Where Can Geeks Meet Mates? 37
iamsure asks: "Allright, although it sounds hilarious, it is an honest question. I don't drink (alcohol), and like most geeks, my dancing is horrid. Thus, I don't do the bar scene. I work at a rather professional company where dating isnt appropriate, and even if I decided to ignore that, everyone I have daily contact with is married. I generally get out about an hour a day for fun. Where does the average slashdotter meet a mate?" For those of you out there who have answered this question for yourself, what did you do? I find that most Geeks involved in careers need to get out and be social. Typically many of us make our jobs our lives and it's not easy to meet people when we're tired after working 12 hours and a 90 minute commute. Many of you may have to make the time to get out and meet new people otherwise you might find your social life non-existant. Now if I could only take my own advice as well as I can give it...
Where to meet a Geek Girl, (Score:1)
Well you know us Geek Girls get pretty lonely too and for a laugh (or say we say;)) sometimes we go to places like www.lovecity.com or similar and look for the adverts that 'stand out' Notably the ones that DON'T say things like have own house and car and would like to meet bubbly blonde! I would also advise checking out the female ads and go for the ones that DON'T say things like want man with own house and car. I reckon Geek girls like something a bit different and unusual and so if there is something 'different' about the ads i'd say your chances are increased! Thats what i think anyway... or maybe this just applies to me?? !
keep an open mind (Score:1)
Maybe by actively *looking* for a partner/mate you're closing your mind to the opportunities that stare you in the face?
Not in the US (Score:2)
Import them (Score:1)
Look at any of the results from this [google.com] search at Google. Probably not much different than any other dating service, but it would have the added expense and hassel of foreign travel and bringing a foreign national into the country. But, they probably don't have the inherent(sp?) head-up-ass bitchiness that many Am. women posses and are probably better educated.
Otherwise, just pour all your energy into your work and ignore the opposite sex. Your computers don't complain when you get home late from work and are in general easier to deal with.
Note: I met my wife during a summer job as the maintenance dept for a small town while in high school. She was laying out trying to get a tan in the back yard and her dog attacked me as I walked by on the sidewalk on the way to mow the park. We broke up soon after she moved away and I was in college. Years later, she called me for my 25th birthday and we soon got back together. I jumped at the chance because she was the only woman to have ever had anything to do with me. Unfortunately, I assumed she was the same as she was in HS, and there's been lots of rough spots ever since. I didn't realize how prophetic a co-workers words 'You are 25, enjoy it. Life goes to hell from here on out' would be. I should have chosen option #2.
Re:Salsa lessons (Score:2)
I believe a geek friend of mine met the woman that would later become his wife at a dance class. I think he said the instructor paired up the people who didn't have partners and they hit it off. It wasn't salsa (Country), but you are probably correct in that probably any style would work.
Re:Supermarkets (Score:2)
I've heard this before, but I wonder how well it works. The last thing I usually want to do while shopping is to start talking to a complete stranger in the frozen food isle.
Re:coffee houses and bookstores (Score:3)
That's assuming that he is the type that can make friends easily and can strike up cordial converstations with complete strangers. Many geeks are introverts and are quite possibly intimidated by members of the opposite sex due to fear of rejection, being laughed at, 'you're too smart for me, go away!'*, etc. Many times this can be due to thinking about and over analysing the situation. For these guys, the women have to approach them because they won't.
* - actually happened to me in a club. The woman asked where I worked, and that was the response I got....so much for wanting nice intelligent guys. I should have pretended to be a dumb jerk, but I'm not a good actor/liar either.
Re:Don't go looking for a mate - pay someone else (Score:2)
Be very careful when looking into matchmaking services. Many of them are ethical, good businesses, but some of them (Great Expectations comes to mind) will simply take your money and provide little more than photo albums for you to look at.
Re:coffee houses and bookstores (Score:2)
School is a good place if you can tolerate school.
E
Find a comfortable environment (Score:3)
Examples?
