Silly Product Instructions?

canfirman asks: "Not exactly a serious question, but maybe good for a laugh: Our company is bringing in new printers into the office, and I noticed that the on-screen instructions state, 'Do not pull pages until after the printer has finished its job'. I thought this would be a redundant instruction (kinda like, 'Don't run with scissors'), but it got me thinking - what are some of the dumbest instructions you have ever seen on a piece of software, hardware, or appliance?"

Plastic bags...

[geekfiend]

OH! Look!

*grabs plastic bag*

Look this is fun!

hrmm... what does this say?

Not a toy!

*falls over due to lack of oxygen*

Cheez Whiz

[clbyjack81]

I don't know if they still do, but Cheez Whiz cans used to have this warning...

"For best results, please remove cap."

Really? I was just going to bang it on the table until it exploded, then lick all the 'cheese' up!

Re:Plastic bags...

[Oliver Wendell Jones]

Many classic examples at Engrish.com [engrish.com]

One of my favorites being this one [engrish.com] which reads

"!DANGER! A dangerous toy. This toy is being made for the extreme priority the good looks. The little part which suffocates when the sharp part which gets hurt is swallowed is contained generously. Only the person who can take responsibility by itself is to play."

I'm not sure what toy that is, but I want one!

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People's Republic of California: power cords

[Tackhead]

> # Offtopic, Inflammatory, Inappropriate, Illegal, or Offensive comments might be moderated.

I always read that as:

# Offtopic, Inflammatory, Inappropriate, Illegal, or Offensive comments might be moderated +5

Dumbest warnings I ever saw were on a laptop's power supply:

FOR USERS IN CALIFORNIA:

WARNING: The power cord on this product contains lead, a chemical known to the State of California to cause cancer, and birth defects or other reproductive harm. Wash hands after handling.

And no, I'm not making this up [ibm.com].

Of course, there's no word on whether the lead in the power cord is transmuted to gold when I cross the border into Nevada, or whether or not residents of other states need to wash their hands after plugging things in or not.

(The background is that a bunch of twits fell for the junk science [junkscience.com] on PVC softened with lead phthalates. Consider that if studies on intravenous bags with the stuff are questionable, it's Not Bloody Likely that failing to wash your hands after you plug in your laptop is going to kill you. But since when did science matter to the granola-crunchin' hypesters of the People's Republic of California? It's to protect the chilllllldren and the enviiiiiiirunmennnnnt!

Re:People's Republic of California: power cords

[mbstone]

I was in law school, and we had a guest lecturer on Environmental Law. At the end of the lecture, I asked, "Who made up the law that all the buildings in California have to have silly little signs at the entrance that say stuff like, Xerox machine toner/lightbulbs/Bic pens/styrofoam coffee cups are used in this building and they are known to cause cancer or reproductive harm."

He replied "I did!!" and his face turned three shades of red and he wagged his finger at me for 15 minutes while angrily attempting to explain why he thought Prop 65 was wise legislation.

Moral: You never know who you're talking to.

Re:People's Republic of California: power cords

[danielsfca2]

I was in law school, and we had a guest lecturer on Environmental Law....He replied "I did!!"...

Moral: You never know who you're talking to.

That was me you asshole!

Moral: You never know who is reading your /. posts.

The unreleased CD-ROM Warning

[Gary Destruction]

It's a sticker with a picture of a hand putting a cup in the CD-ROM tray. Warning: Not intended as cup holder.

Re:The unreleased CD-ROM Warning

[polymath69]

Reminds me of the old Beagle Bros. warning label [panic.com] showing things not to do to a floppy disk. Such as, do not set on fire, do not feed to crocodiles, etc...

Confusion is understandable...

[Cyno01]

given this [xoxide.com]...

