stuff we keep on these portable smartphones, tablets, etc these days, and how screwed we could be if that falls into the wrong hands.

        Maybe you shouldn't be putting your important private stuff on your phone?

    • Re: (Score:2)

      by Mashiki ( 184564 )

      Encrypt the phone, and set a numeric PIN of 6 or more.

      Done and done.

      Funny you suggest that, but as a trial a few years back on my android smart phone I did just what you suggested. I was easily able to bypass it by going into the developer menu and turning it off after doing a factory reset.

      • If you've done a factory reset, then the phone owner doesn't need to worry about their data anymore...

    • Re:Seriously? (Score:5, Informative)

      by mlts ( 1038732 ) on Tuesday March 11, 2014 @12:49AM (#46452389)

      Here is what I do to secure my Android device:

      1: Unlock the bootloader, flash a CM or custom ROM that doesn't sport crapware.

      2: Encrypt the device with a screen locker PIN 4+ digits. I personally use six for this, just for ease of typing.

      3: Use "su -c vdc cryptfs changepw foobar" to change the passphrase. This separates the passphrase Android asks for at boot versus the screen unlocker PIN. Of course, if you change the screen password, the cryptfs password will change, so you will need to use root and change it again, or use an app for this.

      The advantage of this method is that the boot password can be very secure, while the password to get past the screen locker can be easy to type in.

      4: Relock the bootloader. This forces someone to have to erase the data partition if they want to reflash.

      5: Install a third party security app like Cerberus or Lookout that can locate and remotely erase the device, or just sound a siren until the holder trashes it. Some utilities can go into /system and persist against wipes as well.

      6: If the device has a SD card, consider using an EncFS app to mount and store files under. This way, anything written is immediately encrypted.

      7: Use Titanium Backup Pro with encryption and saving to a remote cloud provider. TB's encryption is remarkably sane (it uses private/public key, so the passphrase is only needed on a restore), and storing copies of backups remotely means that data is still obtainable even if the phone is lost. It does require root though.

      8: Unless directly in use, keep USB and ADB completely off until needed.

      9: Use a utility that demands a PIN before various apps can launch, especially preferences and an app that pops up a console/shell window.

      10: Use a TRIM utility that runs in the background. This way, if the data isn't encrypted, it is not existing.

      These will help protect data on a phone. If stolen, the attacker would have a few guesses on the PIN before the device locks them out. A reboot will force the attacker against the full passphrase. A data wipe will still mean Cerebus or a security program is still in /system, forcing the thief to completely reflash the phone to a factory image (ensuring all is gone.)

      Of course, there is the physical hardware loss, which insurance might cover (Asurion for example), and stored data can be recovered via Titanium Backup. However, done right, an Android phone can be made decently resistant to theft or physical attacks.

      The reason why one should use a utility to PIN protect apps and app groups is that if the phone is swiped before the screen locker comes on (for example, out of the user's hands directly). That way, assuming preferences and other settings are secure, a thief has limited run on what is available on the phone.

  • For rooted phones there are both a variety of backup options and variety of stolen phone options all of which you can locate in the Play store, or which can be found by simple Google search, since the options are discussed endlessly with their pros and cons on every major Android forum.

    For unrooted phones, you can still fully encrypt, and still backup -- although not fully. How painless the recovery is will come down to how much you trust and buy into online services. Your Candy Crush progress is going to

    • > if you decided to integrate with Facebook, or if you've got your tinfoil set to max.

      Given Facebook's long history of privacy violations, I do believe there's a *few* steps on the dial between those options...

  • Laughably Easy? (Score:5, Interesting)

    by noh8rz10 ( 2716597 ) on Monday March 10, 2014 @08:19PM (#46451125)

    Citation needed for the "laughably easy to defeat 'Find My Phone' and 'Remote Wipe' options". How are these laughably easy to defeat? Do tell. Also iphones have a kill switch installed, so they can't be wiped and reused. Compare this to your android solution of asking slashdot. I await more information.

    • Re:Laughably Easy? (Score:4, Informative)

      by gnasher719 ( 869701 ) on Monday March 10, 2014 @08:22PM (#46451161)
      Well, there was huge discussion a week ago how to defeat it. Take a stolen iPhone, wait for your mum to die, take iPhone, death certificate and will to the Apple Store... and damn, they still don't unlock it for you!
    • It's as simple as: Power down device, remove battery, remove SIM, do not re-connect to wifi hotspots. All of which can be done by anybody in less than 45 seconds. If the battery is non-removable? Power down, remove SIM, don't use wifi. Find my phone and remote wipe are pretty much a big hilarous joke if the theif know how to handle phones.

