Do Programming Languages Affect Your Sexual Performance? 579
bLanark
asks: "I've used a variety of programming languanges over the years, but recently started using Java commercially (as opposed to just playing at home). As soon as I was on that Java project, I became a rampant stallion, never left my wife alone, sexually. She even started sleeping in the spare room just to get some rest on some nights! Soon, I was back on C++ (due to a budget cut and re-org). I am no longer a stallion (I won't go into more details!). My theory is that java's so easy, so after conquering an API a day (JDOM, Swing,...) I just came home and carried on conquering. Now, I have to work for a living again, and it doesn't leave much energy. Do other slashdotters have similar experience? Is lisp tantric? Do assembler programmers favour wham-bam-that's-the-end-of-that-non-maskable-inter rupt-where's-the-remote-control-honey-can-you-get- me-a-beer? What's the best programming language for attracting sexual partners? What about Operating Systems? Does MS == S&M?" Does C/C++ dampen your love life? Does Perl please your partner? Can you jive with Java? Inquiring minds want to know.
I just like testing... (Score:2, Funny)
PHP . . . (Score:2, Funny)
Re: (Score:2)
Everyone knows that Perl (Score:5, Funny)
How many more of these idiotic April 1 jokes do we need to wade through?
Would it make sense to simply forego
Re:Everyone knows that Perl (Score:3, Funny)
Re:Everyone knows that Perl (Score:2)
Re:Everyone knows that Perl (Score:5, Funny)
Re:Everyone knows that Perl (Score:5, Funny)
unzip; strip; touch; finger; mount; fsck; more; yes; umount; sleep
(note: I didn't make this up, so don't blame me! I think early UNIX geeks had extremely dirty subconscious thoughts...)
Re:Everyone knows that Perl (Score:5, Funny)
Re:Everyone knows that Perl (Score:5, Funny)
Re:Everyone knows that Perl (Score:2)
Actually that is quite close to being true in my case. Now, I love my fiance, but she and I both know that Perl is my second love. I will always have this holy fascination for Perl, and it will always hold a special place in my heart (or head).
I have been known to be excited by Perl from time to time....I figure it just goes with the territory of loving something so much.
Fortunately my fiance never minds
sockets (Score:3, Funny)
Perl philosophy: "There's more than one way ..." (Score:5, Funny)
Sig: What Happened To The Censorware Project (censorware.org) [sethf.com]
Re:Perl philosophy: "There's more than one way ... (Score:4, Funny)
Sexual Performance? (Score:3, Funny)
Re:Sexual Performance? (Score:2)
Re:Girls (Score:5, Funny)
* You have to be Australian to fully get this pun.
Re: 2 Girls (from experience) (Score:3, Funny)
If you can get full bandwidth into one, constantly, then the other can be taken offline for servicing (cleaning out, diagnostics, supervised self-test, etc...).
If you've broadcast all your data, you can just lie back and watch them synchronise. Most satisfying. :)
Ali
Re: 2 Girls (from experience) (Score:2)
And we won't even discuss the possibilities of different sized MTUs black-hole/gray-hole hops.
Re:Girls (Score:4, Funny)
Smalltalkers are the best lovers. (Score:3, Funny)
Penguin Socks (Score:2, Funny)
She wears them all the time, and we have a lot of sex, so I guess it works!
Re:Penguin Socks (Score:5, Funny)
Re:Penguin Socks (Score:3, Funny)
Re:Penguin Socks (Score:3, Funny)
Preferences (Score:2, Funny)
(leave me alone, I'm tired...)
wait wait wait (Score:4, Funny)
Re:wait wait wait (Score:2, Funny)
"you're asking slashdot readers?"
and still be chuckling.
Problems I've had (Score:5, Funny)
I figured it was a pointer problem, and it took a while to get it all worked out, but now it's kinda fun.
Everything went fine till my junior year and I started in on concurrent processing. Now I can't tell if it's a hardware limitation that's keeping me from performing more than 4 operations simultaneously, or if it's a problem with the OS...
Most likely that problem is in my firmware. Probably something is flashing my firmware and causing me to reboot.