Not redundant

[Loosewire]

I see people ripping the pages out of laser printers before the printer has pushed it all the way out. Probly does them no end of damage but since the page is already completely pritned by the point the person has enough grip on the page to pull it all out people keep doing it :-(

Re:Not redundant

[Blkdeath]

I see people ripping the pages out of laser printers before the printer has pushed it all the way out. Probly does them no end of damage but since the page is already completely pritned by the point the person has enough grip on the page to pull it all out people keep doing it :-(

I see it all the time. Not only from students (read: people who aren't expected to learn better) but from teachers (read: people who are supposed to impart said knowledge). The fact that the printer emits a mechanical grinding

Re:Not redundant

[Loosewire]

or just add a seatbelt mechanisem into it, if the wheels spin too fast (faster than the motor normall turns) the pendulum swings out halting the mechanisem, meaning the page stops and this abrupt stop means the user will accidentally be forced to tear the paper

Redundancy?

[tdemark]

"Don't run with scissors" is not an example of redundant instructions.

"Don't run with scissors while running", on the other hand, is.

Re:Redundancy?

[grammar nazi]

The grammar nazi officially commends you for clearing that up.

Re:Redundancy?

[Hard_Code]

It's redundant if you think instructions are not necessary for common sense.

Re:Redundancy?

[PReDiToR]

Only kids need those kind of instructions and parents are the ones to impart that knowledge, any adults that run with scissors and stupid things like that should be, and often are, subjected to the teachings of Darwin.

Someone once suggested that taking all the warning labels off products would help, but not enough to really matter. It was a jest, but many a true word is spoken in jest.

End-User License Agreements

[identity0]

"By clicking 'I Agree' below, you agree to the following terms..."

Seriously, does anyone read the full text of EULAs? They're a complete joke. I've heard there's a website that has a whole bunch of strange EULAs on display..

Re:End-User License Agreements

[JasonMaggini]

Driver CDs, sealed in an envelope with a sticker that read "By breaking this seal, you agree to be bound by the enclosed license agreement."
So you couldn't read what you were agreeing to until you had opened the envelope and thus already agreed... *Head explodes*
Bet they paid a lawyer way too much to think that up.

Re:End-User License Agreements

[longbottle]

You never found the loophole? My friend used to open those with a letter opener so he didn't break the seal. That way, he never technically agreed to anything... at least until he got to read it.

Re:End-User License Agreements

[Dave2 Wickham]

That is still breaking the seal, I believe.

Re:End-User License Agreements

[longbottle]

Perhaps in a technical sense, yes. But I think if it came down to demonstrating it in a courtroom, he'd have a fighting chance.

Re:End-User License Agreements

[Dave2 Wickham]

Nope, I highly doubt it (but IANAL), but it's still breaking the seal...

Re:End-User License Agreements

[JoeCommodore]

That's when you outsource all your software packages to India and have them return to you just the contents.

iPod

[JPelzer]

When you open a new iPod, it has a sticker that says "Don't Steal Music."

Re:iPod

[Knetzar]

That's why I only steal audio books and sound effects.

Re:iPod

[TheLink]

Yeah you can't really use the iPod for stealing music.

Copying != stealing.

If copying = stealing, you won't need copyright law - there are plenty of theft and property laws to deal with it. Shoplifting comes under Theft law. Copying comes under Copyright law.

Don't let the Corporates brainwash you and your friends into believing that copying is stealing.

Sure copying is illegal in some cases. But if the Corporates succeed in brainwashing enough people, then copying would then be illegal in most cases.

Re:iPod

[/dev/trash]

Copying a entire song is illegal.

Re:iPod

[ahknight]

But if you send it in two pieces, that's fair use!

... or .. umm ...

something.

You're probably one of the brainwashed.

[TheLink]

It's still not stealing.

And copying entire songs is only illegal if the applicable laws say so.

I'm not sure how things are in the Land of the Free and the Home of the DMCA, but in my country it's not illegal if you copy it for private or domestic use. In NZ they're thinking of making it legal if you're copying it for your own use, amidst protests by the corporates.

"It's taking away people's rights to earn a living, and that's horrendous," Sony NZ managing director Michael Glading is quoted as saying.

Let's cut the BS: If I make a copy the owners of the original copy still have FULL ACCESS to the original. So it's unlike stealing which deprives the owners of access.