      • And getting past the PIN? And how useful would an iPhone be without Wi-Fi/Cellular Internet connectivity?

        You can't even restore the firmware without it verifying with Apple. Unless it is an old model that can be defeated offline, it would be more valuable for spare parts.

      • Re: (Score:2)

        by LocalH ( 28506 )

        Good luck restoring iOS to that device and making it usable as anything other than a stylish paperweight, if it was running iOS 7 and had Find my iPhone enabled.

      • It's as simple as: Power down device, remove battery, remove SIM, do not re-connect to wifi hotspots. All of which can be done by anybody in less than 45 seconds. If the battery is non-removable? Power down, remove SIM, don't use wifi. Find my phone and remote wipe are pretty much a big hilarous joke if the theif know how to handle phones.

        iPhones wipe themselves unless the correct PIN or fingerprint is entered. I think you get 5 tries.

        So congrats. You've powered it down and kept it off networks. As soon as you power it back on you're still stuck on the lock screen.

        Actually, that's not true. You can unstuck it. If you take it online and let it talk Apple...

      • It's as simple as: Power down device, remove battery, remove SIM, do not re-connect to wifi hotspots.

        Why work so hard? Just turn on airplane mode.

        Of course, if the phone is password-locked, getting the data from it requires some hardware and software knowledge. If it's also encrypted and the password is a good one, the data is safe.

    • Citation needed for the "laughably easy to defeat 'Find My Phone' and 'Remote Wipe' options". How are these laughably easy to defeat?

      It depends on how the user's phone is set up.

      If the phone is not password-protected, it's laughably easy: put the phone in airplane mode. As long as the thief does that before the owner can get to a web browser, the thief can peruse the data on the phone at leisure.

      If the phone is password-protected but not encrypted, it's a little tougher. Airplane mode still blocks "Find my Phone" and "Remote Erase", but actually getting at the data is harder. If the thief can't guess the password within a few tries t

      • Note that I only mentioned passwords. Android offers other authentication options, including face unlock, pattern and PIN (arbitrary-length numeric password) as well as alphanumeric password. Encryption requires PIN or password. Face unlock is convenient (once sufficiently well-trained), but not very secure; lots of random people will be able to unlock your phone and pattern is moderately good if you use a complex pattern and make a habit of wiping the screen clean, at least enough to smear out any pattern trails.

        iPhone also has alphanumeric passwords and fingerprint password too.

  • Cerberus (Score:5, Informative)

    by iviv66 ( 1146639 ) on Monday March 10, 2014 @08:20PM (#46451129) Homepage
    I use Cerberus. It's available on the store: https://play.google.com/store/... [google.com] Though if you download it direct from their website then you can flash it straight into the ROM, meaning that even if someone does a factory wipe on your phone it will still be installed and you can remote into it: https://www.cerberusapp.com/do... [cerberusapp.com] With it installed, you register your phone on the website, then sign into your account on the phone. From there you can carry out all sorts of commands, including GPS tracking, location history, call and SMS logs. You can even call or message the phone, get it to display messages, record audio, video, take pictures, all sorts. And finally you can wipe the SD card, wipe the phone, or reboot it. I don't remember how much it cost, but it was only a couple of pounds. I've never had my phone stolen yet, but I occasionally log into the site to check that everything is working and it always does what I want it to, so I've had no complaints with it.
  • You could treat all your lost info as if it were a stolen credit card, but the folks capable of hacking the phone and private particulars are statistically unlikely to be grabbing them from folks on the subway.

    It's not even necessary to find a black market for them since several well-publicized used phone brokers will purchase late model phones for up to $200 US.

    I would hire a credit watch company to eyeball my credit inquiries for a year or two, and even that'll get your card suspended if you enter the

  • Root, Push Whatever (Score:3, Informative)

    by sexconker ( 1179573 ) on Monday March 10, 2014 @08:29PM (#46451205)

    Don't store important shit on your phone.
    When your shit gets stolen, just change the passwords to any accounts it was authorized to.
    Don't be one of those idiots who uses 2-factor authentication with one of those RSA hash clock apps on their phone. You'll just end up locking yourself out of shit when you lose your phone.