- Bookstore. Everybody says this, but personally I never had it work. These days you can find an excuse for wandering around the store for a long time. When you see somebody you like, who happens to be in a section you know, sidle up near him/her to look at something different. When he/she picks up a book you know, offer a comment. See what happens. (I actually had this done to me once when I walked into a bookstore wearing a "Tao of Pooh" shirt. Two girls came over and asked me to explain it.)
- Pool hall? A little harder if you don't like drinking since most of them are in bars. But you'll certainly see lots of members of the opposite sex. (I asked out a regular waitress at my regular place . She said no. But at least I got a chance to ask.)
- Theatre. This is a little different, since you don't go to theatre to meet people. But, if you're experienced at going to theatre, then you have something to talk about when you need to come up with a date idea in a hurry. Example:
I can confirm that one works -- three years later I married her.
Remember to ask yourself how geeky you want to get. That's why I threw the theatre in there. There's no rule that says geeks can only meet at sci-fi conventions. If you're a geek that happens to also like cars you might find a mate at a car show.Wrong Type of Mate? (Score:2)
Think about it, you want a geek mate and females who like Anime, 72 hour LAN parties and debating about the relative merits of software licenses are pretty hard to come by. But if you look for a male all of a sudden the odds are in your favour. Look at Slashdot, something like 300,000 users, the vast majority of which are geek males.
Now I know what you're thinking, "I'm not gay, and even if I were, that still leaves the matter of finding another gay male in a fairly homophobic society (geek society, not society at large)?" Well as other posters have suggested don't go looking for a mate, just a friend, and as it's a well documented fact that six beers is all it takes [silverlake-2000.com] to become homosexual you never know what could happen.
Plus you'd find Will & Grace so much funnier.
real stories always help. (Score:1)
i recommend living with/hanging out with non-geeks as well as geeks.
i find that geeks boys tend to sync better with non-geek girls. my comp sci crew all are dating non-geeks.
a sense of humour has been the attribute that girls comment on the most.
to support insectk's comment, girls tend to shy away from guys that are on the prowl, just be respectful and she'll be more open to conversation.
good luck all, being lonely is hard, we've all been there.
Don't sweat it (Score:2)
Do you like handing out in bars?
Apparently not.
Do you want to end up with someone who's idea of a good time is, well, hanging out in bars?
I'd assume not.
So why do something you don't like & look for someone in a bar? Don't do it!
Yes, you do need to get out of the house to find somebody, but hey, getting out of the house should be fun anyway -- right? So, what do you like doing? Hanging out in computer shops & bookstores? All you have to do is find some place that you like spending time at, preferably one that has a mixed clientele (unless that isn't what you're looking for -- that's cool too), and start paying friendly, courteous attention to any of the regulars that you find interesting. Chances aren't bad that you'll hit it off with someone.
In a recent post [slashdot.org] (which I won't bother re-pasting here), I described a really cool "bar" that I visited in Auburn, Alabama. It had a great atmosphere -- you could get a beer or a coffee, a sandwich or a bagel. They had used books that you were free to read & buy, and comfortable furniture (chairs, tables, benches, lazy chairs, etc) that you were free to move around as you please. There were plans to install PCs with web browsers for the customers to play around with, and they would have little indie rock bands play there from time to time. The one & only time I got to go visit there, I was in heaven. A place like this would have been a great place for someone like me to meet, well, someone a little bit like me.
Maybe that's not your idea of fun at all, but that's alright. Somewhere out there is a place that should be more to your liking, and the people that go there are probably people at least a little bit like you. Maybe that place is a local $tech Users Group (Linux, Perl, Mac, Be, whatever). Maybe it's somewhere on a local college campus. Maybe it's someone's home. I dont know -- you have to find out.
Just get up, get away from Slashdot for a few weekends, and start looking! ;)
Don't go looking for a mate (Score:2)
Disclaimer: I'm not one to talk. I met my geek mate on the net. :-)
Having said that, whatever you do, don't go looking for a mate. That will put unnecessary baggage on any relationships you do have. Do what some of the others here have suggested, but do it to enjoy the company of people, especially of people of the preferred sex. Relationships will develop naturally if they're meant to happen.