In contrast: The corporates have lobbyed (successfully in many countries) to remove and reduce the public's access to copyrighted material AND copyrighted material that would have entered PUBLIC DOMAIN.

Now you tell me who are the real thieves? Who are the real thieves?

Don't be deceived by the lies - the brainwashing and bullshit terms like "Intellectual Property" and "Piracy".

HP Lasers w/Duplexers

[SpoonDog_SVT]

HP's new laser printers with duplexers actually spit the page out partway before reversing direction and pulling them back into the paper path. So the OP's "do not pull pages until job is done" is actually prudent.

We have one of these types of printers (HP LJ 4600DN) in my classroom, and when the kids pull pages of duplex jobs early (before they actually get spit into the finished tray), then Bad Things Happen(tm).

From Jay Leno's Headlines:

[Anonymous Coward]

Some interesting prescription instructions:
Inhale 1 tablet vaginally at bedtime" [nbc.com]

And an interesting warning on a kids toy:
It can be happy and gay not good hearing if product is with mark" [nbc.com]

neighbor's house

[Satai]

One time I was borrowing a neighbor's summer home, and the guy plastered the whole place with postit notes -- one the fridge he had one that said "Put food in me," on his kids' piggy banks he wrote "Please don't steal from me" and on the damn ice tray he even double layered them -- on the top it said "Fill me" and below it said "With water." Man that got old.

"He actually wrote diddly!"

Re:neighbor's house

[Hamster Of Death]

At least credit the source.

The Simpsons

Some good ones...

[synaptik]

"Not to be used for the other use."
(On a package of nuts) "May contain nuts."
(Butcher knife)"Keep out of children."
"For indoor or outdoor use only."

Re:Some good ones...

[Craigj0]

"For indoor or outdoor use only."

Well obviously it does not work well in external doorways. Duh.

Re:Some good ones...

[quinkin]

credit should go to New Scientist for the collation...

Q.

Re:Some good ones...

[Myself]

My favorite is on the side of the Wheaties box, there's a note above the ingredients list, "CAUTION: CONTAINS WHEAT"

It's reached a point now where I don't take any warning labels seriously, because I'd never get anything done. Someday I'm going to ignore one and hurt myself, and I'm going to sue every product liability lawyer in the country for dilluting the meaning of the word "warning".

Hitachi electric drill...

[BrokenHalo]

I kept this booklet for years after the drill died. Needless to say, the drill was manufactured in China...:

(in troubleshooting section)

Problem: Sparks fly from commutator
Cause: Groceries in commutator.
Solution: Remove groceries from commutator.

Re:Hitachi electric drill...

[grammar nazi]

China booklets are great! I bought a chinese pellet gun when i was a kid. The manual warns, "Do not shoot the gun at the people," and later states, "The gun is for target practice and the killing of the rats.".

Re:Hitachi electric drill...

[byolinux]

That's the funniest thing I've read in a while.

I had a mini Char-G car, but a pirate version from China. It had some fantastic comedy instructions, but sadly it's at work.

Some from engrish.com [engrish.com]...

On a Yo-Yo...

1. Don't put into mouth to prevent from choking
2. Don't tie string around neck to play in a rough way
3. Don't leave the string alone with children under 3
4. Don't throw the yo yo at people
5. Be aware of people coming close when you play yo yo
6. Be careful of the mental parts when dissemble the yo yo

And from

quick scan through the kitchen gives me...

[dnight]

Spray paint can: "Do not spray in eyes."
Cotton Balls: "Do not insert in rectum"
Aluminum foil box: "Do not microwave"

Re:quick scan through the kitchen gives me...

[bergeron76]

quick scan through the kitchen gives me... (Score:3, Funny)

It actually gives (4: Funny [not just 3]). The fourth is, why do you have cotton balls in your kitchen?

Re:quick scan through the kitchen gives me...

[dnight]

Cheap inline filters.

But mostly I use them for rectum-stuffing. Screw the warning.

Re:quick scan through the kitchen gives me...