    Encrypting your phone does nothing because you decrypt it every time you power it on, and you always have your phone on, don't you?
    Passwords / locks will stop casual thieves from getting in, but they don't want in - they just want to sell the phone.
    Passwords / locks will NOT stop thieves who want your information. If your info is worth enough to be targeted it's worth enough for a 0-day bounty. (And with Android you don't even need that - it's likely to be a 6+ month old bug that your manufacturer / carrier never patched / pushed out the patch for).

    You may as well ask how to make sure your car can't be stolen. Can't win, don't try. Just minimize the impact.

    • Encrypting your phone does nothing because you decrypt it every time you power it on, and you always have your phone on, don't you?

      But the first thing any thief will do is turn it off by pulling the battery, so it can't be located. When they next power it on, that encryption might help.

  • Buy a "Hello Kitty" wrist strap. That way you can prevent your phone from being stolen in the first place.

    If you want everything encrypted: Sorry, you can't have that.

    • Re: (Score:2)

      by sphealey ( 2855 )

      Unfortunate when the thieves cut your hand off to get the phone though.

      sPh

      • Unfortunate when the thieves cut your hand off to get the phone though.

        sPh

        They could always cut your hand off anyway.

      • Re: (Score:2)

        by mark-t ( 151149 )
        Violent crime is not a typical use case scenario that accompanies cell phone theft, which by itself is almost always a crime of opportunity.

    • Re: (Score:3, Funny)

      by freeze128 ( 544774 )
      Buy a .44 Magnum. That way you can prevent your phone from being stolen in the first place, and not look like a complete fool.

    • If you want everything encrypted: Sorry, you can't have that.

      Sure you can. All Android versions from Gingerbread (IIRC) forward support full device encryption, using dm-crypt. Of course, it's only as strong as your password, so you have to trade off convenience against security.

  • Physical security? (Score:3)

    by Reckless Visionary ( 323969 ) * on Monday March 10, 2014 @08:39PM (#46451263)
    What are you doing with your phone that makes it possible that you've had 3 stolen from you? Are these thefts physically violent? I just can't imagine, for myself, that it would be super-easy to get my phone from inside my pocket or out of my hand without violence.

    • Re:Physical security? (Score:4, Informative)

      by baka_toroi ( 1194359 ) on Monday March 10, 2014 @09:00PM (#46451395) Journal
      It seems Lady Luck has bestowed you with the privilege of being born in a first-world country. Good for you!
      • As someone who has traveled quite a bit in so-called third-world countries, I was also wondering how it is that he's getting so many phones stolen. No it's not impossible (or hard) to stop yourself from being pick-pocketed in poor countries.

        If the thief wasn't threatening him with violence, he could probably solve his problem by keeping his phone in a zipped pocket when he's not using it.
      • He asked a reasonable question and you respond with... being holier than thou? Condescending? Patronizing? I'm not quite sure what the specific term is, but you're being shitty and for no good reason. Jerk. And whoever modded you +1 informative is whatever you would call your specific brand of being shitty online but isn't even being original.

      • Re:Physical security? (Score:4, Insightful)

        by puto ( 533470 ) on Monday March 10, 2014 @11:39PM (#46452187) Homepage
        Really, I am Colombian citizen and Colombia is a country where people tend to steal your shoes if they are not tied tightly to your feet. Third world denizens tend to carry their expensive equipment in their hands as a show of wealth, and they get marked and the phones are easily stolen. I lived on and off in Colombia for years with expensive phones and never got them stolen. Why? I do not use them on the bus, the bar, or in the street. Stop using your smartphone as a status symbol in public.

        • For a lot of people in first-world countries, I doubt they see their phone as much of a status symbol anymore (perhaps a few years ago this was the case, but now when everyone has an iPhone or decent smartphone, the allure of exclusivity kinda disappears) and hence they just use their phone like any other device and don't think too much about it. However in a place like Colombia, a tourist used to having their phone our or easily visible/accessible isn't necessarily aware of how damn poor the environment th

        • Re:Physical security? (Score:4, Interesting)

          by mjwx ( 966435 ) on Tuesday March 11, 2014 @02:47AM (#46452679)

          Really, I am Colombian citizen and Colombia is a country where people tend to steal your shoes if they are not tied tightly to your feet. Third world denizens tend to carry their expensive equipment in their hands as a show of wealth, and they get marked and the phones are easily stolen. I lived on and off in Colombia for years with expensive phones and never got them stolen. Why? I do not use them on the bus, the bar, or in the street. Stop using your smartphone as a status symbol in public.