Re:Don't go looking for a mate - pay someone else (Score:2)
I don't doubt it. Have you ever had a lasting relationship with any of them, though?
I've never known of any long-term committed relationships which started with a dating service. My experience may be limited in that regard, though.
The best long-term relationships start without this baggage. My wife and I fall in and out of love all the time, and our relationship goes in cycles of being "interested" and "not interested". But we're always best friends. That's what keeps us together.
Three Letters :-) (Score:1)
Re:Yahoo chat (Score:1)
That was last summer, we are still going out and we see each other every few weeks, it is not an ideal situation but it is more than worth it for her!
I have to agree on the two above points, the first one about going to meet people at bars never worked out for me, the only people I found at the kind of place I was going only wanted one night stands and I wanted more, it was just not going to work that way.
Also the point on dating geeks is true, well I know I could never stand a geek, I know what the competiton is like between me and my friends, I hate to think what it would be like between me and a geek g/f. My current g/f is an arty person and we get along great because we can discuss each others areas of interests and it is always exciting to learn about something new.
Well, I hope you find the perfect person for you man, and the same goes out to everyone out there, I know I have! (Love you Soph).
coffee houses and bookstores (Score:3)
or movie places (the art houses and dinner theaters) or libraries or college classes or ... basically any place where the intellectual pursuits in life are being practiced.
Keep in mind that your potential SO may not be a "geek" in the stringing-cat5-and-playing-quake sense, but if they are intellectual people then at least you have something to build a relationship on (that being good conversations and other intellectual stimulation; my fiancee has taught me all sorts of cool language and culture and history things, and in turn she's learned stuff from me like regular expressions, the foundation of a relationship is not what you get from it but what you give, but that's another topic). Remember to be yourself, don't do something "just becuase chicks dig it". That way when you do meet the person of your dreams, you'll genuinely have something in common.
But mainly, dude, make more than an hour a day into free time. No person is really going to fit into that sort of schedule, and no job is worth that much time.
(All these comments to be taken with a grain of salt, I'd be the last person to claim perfection in heart-related matters.)
--
News for geeks in Austin: www.geekaustin.org [geekaustin.org]
Clubs (Score:1)
Do you have any non-geek interests? Or is there any activity (anything at all) you've ever wanted to try? There are clubs and interest groups for almost any activity you'd care to name. Join one.
The nice things about clubs are that the are group activities, there is usually a mix of people types (from fanatics to those who are just causually interested in the activity). This gives you the chance to meet quite a few people.
some ideas are:
Universitys and colleges often have a "clubs" list with contact info check it out.
On a related note: Many universitys and colleges have departments that traditionally have a very high girl to guy ratio (nursing, teaching, etc). These departments often have open activities that you can attend to meet women.
Userfriendly Peer to Peer (Score:1)
Re:call me sad... (Score:1)
Doomed to failure (Score:3)
My idea ;) (Score:1)
The internet (Score:1)
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Yahoo chat (Score:1)
The following year she returned here (last October, in fact) and we got married and she's still here of course.
So, Yahoo chat. Never had to get out of my chair! *tee hee*
Re:Yahoo chat (Score:2)
It occurs to me that my little story is a practical example of "be yourself" and "stick to what you know." If I went to a bar hoping to "meet someone", I would end up meeting someone who is a bar person. Not compatible. By being myself and sticking to what I know, I met someone who is compatible with me and who has sufficiently similar interests that things work out just fine for us.
I think that if you try to impress someone then you are likely making a mistake. You can't (or at least, shouldn't have to try) to live a "front" 24 hours per day.
10 Minute Dating (Score:1)
I just did my first one of these yesterday, and it went fairly well. Although I didn't meet someone that I thought, "Wow, this is the one!", it was still meeting people. It's low pressure because you're only committed for 10 minutes, and there's no mixed signals ("Yes" or "No" is pretty unambiguous). And no, I don't know how I fared; keep your fingers crossed for me Slashdot!