[gmhowell]

IIRC, teflon fumes can be poisonous to birds. My parents were ditching their teflon stuff anyway, but when they got a Double Yellow Amazon Parrot (now there's a fucking bird I'd like to nail to a perch) they ditched the rest.

Re:quick scan through the kitchen gives me...

[Mantorp]

It's called teflon flu [google.com] and happens when you heat teflon to temperatures way too high for normal cooking, of course duPont will tell you it's a myth.

Re:aluminium foil

[tomhudson]

You can actually use aluminium foil in a microwave - some recipes that came w. my Toshiba called for using small triangles of foil to keep the corners of square glass pans from overheating.

Also cautioned to make sure that there's adequate clearance between the pan and the micorwave sides.

It's the same with microwaving a floppy disk - put it on a glass so that the metal part isn't near anything conductive, and you can nuke it fine :-)

Re:quick scan through the kitchen gives me...

[Cyno01]

Microwaves cause electrons to build up on edges and corners of metal, the points of fork tines, the crinkles on aluminium foil, but theres no real danger to the microwave as long as its not touching the sides of the enclosure. Discharges like that can damage the magnatron.

Fire extinguisher

[dacarr]

On the front:

FIRE EXTINGUISHER

On the back, oddly enough, were the following words:

Do not use near heat or open flame

...huh?

Re:Fire extinguisher

[nuggetman]

IANAFF, but isn't it simply the same reason you don't put whipped cream cans near fire... they explode

You're supposed to use a fire extinguisher from something like 6' away

Re:Fire extinguisher

[dacarr]

I believe where you're supposed to be though is within blast range. Most of your chem extinguishers I've seen instruct you to be within 6 feet - so I see your point. But still....

Trace ammounts of nuts i understand...

[x00101010x]

Here's a relevant journal entry about a piece of xmas chocolate i was examining while coding late one night...
packaging [slashdot.org]

Re:Trace ammounts of nuts i understand...

[x00101010x]

I understand the trace ammounts of nuts bit, because the nut free chocolate is probably made in the same facility and may even be on the same line as the peanut chocolate. so there's a definate chance, and liability, that some nuts could make their way into the plain chocolate.

What i don't get, as the journal entry points out, is the instructions on the same piece of chocolate...

TO OPEN:

Lift flap and tear at end.
--- --- --- --->

It made me feel like I was reading a page from 'So Long and Thanks Fo

Do Not Eat

[Curtman]

My favourite is still those little preservative packets that come in shoes labelled "DO NOT EAT". I wonder if I would have a case if I choked scarfing down the laces.

"I thought it was candy"

Re:Do Not Eat

[J'raxis]

Considering how closely some of the silica gel packets resemble restaurant sugar or salt packets, it's not really a superfluous warning.

Re:Do Not Eat

[Curtman]

Let this be a lesson to you newbie Slashdotters. If you find yourself writing a 4 paragraph detailed post defending people who might eat silica gel.. Its time to go out and meet people.

Re:Do Not Eat

[RobertB-DC]

My favourite is still those little preservative packets that come in shoes labelled "DO NOT EAT". I wonder if I would have a case if I choked scarfing down the laces.

There are plenty of threads laughing at cross-cultural faux pas where oriental instructions get mistranslated into English, but IIRC, Silica Gel is behind a mistake of our own.

I can't find the source, but I remember hearing that when we dropped MRE's [marrich.com] on Afghanistan, they included salt and pepper packets, and another packet that many locals s

Pepto Bismol

[dacarr]

Pepto Bismol and other such bismuth subsalycilate based anti-nausea drugs contain a warning that you should not use this if you are allergic to aspirin.

Thing is, though, while this seems strange to not be able to take an antacid on account of an aspirin allergy, it's not so strange. Note the last four syllables in that chemical I mentioned - salycilate - and remember that aspirin is the acetate of 'salysilic acid'.

On my computer's power supply

[dacarr]

Years ago, when I had a high falootin' 286 with DOS 6.22 on it, I took a good look at the manual, which happened to mention that the power supply was capable of handling 110V and 220V.