          This,

          It doesn't matter how wealthy the country is, most people get their phones stolen through carelessness. There may be fewer thieves in a somewhere like London or New York compared to Bogata or Medellin, but they're still there and they're still looking for the same thing, an easy mark. The standards are different, everyone and their dog has their phone out in New York or London so they look for the ones that are drunk and alone, of course people do get their phones snatched in public but because everyone walks around with their phones out, they think that it wont be them (and act so surprised when it happens to them).

          This is why a lot of first worlder's get stuff stolen when they go to developing nations, they've never lived in a place where you have to be on your guard, where your phone will get stolen if you wander around with it.

          I've had a grand total of three things stolen from me in my travels, all due to carelessness on my part but fortunately, nothing that has cost me much to replace.

    • Re: (Score:2)

      by gerf ( 532474 )
      "Cellphone theft is a huge problem here in South Africa" is an understatement. Theft and rape are so common in SA that it's just appalling. Forth percent of women in SA will be raped in their lives, and 1/4 men admit being rapists. I think stolen cell phones are the least of their worries... http://www.frontpagemag.com/20... [frontpagemag.com]
  • Android already features full device encryption, you've just got to turn it on. Keep in mind that not all OEMs support the feature, CyanogenMod and most AOSP derivitaves do. There's currently no self-destruct option should the pattern/pin lock be entered wrong X number of times, though I'm surprised Google hasn't implimented one as of yet.

  • Public kiosk (Score:5, Insightful)

    by pla ( 258480 ) on Monday March 10, 2014 @08:44PM (#46451289) Journal
    Simple answer: Treat your phone/tablet as only slightly more trusted than logged in from a semi-public PC, such as at a library.

    I pretty much only log in to anything from my Android tablet via a browser in private browsing mode / incognito. I can then do everything through the browser that TFS' author presumably uses pre-logged-in native apps to do. Email, IM, cloud storage... I use them all, I just don't have my device set up to one-click root-my-life.

    I don't even bother with a password on the thing - It wastes more of my time than that of a potential thief. If someone nabs it, hey, they get a few gigs of music (that I have backups of) and a $50 (replacement value - they don't tend to age well) tablet. Woo-hoo.

    • I don't even bother with a password on the thing - It wastes more of my time than that of a potential thief. If someone nabs it, hey, they get a few gigs of music (that I have backups of) and a $50 (replacement value - they don't tend to age well) tablet. Woo-hoo.

      That's one approach, but I think on balance you're wasting more of your time with your approach. You don't have to enter passwords to unlock the device, but you do every time you want to do anything other than use media already on the tablet. The everything pre-logged-in approach is extremely convenient, and if you put a semi-decent password on it no ordinary thief is going to get into it. If you put a good password on it and enable encryption no one is going to get into it.

  • so...not AFTER theft, but before: 1. wear a watch. that's how you check the time. don't flash your phone. 2. look around Before looking at your screen. really that simple. 3. finally, carry a dead one. give them that one. they only expect you to have ONE.
  • Detonate automatically when the phone for a given period of time can't contact the wireless HW token you have on yourself.
    • With a minimal 5-meters blast radius. You will lose your phone, but will remove an asshole thief from the face of earth.
    • Nice. Except when you leave the phone in the car while you go in to pay for the gas and grab a pack of gum.
  • I thought IMEI could not be changed. Is it possible here because on a smartphone everything is software defined?

    • Re:IMEI change (Score:5, Informative)

      by tlambert ( 566799 ) on Tuesday March 11, 2014 @02:54AM (#46452703)

      I thought IMEI could not be changed. Is it possible here because on a smartphone everything is software defined?

      You can generally do this, if you are super technically inclined, and have the right tools for the phone in question. In almost every case, you have to defeat the security on the baseband firmware, because it's embedded as part of the firmware in what's called a "seczone" (contains security data for the phone, which is cryptographically signed, including the carrier lock and IMEI).

      Most of the work required to rewrite the IMEI is not actually done by people attempting to be able to rewrite the IMEI; instead, the purpose is to be able to rewrite the carrier lock which happens to be in the same area, so if you have the source code for the tools, or know how to use IDA Pro and read and modify assembly language, you can convert the tool.