Another note: my conversations tended towards chit-chat ("what did you do this weekend?"). If I were to do it again (which I probably will, unless something magically comes of this), I would steer the conversation towards slightly more weighty topics. I never asked anyone "What is important to you?" I would probably ask that of each of the next 10 people I date for 10 minutes.
Swing Dancing (Score:1)
Shameless plug: If you're in the SF Bay Area, Paul and Sharon [paulandsharon.com] give excellent classes with a relatively young crowd (mid 20's to mid 40's). However, they only do Lindy. You can also try the Metronome [metronomeballroom.com], they give a variety of classes.
Geek Night (Score:1)
Salsa lessons (Score:1)
When I went, this was always a problem - usually some women there would have to dance with each other, taking turns being the man
What is so cool about salsa is that it is (at least here in Europe) becoming popular, so even at some discos they will put on salsa tunes. If you know the steps, then you can use them to most kinds of music, which is not techno. Also with the Ricky Martin/Julio Iglasias trend on the rise, this is a great investment of time.
-Kraft
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as the "found" female mate of a male geek ... (Score:4)
my geek and i actually did meet at a bar, but it was a rather unique situation. i was working in this small town jazz bar this particular night, and the geek that became my sweetie on/off for the past now 7 years (yikes) was my customer.
what he did right the night we met:
-he did not exhibit any obessesion with my body or try any cheesey pick up lines.
-he was there a) alone, and b) clearly interested in the rather talented quartet on stage and getting some leftover office work finished. I felt far more at ease interacting with him (as the anonymous customer) because he was not "on the prowl" (as far as i could tell.) in fact he said very little except for his inital order - guiness, coffee and water.
anyways, when he came up to pay the check, he asked me if i'd like to go to lunch. usually the wary waitress, i was taken off guard and said yes. and i am very, very glad i did.
now, we live together in san francisco and I've never been happier.
how this scenario may be useful to other intelligent intellectuals looking to perhaps meet women they'd enjoy hanging out with:
-women don't need to know your resume or vesting date when they first meet you. to intelligent women, these things are of very little significance in relation to your personality and intellect.
-we're also not as hung up on appearance as many men seem to think. smart women very rarely date attractive but stupid men. (disclaimer, my geekie sweetie is lucky enough to both amazingly intelligent and kind, AND quite a cutie.)
-however, grooming does matter. manicures or designer labels are not necessary, but remember to apply deoderant and brush your teeth. haircuts help too but are less important.
-when it comes down to it, smart women wish for many of the same things smart men do, someone to hold intelligent conversation with, someone to watch weird movies with (even if those movies turn out to be things like Babycart of death or Rollerball.) and a little sweet lovin never hurt anybody.
as far as geographic locations, all the postings here contain good advice. bookstores (i've been followed by at least 2 or 3 guys every time i try to buy a web architecture book from the technical books section) (and i would have resonded if they talked to me because i could tell what it was in me that they were interested in and it wasn't t&a.) if you see someone buying your favorite author, it might be okay to say, hey, that's a great book you've got there!
art openings and museums are also great neutral forums to open up interesting conversations with people.
please do be aware that smart women, especially those who hold a general appeal to the males of our species by having a pretty face, nice body, etc., may be very wary about being hit on. when you meet someone you like, act on it, but act with a certain amount of reserve. the first time you meet a women, compliment her conversation rather than telling her she has beautiful eyes. smart women really appreciate substantive compliments.
in closing, i wish much luck to all you intelligent, hard-working men out there. women are not the alien creatures we may sometimes seem to be. and just because some of us will occasionally hold twenty minute conversations on lipstick and shoes, that doesn't mean those same women would turn down an opportunity to learn something new about physics, the latest RAM development and why it matters, or even what type of food you like or where you grew up.
i like to think my geekie sweetie is one smart lucky guy, same as i see myself as one smart, lucky liberal arts major.
there are no hard and fast rules of human interaction, but you're smart guys. learn what you can, and be open in all situations to learning more.