It also happened to mention that I should never mismatch the voltages for fear of letting the blue smoke out of the PS.

I would think that this sort of thing would be astoundingly obvious.

Re:On my computer's power supply

[Loosewire]

*Me On computer fixing callout*
"Right so when the computer wouldnt come on you switched the little red 110|220 switch at the back to get it working?"

Re:On my computer's power supply

[jamesh]

A friend bumped this switch to 110V from 240V. The pc didn't miss a beat until about 1/2 way through loading Windows 95 (back in the day :) and then popped. He replaced the burst capacitor and it was as good as new.

Re:On my computer's power supply

[Loosewire]

the example i saw had sparks flying out the back and a plenty of smoke ;)

Ghetto Wear washing instructions

[almaon]

Over a decade ago, there used to be a brand of skateboarding apparrel made by World Industries called Ghetto Wear. I didn't notice till some years later after buying a pair of their pants about the washing instructions printed on the tag.

1) Pile dirty clothes on floor
2) When you run out of clean clothes, gather them up and ask your Mom how to use the washer
3) When she says she'll do it so you don't break her washer and ruin your clothes, come back in an hour and they'll be done.

I also had a FUCT jacket that's washing instructions were:

Washing Instructions: Steal this garment.

I like that kind of thing, making the blatently obvious and unnessary become fun.

FUCT

[BSDevil]

Does some great stuff with their lables. I have one of their t-shirts which includes "wash cold, dry low, use no bleach or chemical weapons, question authority" and "100% cotton mouth, made in the united states of the eu."

Re:FUCT

[hummassa]

I don't know the brand, but I came across a jacket that said in the label, in French: our president is an idiot, sorry, we should pull out of Iraq immediately.

Re:FUCT

[TheTimoo]

Bullshit! The Label said: "We are sorry that our President is an idiot. We didn't vote for him." There's a Discussion [tombihn.com] on the mfg's website.

Re:FUCT

[hummassa]

You're supposing there is only one type of label.

may have seen this one...

[burns210]

"all your base are belong to us"

quite the warning label. :)

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My Best

[limekiller4]

"Do not use for the other thing."

I'm not kidding.

Don't forget the Engrish!

[Hamster Of Death]

Engrish [engrish.com]

Some quotes

[dargaud]

"This manual says what our product actually does, no matter what the salesman may have told you it does." --In a californian graphic board manual, 1985.

"Here is your parachute and here is the manual.

Welcome to Linux."

Do not drive with sunshade in place

[Texas Rose on Lava L]

not really hardware, but....

[hswerdfe]

do not reuse....

its on every condom....

Lather, Rinse, Repeat

[Andy_R]

has killed several programmers, is /. sigs are to be beleived.

However a personal favourite of mine is on an old can of chocolate drink powder, the recipe for making it up includes the follwing instruction:

Add 2 heaped tablesppons of milk.

Apple Laserwriter

[SandSpider]

Do not expose Apple Laserwriter to open flame.

=Brian

Silly instructions

[Blew]

Not realy an instruction but a lot of OEM microsoft products used to have a seal over the CD box which needed to be broken to open the case, the seal said somthing along the lines of 'breaking this seal shows that you have agreed to the licencing conditions contained within' Also unplug your keyboard and see what the message says. Odds are it says no keyboard or keyboard error, press f1 to continue.

Re:Silly instructions

[/dev/trash]

In defense of the keyboard thing. If the keyboard controller received a bad signal for some reason F1 can reset it. Diconnecting the cable creates the same 'bad' signal.

no duh!

[Hythlodaeus]

I bought some nail polish a few years ago that was labeled "for external use only." More recently I bought a plastic tablecloth that warned "do not iron."

Really Pointless Instruction

[taylortbb]

At the grocery store I recently found a package of Taramisiu and it said DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN, on the bottom (bit late isn't it?).