Maybe during grad school we'll learn about distributed computing....Then I'll need a bigger bed! But I hear it's hard to keep all the process communication under control, because the ports are so busy....
here's why we need better CS schooling... (Score:3, Funny)
As for me, I tried a lot of continuations after leaving college, but grew disenchanted because you could never be sure if they were GC'ed or if you would be interrupted at an inopportune time....
i asked my GF (Score:4, Funny)
Once Again ZZTop Has Wisdom To Share (Score:5, Funny)
... she wanna Perl Necklace ...
Doh, your pun's better than mine. (Score:5, Funny)
ASP & .NET ? (Score:3, Funny)
only brings.
ASP
Average Sexual Performance
.NET
.Never Enough Titties
Don't know about you... (Score:4, Funny)
;-)
(Sorry, couldn't resist...
DennyK
brainfuck (Score:2, Funny)
It's all about 64 bit C programming... (Score:5, Funny)
Re:It's all about 64 bit C programming... (Score:2)
Java made me a Virtual Machine (Score:5, Funny)
She's really just insecure because she knows my last girlfriend was into BSD. I've tried to give her some pointers on her bad memory and tell her thats just not the garbage she should be collecting.
The most important Lesson of the Day (Score:4, Funny)
import javax.sex.*; (Score:5, Funny)
Fortunately the Java sandbox makes the sex API's perfectly safe. It explicitly blocks execution of the getPregnant() method of the Woman class which is a definite plus. It's this sort of well thought out architecture that really puts Java light years ahead of Microsoft's initatives, despite Microsoft's long history of screwing people.
Re:import javax.sex.*; (Score:3, Informative)
but there already is a JSAPI [sun.com]
Re:import javax.sex.*; (Score:3, Funny)
>
>javax.sex.bondage
>javax.sex.[...]
Java? Pshaw! We had that during the golden age of USENET, and didn't need no steenking packages!
The obvious:
Re:import javax.sex.*; (Score:2)
So... this is how they implement those embedded internet enabled applications for tele-dildonics.
to quote Johnny 5 (Score:3, Funny)
Perhaps a direct correlation can be made between speed of compiled code and sex life. Maybe after Java you need some sp33d/action to liven up your life. Perhaps C++ is such a harsh mistress that you can't handle anymore.
Myself, I'd like to test that theory with any available test subjects. Please, it's for Science.
Sex according to apt (Score:5, Funny)
Re:Sex according to apt (Score:2, Funny)
cd
And you might get more results if you tried the old T-shirt trick
cd
You can probably ignore the 'talk' command in this case - it won't increase your chances after all that beer.
Re:Sex according to apt (Score:3, Funny)
Hey, whatever floats your boat is OK for you, but I'll skip the "cd" step. I'm only targeting one platform and not into the cross-compiler scene ;-)
Losers. (Score:3, Informative)
I went the original root. I've been playing with self.
J/K. We al know that functional language users are so well hung that sometimes they have to use a lisp.
Real programmers (Score:2)
Actually, I wrote my thesis on this. (Score:5, Funny)
Here's the general breakdown for how languages affect sexual performance:
BASIC - Slow, but good for beginners.
COBOL - Tends to make you rigid.
FORTRAN - Almost nobody does it.
ASSEMBLY - Too short, and too fast for most people.
JAVA - It will cause your Object to be extended.
C - Sometimes you just wanna do it for the helluvit.
C# - Dont worry, it'll clear up in a few weeks.
Korn Shell - Quick and dirty.
Perl - Allows you to do it any way you want, anywhere, anytime!
Cheers,
The Jargon File... (Score:3, Informative)
bondage-and-discipline language n. [tuxedo.org]
Technical Matters (Shame on you /. ) (Score:5, Funny)
I've put together a few links to help fellow geeks make more sense of the article. Call it a jargon file. Feel free to contribute.
sex [dictionary.com]
girl [dictionary.com]
wife [dictionary.com]
Hope this helps. Try reading the article again now.
Re:Technical Matters (Shame on you /. ) (Score:5, Funny)
SEX /seks/
[Sun Users' Group & elsewhere] n. 1. Software EXchange. A technique invented by the blue-green algae hundreds of millions of years ago to speed up their evolution, which had been terribly slow up until then. Today, SEX parties are popular among hackers and others (of course, these are no longer limited to exchanges of genetic software). In general, SEX parties are a Good Thing, but unprotected SEX can propagate a virus.