6eeks and women (Score:4)
Pink slip parties
Copyright/Patent courts
Napster protests
Consoling women after a school shooting
Workplace (make sure she signs an NDA though)
Get out a bit more often. Sure its hard when you have a ton of work, but its also healthy for one to socialize more, so take next Friday off for once this past decade, and go out and enjoy yourself. Else you could always logon to www.virtualfindadate.com and pretend your having fun.
Re:Where to meet a Geek Girl, (Score:1)
My $0.02 (Score:1)
I'm as much a geek as the next guy, and I think I can safely say that I'm just average on most counts. I didn't let this keep me from finding the "right woman" and marrying her. In my case, I found her by talking one night to a former coworker of mine who was taking classes at a small Christian college. I asked if she knew anyone--and of course the answer was "no". She did, however, have a roommate in a bad relationship. It was the last day of finals, and I emailed Heather (my wife) a marriage proposal making liberal use of Song of Solomon (in the Bible--great romance reading). Sure, Heather laughed histerically at first. But it didn't take long and we really hit it off, and three years later we were married. Perty cool.
Now, I wouldn't recommend this type of solution to others--though if it works for you let me know. Instead, regardless of what you do, be original--and if you can't even do that right, be funny. Heck--I even once picked up a clerk at a department store by just saying "hey--how would you like to go out tonight?" Granted, I dated her for three months and she was psycho--but at least I wasn't lonely.
Finally, think about getting involved with a group that includes an interest of yours--but try to not let it be your day job. Skiing, rollerblading and church are a few of my things. Snow bunnies are cool, but blading chicks have even better thigh muscles (yeah, I'm a guy at heart). Church "singles" groups are usually designed so that you can meet mates. These types of activities are sure to help you in your search.
GOOD LUCK!!!
It's becoming more and more common... (Score:2)
I certainly wouldn't recommend this to everyone. It's a bit risky in that you don't really know who/what you're talking to online. In our experience, though, spending those years having to communicate with ICQ, email, telephone, we a) learned things about each other tht we might not have learned had we been "face to face" and b) learned to truly communicate with each other verbally. I don't think I can express how important a skill that is in a marriage!
Sidenote of interest: in 1999, the INS (Immigration and Naturalization Service) had to completely revamp their computer system nationwide due to the overwhelming number of people who were meeting online, getting married and just happened to be from different countries.
Anyway, that's just the experience of one geek (who doesn't drink, dance or attend church *grin*) I wish you luck!
Jennifer
call me sad... (Score:1)
Another good place for meeting folks is at an evening class. If your after a woman you can pick something creative like comtempary-fashion design
However, you might feel like a complete tool and give up after two weeks, so better to pick something you actually enjoy/want to learn. That way you can combine work/learning, and hopefully meet some similiar people.
On the same theme, sport classes (martial arts lessons anyone?) can be darn good fun. fencing and kabadi are particular favourites!
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"Brody's got friends in every town
and village from here to the Sudan.
He speaks a dozen languages, knows
every local custom. He'll blend
in. Disappear."
Here's some interesting places (Score:3)
That said, I find the two best ways to meet women are female roommates and the marketing/sales dept. Roommates are real convienient, you can live with a person for a while, see how you get along, and move slowly toward a relationship. Where to find roommates? Take out an ad, or use something like Yahoo personals. Believe it or not, I've had no problem finding women to room with. Seems that women like geeks in general, they view them as safe, intelligent, reliable, and not testosterone-laced.
As for sales/marketing depts, even if the entire group is married, just by their job definition they meet lots of people both in and out of the office. Befriend them, go to after-hours drinks, parties, etc. These events are perfect for geeks, because the discussion focuses around work, providing a easy way to start conversations. Normally, as a geek, everyone is interested in your particular insights to the job. Sales/Marketing always seems to view the geeks as thier secret weapon when the need something done or tough question answered; so they are always willing to invite you and get you involved. These meeting are perfect for meeting professional women and avoid the 20-something bimbos that seem to pervade the club scene. BTW, as an added bonus these events are usually expensed, and thus at the very worst you get a free dinner/drinks.
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He had come like a thief in the night,