Re:Really Pointless Instruction

[Anonymous Codger]

A local pizza delivery joint has the following printed on the bottom of their boxes:

"If you can read this your pizza is upside down"

Do Not Use While Sleeping

[derfla8]

On a hair blow dryer. A little research found that a company was sued when a guy used his hair dryer to keep himself warm by turning it on and throwing it in his blankets. He fell asleep and became crispy after the fire that started. Amazing, the moron won.

I say warnings like this should be omitted on purpose so that people without this common sense are weeded out of the gene pool.

Jetliners

[mbstone]

Your seat cushion may be used as a flotation device.

Nobody has ever survived an attempted jetliner ditching using a flotation device, or otherwise. If you did, hypothermia would likely get to you before the Coast Gurd.

Place the oxygen mask over your nose and mouth and breathe normally.

And while you are doing this, the pilot is in a power dive towards 10,000 feet where there is enough air pressure to breathe. But he didn't tell you this: you think the plane is crashing instead of performing an intent

do not use if seal is broken

[SolemnDragon]

"Do not use if printed seal is missing or broken."

Right, i'll just chew a hole in the bottom of the packet to get my migraine medicine out.

On a baby walker toy

[bolverk]

"Remove baby before folding for storage."

On a large software box from Lighthouse Design...

[rthille]

"Not to be used as a flotation device."

Among other things i can't remember.

An all time classic:

[pixel_bc]

"Do not taunt happy-fun ball."

Words to live by, kids.

engrish.com

[way2trivial]

for the best of instructions try here [engrish.com]

Press "NO" to start

[Mantorp]

It's what the little sticker on my daughter's toy cd player says. My first reaction was they missed the "W" but it's the "ON" button upside down.
Made in China.

Product warnings

[spuke4000]

Check out this [rinkworks.com] out. Some good ones:

• "For external use only!" -- On a curling iron.
• "Do not use in shower." -- On a hair dryer.
• "Do not eat toner." -- On a toner cartridge for a laser printer.
• "Do not use orally." -- On a toilet bowl cleaning brush.

Two of my Favs...

[Muad'Dave]

Instructions for the care and feeding of a Chinese SKS rifle: "Do not let your SKS get tainted with defilement or sunburnt."

Embossed on the front of anti-personnel mines: "This side toward enemy."

Re:Heres a few good ones

[dacarr]

The motorhome is a myth, with a bogus lawsuit [stellaawards.com] attached to it. (The link takes you to a whole list of such lawsuits.)

Re:On a 50cc ATV

[TheOnlyCoolTim]

The thing is, silica gel dessicant apparently isn't even poisonous....

Tim

Re:On a 50cc ATV

[Loosewire]

ive heard conflicting advice about sillica gel. so stick on the safe side and dont eat it.

Re:Silica Gel Edibility

[jamesh]

Okay so you eat some and get back to us on how it went. If we don't hear from you we'll assume it went badly.

Re:Silica Gel Edibility

[geoswan]

When I was six years old grade one students were sometimes invited to make little sculptures... out of asbestos paste.

I wanted to see what it tasted like. I ate some. 41 years later, no cancer yet.

Re:Keyboard Problem

[Loosewire]

your not a true techie until you see that message ;-)

Re:SO LONG, AND THANKS

[jcenters]

1) They actually print blow job instructions nowadays?

2) Tooth space? Sounds like someone's girlfriend needs braces.

3) ???

4) Profit!

(Sorry, couldn't resist.)

--
vi ~/.emacs

Re:Microsoft advert at tip of page

[TiggsPanther]

Slashdot is not an anti-Microsoft organization. Slashdot is a forum where people get together and talk about technology. There is no Slashdot charter that states that Microsoft is the devil and no one should use Microsoft products. Microsoft products have their place. Let them spend their money keeping Slashdot alive.

I just find it amusing that the "Windows has a lower TCO than Linux" always seems to pop up on top of articles saying the opposite.

Either someone at OSDN has a sense of humour, or the ran

Re:VERY funny instructions

[calyxa]

oh great, now I have that song [weebls-stuff.com] stuck in my head again!

-calyxa