And so on ..... :)
I could be wrong... (Score:2)
Shell Programming (Score:4, Funny)
date ; unzip ; strip ; touch ; grep ; finger ; uptime ; head ; mount ; fsck ; more ; yes ; umount ; nice ; sleep; expect; fork
#Sexy programming with words like that
Languages of Love (Score:5, Funny)
+ Sex is the same no matter who the partner is
- Sex is the same no matter who the partner is
+ Never have to explicitly clean up/no wet spot
- Automatic cleanup can occur at the most inopertune times
+ Easy to get decent sex without years of practice
- Have to go outside your "protective layer" if you want to get down and dirty
+ Quick foreplay, slow execution
- Slow execution, though with underwhelming performance
Oh my, I misread the title (Score:5, Funny)
Ask Slashdot: Do Programming Languages Affect Your Sexual Preference?
I thought it was going to turn reeeaaal ugly.
Re:Oh my, I misread the title (Score:4, Funny)
My take on it.. (Score:2)
I also find myself having sex more often when coding Java for a living. That's primarily because Java leaves me rather ... unsatisfied. OTOH, C++ is better than sex, once you get everything working just right.
Perl is great for quickies. Python is great for quickies where you don't want to experiment too much. OCaml is great for fetishists. FORTH is perfect for masochists. And of course, then there's playing with LaTeX. Pity the poor Visual Basic programmer .. that's got to be like masturbating in the shower.
Maybe we geeks should be happy just to make it at all.
Re:My take on it.. (Score:2)
>
> Perl is great for quickies. Python is great for quickies where you don't want to experiment too much. OCaml is great for fetishists. FORTH is perfect for masochists. And of course, then there's playing with LaTeX. Pity the poor Visual Basic programmer
>
>Maybe we geeks should be happy just to make it at all.
Only one thing to add - you forgot one language: APL is for those 16-orificed critters from Proxima Centauri ;-)
So slashdot has surrendered. (Score:2)
--Blair
One word (Score:3, Funny)
Oh great.. (Score:2)
Listen: No matter how many times you've done it, you have to have had a PARTNER to claim you're an expert on it, k?
If size mattered... (Score:2, Insightful)
Well this one had to be done sooner or later. Apologies if it's already been done, gf kept me up all night. (sex, and cos I can't sleep with only half a duvet.)
Sheesh! (Score:4, Funny)
Some required reading (Score:2)
man $(locate condom)
This is one of those things that proves emacs really is a great OS because it can supply all our needs.
Functional languages? (Score:2, Funny)
For this reason, I have to advocate loyalty to your API. Take your time, get to know a few, but don't do the deed until you are ready to commit. Otherwise, the rest of your life will be utterly confusing -- the side effects of previous programmer-OS releationships will come back to haunt you.
You have been warned!
I do not know about you but... (Score:2, Interesting)
I am far from an expert but I feel much better as a person (happier, energetic, etc) when I get do to things that extend my mind or chanllege me. Doing the "punch-the-clock and work at my desk" crap does nothing for the geek. But trying to get Your linux box to administrer the Win2k/XP boxes without having admin rights (and being able to do it) is more geeker and more interesting to the local geek.
But your opinions may very...
April fools? (Score:2)
You're Talking Way Too High-Level... (Score:3, Funny)
Common Lisp is the way to go (Score:2, Interesting)
In CLOS, a GF supports multiple methods with fast dispatch times, and you can use them without having to go through the whole bondage-and-discipline routine forced on you by other "high level" programming languages like C++. And don't get me started on "before", "after", and "around" methods or garbage collection. Needless to say, GFs are pretty sweet.
PHP, hell yeah... (Score:2)
DO I GET MORE KARMA.... (Score:2)
Do I get more karma when I detect the obvious, hilarious, APRIL FOOLS ARTICLE IN SLASHDOT?
AM I THE FIRST?
GIMME SOME CAAAAANDY!
Punchcards (Score:2)
OO... (Score:3, Funny)
My wife believes in Object Oriented sex. She objects every time I bring it up.
Perl... (Score:2)
I don't think that helps much in bed...
Depends on the interfaces. (Score:3, Informative)
I'm... fully functional (Score:2, Funny)
C programmers... (Score:3, Insightful)
Re:OMG, ANOTHER APRIL 1 JOKE? (Score:3, Interesting)
I hate to tell you this, but I have a bad feeling that the stories we are going to see that are absolutely wretched or dizzyingly stupid are all real submissions over the past month or so. I'm pretty sure they did this a year or two ago. It kinda almost makes you pity them for having to wade through the submission box.