      This is basically true of almost every Samsung baseband chip firmware, since it has a buffer overflow attack that works against the cryptographic signature check, and then - game over. This is how the Sony, Samsung, and original iPhones carrier lock was busted. For other phones, you can buffer overflow the firmware by using a specially designed chip that pretends it's a SIM chip, and buffer overflows the baseband from the other side of things, rather than from application space. It's probably worth my while to not go into too much detail here.

      A non-stupid company that wanted to disincentivize that level of hacking on the baseband - said hacking also being an effective means of modifying the radio tables for the SDR (Software Defined Radio) - would put the carrier lock up in application space, rather than putting it in the baseband firmware in the first place. Most companies, Apple included, have been pretty stupid about their carrier lock implementations, though.

      So yeah, the tools exist, mostly because of carrier lock, and the implementation details for the carrier lock being in a stupid location that makes the IMEI rewrite an easy opportunistic target.

  • Step 1 change gmail password.
    Step 2 realize you were dumb for not setting a lock screen code.
    Step 3 - buy unlocked Moto X used on ebay for $260 and keep it in your front pocket next time.

  • Solve the problem at the source (Score:5, Funny)

    by thegarbz ( 1787294 ) on Monday March 10, 2014 @10:47PM (#46451987)

    There's a few simple steps to follow to prevent phone theft in the first place:

    Step 1: Wear gloves at all times
    Step 2: Put a non-conductive silicon case on your phone
    Step 3: Slip phone into pocket
    Step 4: Charge up a 400V 10uF capacitor and slip it into your pocket, leads up (now you see the need for gloves).

    Then you play a simple game.

    1 point for a loud scream on public transit.
    10 points for a loud scream followed by self injury while attempting to run away.
    100 points if the thief had a pre-existing heart condition.
    1000 points for a girl in the vicinity mistaking the agony with simple surprise of your well equipped package and offering to "take you now" right there on the train.

  • You have 2 choices. 1, wait for the moron to take a selfie that auto-uploads to your instagram.
    2. self destruct button with a significant amount of C4 (plus phone insurance)

  • Simple (Score:4, Funny)

    by antifoidulus ( 807088 ) on Monday March 10, 2014 @11:23PM (#46452125) Homepage Journal
    Set your background to a really attractive but clothed female to make them think that's the owner of the phone. Then put an app on your phone(displayed in a prominent place) that says "my hot nude pics" that when launched, wipes your phone. Done!

  • First, try not to get too attached to your Android. This can not be stressed enough as it is the absolute most important out of all the steps. Getting attached may feel right at first, but will make separation far more painful for all parties involved later. Despite how you feel about your Android now, the truth is it's highly unlikely you will never get an upgrade.

    Secondly, set a lock screen message addressing the new owner of your phone. Try not to make it too bitter sounding, or you will never see your Android again. Leaving your name and address, and times that you are typically at home is not recommended. Instead use something along the lines of, "Please take good care of my Android." Wishing the thief and your ex Android both happiness is a good idea, but you will have to see that message periodically which could lead to separation anxiety or a self fulfilling over the air update.

    Third, try to be sensitive to clues that your Android may be about to go missing. If your Android is acting up, freezes giving you the cold shoulder after receiving certain gestures, refuses to listen when you speak to it, suggests things in a mocking way, interrupts you while talking to someone you spend (too much) time with, or just can't make it through the day without a little "boost", these are signs that your relationship with your Android may soon be Terminated.

    Additionally, try your best to be a good person. Be aware that your Android is aware of almost everything you do down to the slightest touch or subtle tilt of your head. Thus, mistrust between you and your Android is a sure-fire recipe for disaster. Your android can hear those things you whisper under your breath after ending a call -- it senses how you act towards others you have contacts with. Performing acts of kindness towards others will reduce the chances that your Android will inexplicably leave your company, and can increase the chances of reuniting with your Android after an affair with a thief. If you are reunited after a separation, it will be up to you to decide if you can ever really trust your Android again; Unfortunately, one must beware of viruses...

    Finally, if things do not work out with your Android, do not despair. New models with more desirable features and stronger vibration functions will be available soon. Never damage your Android on purpose as this can lead to an immediate break-up, and may cause you harm as well. If you voluntarily end a relationship with an Android, return it to an authorized recycling centre so that it may be refurbished. Remember, if an Android doesn't bring you happiness, it may have been meant for someone else in the first place.

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