--
Evan
Re:OMG, ANOTHER APRIL 1 JOKE? (Score:3, Funny)
Re:wrong section! :) (Score:2)
YHBF. YHL. HANAFD.
Re:I use Commodore Basic 2.0 (Score:2, Funny)
POKE 53280,0
POKE 53281,0
?? The true test!
Re:Hello (Score:2, Redundant)
Re:Dear Slashdot (Score:2)
Re:Really lame (Score:5, Funny)
Its the 1st of April, time to laugh. You know how to laugh, do you?
Re:Really lame (Score:2, Funny)
Besides this kindof humour is basically immature teenage male "I'm a virgin and really want to find anyone remotely female to shag" humour
Oh.... my... God... How do you know so much about us? You must be a CIA agent monitoring us, you are the Indymedia spy... We've found you agent 17, you've blown your cover, your licence to kill is revoked.
Easily offended (Score:5, Insightful)
Re:Really lame (Score:2, Informative)
If you think that Slashdot is a respectable news source, good for you, but that's not what it's meant to be. It's a community forum for discussion of things that appeal to us geeks, and while this is simple, inane humour it's also amusing.
Perhaps the fact that you're the only one complaining in this story amidst all the people joining in on the joke should tell you something?
--
Andy
Re:Really lame (Score:4, Insightful)
Bing! Your wish is granted. I'm a girl. There's nothing wrong with sex. There's nothing wrong with talking about sex. There's nothing engendered about the activity either. Sex is something that should be fun for both men and women. It seems to me that the more sexist attitude is that women don't/shouldn't discuss sex.
Re:Really lame (Score:2)
2) There's a common misconception that girls are as interested by sex as boys
3) Slashdot is simply a source of Linux news for anarchists, open source fanatics and script kiddies.
It is *not* the sex that is the problem (Score:4, Informative)
hehe. its a communication problem (Score:2, Interesting)
as for stallion i really dont think that deseverves to be picked on for as being as cliche and lude as it was...it was also some form of a metephor...while not artistic...it is getting there...and banning words is walking on a fine line...
so in other words the idea that his wife is a sex object is the sexist part? notice that he said his "wife"...isnt the entire mairrage thing based around the idea of sex?? if it wasnt would there truly be a 'no sex before mairage' thing in the bible, koran, popular culture, whatever else comes to mind???...honestly...we know they are having sex... we know some days are better than others...what makes this so wrong to talk about it? would it have been different had this been his wife being told that he had stopped working on java and now was back to C and so now she's experiencing 'less' of him in the bed(or shower or whever else for that matter?)?
Part of the problem i think is that i dont actually talk to anyone anymore really that much so that if girls wanted to talk about how sexy those gay guys were i dont think it would even matter. honestly when i used to...they talked like that!!! that was a large portion of the conversations i've been in vacinity of by women were on thoe lines... some of them anyways. others were just as intelligent...
...i mean a few of them used to talk about how sexy those gay guys were (as gay guys are the perfect men...except that you cant have them!)...and it never bothered me. i'm not usually one bothered by any of that...unless i just broke up with someone recently (but you would have said that by now if you have...right?)...but i have not..so it makes no dfference.
i mean it also depended on the girl, some of them were far more englightened than others...but this is in all things
no you are not the "typical female bitch", because no such thing exists...at least to my observations. the entire "cant stand the talk of sex" is not healthy, and i would suggest you look into it... but it is none of my business so that is the end of that.
actually if you want MY opinion i think you are fekin sexy, because anyone with a mind that can stand up to even 250 000 slashdotters including me must be worth something... and its the mind that matters...right???
Re:It is *not* the sex that is the problem (Score:3, Insightful)
As a male, I consider that an extremely sexist statement.
Re:Note to posters: Not April 1 everywhere yet (Score:2)
You're trying REAL hard to get karma points arentcha. Anybody wanna mod this guy down as 'Obvious' or even better 'duh!'?
Re:So... (Score:2)
side effects of CRT radiation... (Score:2)
Did you hear about the guy with five peni?
His undershorts fit him like a glove.
Master your Python and you're in like Flint (Score:2)
--CTH
PS: And although some are better endowed than others, the longer the Python the better.
Re:April Fools Day (Score:2)